How Do You Typically Feel When You Leave A Session?

[DogwoodTree]

Do you tend to feel better or worse than when you went in? Are your sessions typically comforting or destabilizing overall?

About 90% of the time, I leave the session feeling significantly worse than when I went in. The few times I feel better are usually because T said something that gave me a really unexpected insight into something, and the gears in my brain are too busy whirring for me to notice how lonely I feel. But my sessions are almost never an emotionally comforting experience. I like my T, but I never feel close to him in any sort of way.

I used to think this was normal. Then DH started going to therapy a few months ago (same T), and he nearly always leaves feeling better. He says his sessions can be tough, but he typically feels pretty good by the time he walks out.

What am I doing wrong? We hardly ever talk about my trauma history, so I don't think it's old memories being triggered. I think he's holding off on addressing that stuff until our relationship is more stable (even though I've been seeing him for 20 months now...we've been working on some current relationship issues, like with my narcissist mom and with my DH).

What gets triggered is my sense of loneliness and isolation. I see him sitting there across from me, and he feels so far away. No matter how he acts towards me, I don't feel like he really sees me, even though he's very attentive. I get more and more self-conscious, and feel completely alone inside myself, and can't think of any way to bridge the abyss between us.

And this isn't just in therapy--it's all the time, with everyone. Most of the time, I can convince myself I don't want connection anyway, so I can live with it okay. But in therapy, it's like putting a huge buffet in front of someone who hasn't had a decent meal in months, and telling them they can't have any of it. It hurts so bad.

Is this the autism (I was dx'd with Asperger's early this year), or does it sound more like some kind of pervasive dissociation?

 

[LolaWrites]

If I was going to a therapist and leaving feeling worse after each session, I'd wonder if I was seeing the right therapist for me. I've gone through that before and each time I've ended up leaving the therapist. With my current therapist I do have some times where I leave feeling back but those are few and far between. Mostly I leave feeling like we've accomplished something and I've made some progress. Sometimes I leave feeling refreshed. When I've had a hard session, my therapist makes sure I'm grounded and calm before I leave.
Have you told the therapist what you wrote out here? I think that it might be a good idea to share some of these thoughts with him and see what his perception of how you're doing in therapy is. Maybe some things in session need to change so that you leave feeling better instead of worse and you could work together to figure out what those things are.

 

[Panda Bear]

Depends on what kind of work we did and how hard it was. Some of our sessions end and the work was deeply upsetting. While T always makes time for me to calm down, some weeks I get to the car and just spill the rest of the tears I held back in session.

Some weeks, I feel awesome. Leaving happy.

Some weeks I leave angry as hell and wish I could throw my shoes at the man.

Some weeks I leave and I hate myself.

Despite this array of feelings, I always feel safe, comforted and loved. T never lets me walk out that door with out knowing that I'm awesome and that I'm going to be okay.

 

[DogwoodTree]

Have you told the therapist what you wrote out here? ... Maybe some things in session need to change so that you leave feeling better instead of worse and you could work together to figure out what those things are.

Yes, we've talked about it a lot. But I don't have a clue what he could do that would help me feel better. If this is a problem caused by autism, then changing therapists won't help, either. I can't therapy myself out of autism. He's asked what would help, he's tried different things...nothing works. Nothing bridges the gap between us. Nothing helps me feel connected to him. Maybe I'm not supposed to feel connected? But it doesn't seem that this sense of isolation is normal.

This past week, we spent most of the time talking about a letter to my dad that I drafted. I went no contact about a year and a half ago with no explanation to him, and I wrote the letter to try to explain what I couldn't explain back then. T was very impressed with the letter, and even though he was initially hesitant about how helpful the letter could be (especially since it's not likely to stay between me and my dad...will probably get passed around the family), once he read it, he leaned strongly towards the idea that it would, in fact, be helpful because I had written it so well. But even those compliments did nothing to prevent the feelings of loneliness and isolation getting stirred up again, even though I felt pretty decent going into the session.

I've had a pretty decent couple of weeks because of handling an event with my narcissist mom well (the YouTube video thing plus another event). But tonight I hate myself again, because every time I think back to how lonely I felt in my session yesterday, I just want to cave into myself and not talk to anyone ever again.

 

[DogwoodTree]

Despite this array of feelings, I always feel safe, comforted and loved. T never lets me walk out that door with out knowing that I'm awesome and that I'm going to be okay.

What does your T do to help you feel that way?

 

[Abstract]

I never feel OK in or after therapy. It feels totally counter intuitive for me. What's worse though is when I feel nothing and then have a delayed bad response after. Normally walk through the door am off dissociated. That;s before getting anywhere near trauma therapy.

Have you looked at attachment difficulties? When it comes to interpersonal trauma it can mess with all sorts when it comes to relationships trust and connection. Does the autism diagnoses feel correct to you? Have you looked at projection and transference? Have you discussed these feelings you have with your t?

 

[DogwoodTree]

What's worse though is when I feel nothing and then have a delayed bad response after.

Yes, this sucks. I often have a delayed emotional reaction. I'll be completely flat during the session, then be in tears off and on for the rest of the day...and maybe the next couple of days, too.

Have you looked at attachment difficulties?

All of the different attachment dysfunctions seem to fit me in some way or another, but not completely. I think, despite all the time I've spent studying this, I don't have a clear picture of it yet. I can't quite imagine what a healthy attachment looks like for comparison. It seems like something you would just see on TV.

Does the autism diagnoses feel correct to you? Have you looked at projection and transference? Have you discussed these feelings you have with your t?

Yes, yes, and yes.

There are several components to an autism dx, and they all fit me to one degree or another. My score on the clinician's assessment was very high.

I've studied projection and transference in depth. It seems like I never developed a "love receptor." People's loving actions toward me just don't filter into my world in a pleasant sort of way, even though I recognize they're treating me differently than the people who raised me. People aren't naturally enjoyable to me, even though I'm aware that I need them and am drawn towards trying to feel close to them, but it never works, at least not very deeply or for very long.

And yes, T and I have discussed this at length. But we've not yet discovered anything that helps.

 

[Panda Bear]

@DogwoodTree

I should add that I have a Sensory processing disorder....

Years of trying on his part to lift me up and make me see how awesome I was/am...deeply, inside and out.

Years on my part of really learning how to accept his kindness and sincere acts of compassion and love.

He never quit even when it agitated me and I would lash out at him, repeatedly. Eventually, I allowed the niceness to sink in and stick. He proved to be trustworthy, steadfast, consistent, human, always available, normal, and meet me where I was at, in the moment. When he was wrong, he admitted fault and sought my forgiveness. And vs versa.

It was a long process, probably 3 years of him being what I needed in order for me to accept that he genuinely had my best interest at heart.

We know have a saying we exchange when sessions are deeply painful and I'm doubting my ability to cope and rise above.

Me: I'm okay
T: You're going to be okay
Me: I'm going to be okay

 

[Eagle3]

I'm an Aspie too (ASD-1), so I know what you're talking about. Even though my T has made every effort to make a connection, I just don't feel it. Now, I trust him, I'm completely comfortable with him, I know he cares about me to a certain extent, but as far as feeling any real connection, not so much. I know this is just the PTSD/ASD speaking, so I'm ok with the fact that I don't feel much connection, but its one of the main things we work on regularly. There are hugs after every session, and when he does bodywork/energy healing, there's a comfortable physical connection that I have to learn to accept, but its hard. There are days I feel like I should just never go back, because he just can't REALLY understand me, or like me, or help me, or be EXACTLY what I need, but I know its just my stuff manifesting. For goodness sake, he lets me attend his Aikido classes for "free", saying its part of my therapy (Martial Artists understand each other in that regard), but I just don't know if I'm actually making a true connection or not. Sure don't feel it some days...

At this point, I like the guy, I trust him, I've seen better progress with him than anyone else, and for the most part, I leave session feeling better, although there have been many times I've had to email him afterwards to clarify something. However, feeling a healthy connection? Not so sure. More like a desperate clinginess, expecting to get pushed away or abandoned still. Just part of ASD and PTSD. For those of us with both, I always joke that my social life is totally f*cked.

 

[DogwoodTree]

Years of trying on his part to lift me up and make me see how awesome I was/am

What did he do that helped you see this? Was it things he said? Was it a particular tone of voice, or a specific approach to responding to you?

My T says nice things about me, and gives me feedback on how he experiences me (mostly positive). But I don't believe him. I try to...it just doesn't stick. It feels like he's making it up. And when I asked him about that, he explained that his personality type is naturally encouraging and it's easy for him to like people, so it would actually be difficult for him to not feel these things toward me. But I still don't believe him.

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

People's loving actions toward me just don't filter into my world in a pleasant sort of way, even though I recognize they're treating me differently than the people who raised me. People aren't naturally enjoyable to me, even though I'm aware that I need them and am drawn towards trying to feel close to them, but it never works, at least not very deeply or for very long.

@DogwoodTree, can you imagine yourself feeling connected to him? What do you think that would look like and feel like? It must be very difficult to feel that you "don't naturally enjoy people" but at the same time you are drawn to them. It makes me wonder if you are trying to fit yourself into somebody else's idea of what "connection" means. What does connection mean to YOU?

 

[DogwoodTree]

Even though my T has made every effort to make a connection, I just don't feel it. Now, I trust him, I'm completely comfortable with him, I know he cares about me to a certain extent, but as far as feeling any real connection, not so much. I know this is just the PTSD/ASD speaking, so I'm ok with the fact that I don't feel much connection, but its one of the main things we work on regularly. There are hugs after every session, and when he does bodywork/energy healing, there's a comfortable physical connection that I have to learn to accept, but its hard.

What do you do to "work on" on this lack of connection? Have you been able to explain it in a way that he seems to understand it?

I don't think I could handle hugs from my T. In fact, I know I couldn't. I struggle to allow physical contact from my acupuncturist, and even then I flinch when he touches me.

For those of us with both, I always joke that my social life is totally f*cked.

For me, this isn't even a joke. Seriously, my social life sucks. I try to do all the right things--I'm getting involved at our new church, I volunteer for things, I try to "get out there", I meet with a couple of friends one-on-one pretty regularly for in-depth conversation. But I don't feel connected to anyone.