How Does A Parent's PTSD Affect Their Children?

[Dragonfly]

Does anyone know how a parents PTSD affects their children? I know I do my best to hide alot of it from them, but I'm sure they notice some of it. I worry about how it will affect them in their lives now and as they grow into adults.

Does anyone else share this worry or have tips on how I can minimize the effect on them?

Sorry if I got it wrong... always struggle with affect vs effect, lol.

 

[midi]

Like a tornado. It's best to talk about it - when your children want to. It's much better if you are open about the issues that they see. It's not a walk in the park, but as long as you discuss things, it helps. Offer counseling for them and make sure they know they can take it whenever they are ready - there are subsidized programs out there if finances are an issue.

Therapy, medication, dietary changes,... coping strategies. For example, maybe there's a certain time in your daily routine where you just can't deal with having anyone in your space - so have your children (depending on their ages) ready by giving them something to do so you can have that down time.

Educate them about your triggers ie don't wake a sleeping dragon or bother mommy while she's doing work.

Journaling/drawing are good tools for kids who live with a PTSDer... I've found with my son, he's seen things that I don't remember. So he talks and I listen. His experiences need to be validated (as hard as some of it can be).

Hope some of this helps.

 

[starshine]

I agree that openness is good. Vital. Essential.

I spent a childhood with 2 un-formally-diagnosed and untreated mentally unwell parents. Mum PTSD and depression, and dad depression and some kind of mixed personality disorder/complex PTSD/stress stuff. It goes without saying that anything to do with emotions was taboo in my family, which is why it took me until I was 31 to seek diagnosis and treatment myself.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I had undiagnosed, and untreated PTSD while I was bringing up my daughter. I made her life crappy.......Be as open as you can, without divulging to much info. Or do age appropriate info....

PTSD affects everyone involved, not just children....JMHO!!!!!!

 

[a3a2]

Today, I am terribly afraid of this question and its answers.

 

[Kunoichi]

My mom had PTSD. She was undiagnosed and untreated. She developed, in my opinion, from her childhood and my father's abuse on her. While she shielded us I think in the only way she knew how...it still affected me and my sister greatly.

She did self medication through alcohol, workaholic and pill popping. She was not a mom, though she provided as best as she was able. The greatest impact was emotionally and psychologically for me and my sister. To change this I think that if she had been more open with us, then it would have helped. Emotions were not allowed, crying was weakness etc. My sister had to raise me when she was 9 and i was 6.

I do sometimes wonder if she had been getting treatment, how much it would have affected my sister and my life. I just would suggest you be open. When they are old enough to understand. Tell them how much you care about them and let them be kids for as long as it is healthy.

 

[sigh]

My add and mdd bf struggles with this (he has some ptsd but not full blown enough to warrent a dx--but he's been through some awful traumatic and tragic times with his kids). He knows his kids are okay with their mother and her new husband right now (a 7 hour drive away yuck). However, he feels out of their lives' and has tremendous guilt about having to leave because of his own problems. It's better this way as the two oldest are scared of him and the others seem okay (they were too young). Divorce, mental illness, psychosis, ill grandmother with dementia, etc...

 

[Mommy to 2]

I agree with a3a2...this question is too difficult for me to address right now. My children see me crying too often. I try to reassure them, but I know it's not ok.

~Mommy to 2

 

[Dragonfly]

I have 4 boys ages 16, 13, 10, and 8. They have seen alot and they know I cry fairly often even though I try to get myself to my room before the tears start to fall. I have tried to get kids into counseling in the past. The 16 yr old had a bad experience with a councilor and won't go back, the 13 yr old thinks counseling is OK but trying to get him to actually go is another story. I haven't been able to find a place that's anywhere close that offers counseling.

We do talk and the kids draw all the time. My kids know I was raped thanks to my ex husband who used to tell me in front of the kids that I deserved everything that was done to me by my abuser, and go into detail about the things that where done. Needless to say, that was a major trigger and the kids would see the reaction. Of course this is a man that when I got strong enough to tell him I wanted a divorce, slit his wrists (the wrong way) in front of the two youngest. Stupid me stayed another 5 years after that after being guilted by both sides of the family and my best friend at the time (which I later found out was his mistress).

I love my kids and have always tried to be the best mom I can be. I think it's because I care so much for them that I worry what my 'problems' are doing to them

 

[Seeking_Nirvana]

There is a thread in the careers section on this topic that Kathy created. It's called, "How Does PTSD Effect Family Life? Especially For Families With Children"

I haven't figured out how to link another post to a current post yet. But I would check out that thread because there are great answers and suggestions in it.

Tammy

 

[Grama-Herc]

Having raised a child while suffering with all my issues including but not limited to PTSD--which by the way went undiagnosed until she was a grown woman--I can tell you it put my child through hell.

She was not raised by me. She was raised by my disease and it did not make a very good parent.

If you are diagnosed parent--then you are blessed. You KNOW what is wrong and can attempt to help your child understand what is going on and that the insanity in their life IS NOT normal. People don't usually act the way they see you act.

My child had the life from hell until she turned 37 years old. God sent her a fabulous man who loved her enough to ride out the warped way she though. He stayed until he could convince her he really did love her and that love was not supposed to hurt.

She was terrified of being a mother because she had no role model. She has however, turned out to be a fabulous mommy by reading and educating herself.
I could not be prouder of her.

Just remember that we are their first teachers and they learn what they see.

 

[cat]

Hi All

I am coming to this thread form a different angle in that my children were 28(twins) & 25 when I was diagnosed, unfortunately for them it was their father who caused my trauma & then blamed me for his actions. I tried to hide the effects of this from them & everyone else for three years before becoming seriously ill, when it all came out due to the support of my brilliant GP.

This has been very tough on my children & although they are adults it has still caused them a lot of grief. They have seen me change from the strong, capable & happy person I was to someone who is simply afraid of life & all it holds. They have also had to cope with my divorce, their father emigrating, marrying a friend & virtually disowning them.

Six months ago on the advice of my counsellor I talked to them briefly about my trauma in the hope that if they knew it would help them to understand that I had not simple lost my grip on life. Their reactions were twins - ' I don't have any reason to doubt dad' my younger son - stunned silence & I immediately regreted telling them.

I've struggled with this until working with my psychologist recently when this and information I feel my children should have told me about my exhusbands affair came out during an emdr session, she has encouraged me to talk to them again as I feel that we are just not working as a family & there is a lot of tension between us. Of course their father has now given them another version of the event which has put them in the middle of all of this & they don't know what to believe. My youngest son who has been a great support yesterday told me that he wishes he'd never been told & doesn't want to know anymore. My eldest son (he's a PC) has taken the view that other people go through far worse & i've just got to come to terms with what happened, if only it was that easy. I certainly wouldn't be writing this or going to my psychologist if it was. After 22 appontments I still dread it!

So now I dont know where to go with this. I'll be talking to my psychologist this afternon but at the moment the only solution I can see is to keep how I feel from my family, it's difficult to tell them how I'm feeling without going into why I feel that way. Until all this happened I thought we had a strong relationship but now I doubt that & its making me question the upbringing they had & values I gave them.

Is anyone else in this situation, I'd really value any advice you can give me.

Thanks for reading.
Annette