How Does An Intimate Relationship Work For Someone With Ptsd?

[Lonelyone]

I've been trying to be open minded and date people in hopes of one day having a partner. I noticed that every time I have dated, it has resulted in a gigantic failure and I feel I am the one to blame. I have a very hard time with trust and intimacy especially sex, which seems horrifying. I can't bear to be touched and I have this response of wanting to pull away every time. I am not exactly sure where the physical response comes from as I don't remember being sexually assaulted except the pornography exposure when I was a child.

I feel like it is my fault for not being able to get close to anyone of the opposite sex. My family has no idea that I even have PTSD and if I were to tell them, they would think I am a drama queen and that I just need to deal with it. My mother keeps pressuring me to go out, find someone and have a bunch of kinds which seems like an impossible request to me. I keep wondering how anyone with PTSD can even have a healthy intimate relationship because I do not see it as possible for me.

 

[Iron_Angel]

My heart goes out to you, Lonelyone. It IS possible to have a healthy intimate relationship ... it just takes time and work to get there. And I think doing that work makes it have the potential to be a better relationship because we really have to think about what we're doing and find a partner who is in tune enough with us to overcome some of the issues around an intimate relationship for people with PTSD.

Trust is a huge thing for those of us with PTSD. You know the old saying about trust -- that it can take a long time to build, but only an instant to destroy. When you find the right person, building that trust will be worthwhile and they will come to value the trust between you as much as you do. It IS possible!

You say those dates have been huge failures and you blame yourself. You shouldn't take the blame for meeting people and it not working out. Gosh, it's hard enough to meet compatible people these days! So most of our efforts are not going to work out, that's just a fact of statistics. Let yourself off the hook for that one.

After my divorce from a marriage of 16 years, it took me 20 years to be able to be close with someone again. I just had to find the right person, and I did. There were lots of disappointments along the way, but when I look back, none of those people would have been right for me. They each taught me something about myself and what I was looking for, however. Once I had that figured out, the timing just seemed right in the universe for the right guy to come along.

Another thing I'd suggest is to change your idea of what an intimate relationship entails. If you think of it instead as a journey and not a rush to a destination, then you and your partner are free to explore different ways of being close. Intimacy itself is more than just sex, it's a feeling of connection, a meeting of the minds and spirits -- even a companionable silence can be very intimate. You might find it interesting to read a bit about karezza.

You and your partner can define what your intimate relationship means to the two of you, and forget what anyone else says. Someone who cares about you, or who wants to make the effort to get to know you enough to learn to care about you will be willing to take the time necessary to build the relationship. Maybe just focus on finding someone who can become a very good friend, someone you can share your innermost thoughts and fears with. That can naturally blossom into a physical relationship too. A friend will respect your wish not to be touched, until you get to a point where you may be able to accept a loving touch. Figure out what kinds of touches are okay for you --- holding hands? hugging? walking arm in arm? sitting close with the sides of your legs touching? more? less? It may sound old-fashioned but taking it slow as far as touch and sex is not a bad thing. Especially if it allows you to build intimacy along the way.

There are lots of ways to have a satisfying, healthy intimate relationship, no matter what the obstacles. Take my word for it.

 

[ironbird]

I don't suffer from PTSD but have just been dumped by a girl who sounds like you. She was sexually abused for 3 years by her half-brother. I have made a thread about her in this sub-forum. She was ok with kissing and touching but sex was a different story. She would do it occasionally and then become distant for a week or so afterwards because of the negative feelings associated with it.

How have your ventures into dating failed? How was it your fault? Did you ever get feelings for them, the feelings scare you and then you push them away?

There are people who you can meet but I guess PTSD does limit you a lot. Most people these days aren't very aware about mental illness and don't want the burdens. If they don't mind then most likely your lack of communication and strange behaviour will lead them to think your playing the field or aren't interested. The odds are stacked agaisnt you but there are good people out there who you can build a healthy,happy relationship with. I would like to hear your side of things.

 

[Sterre]

I keep wondering how anyone with PTSD can even have a healthy intimate relationship because I do not see it as possible for me.

One of the traits of PTSD ( or CPTSD) is that it's hard to see a ( nice) future for yourself. It could be possible that your thoughts about getting involved, and maintaning an intimite and healty relationship are somewhat coloured by your PTSD symptoms.
Sometimes it is possible to slowly overcome some problems, by getting aware of them and practising new, more adequat responses to triggers.

I've been trying to be open minded and date people in hopes of one day having a partner. I noticed that every time I have dated, it has resulted in a gigantic failure and I feel I am the one to blame. I have a very hard time with trust and intimacy especially sex, which seems horrifying. I can't bear to be touched and I have this response of wanting to pull away every time. I am not exactly sure where the physical response comes from as I don't remember being sexually assaulted except the pornography exposure when I was a child.

I was never litterally sexually assaulted when I was a child ( at least not what I can remeber), but the line between the actual deed is very very thin. The sexual lines between me and my stephfather were crossed many times by him. Sometimes it feels like I was sexually assaulted just by anticipating the threat of him doing so.( sometimes it feels like it acctually happend, altough it never did- to my knowledge-, but there was always the threat)
Being exposed to graphic pornografy while growing up could feel like being sexually assaulted.

When someone ( caretakers, parents, ect) voilates your bounderies over and over again ( not only in a sexual manner) it can cause you to get scared of intimacy in every way.

Don't be to hard on yourself!

 

[Tinyflame]

Ironbird, I think it helps anyone with 'trust' issues to not be viewed (their behaviour) as 'strange' but different. Perhaps that's the first most important part of knowing if you are a 'fit', or not, whether you can respect and love someone without feeling you are 'superior' in some respect, but afford them unconditional love, respect and understanding- both parties have to learn. And of course all the other similarities/ compatabilities that are important to both people, as with any relationship.

And I have found, Lonelyone, that trust is much easier with someone who is trustworthy.

 

[blueangel371115]

I agree with Junebug. respect is a big thing, respect usually breeds trust. See in my case, I feel all I can offer someone is a physical relationship. The whole intimacy thing I have trouble with. I don't trust people so I can't let them close spirtually or emotionally. I don't trust what they say. Not after having someone say that they love me and I mean the world to them just to have them try to strangle me.

 

[Sterre]

See in my case, I feel all I can offer someone is a physical relationship. The whole intimacy thing I have trouble with. I don't trust people so I can't let them close spirtually or emotionally. I don't trust what they say.

Ouch, thats so recognizable...

 

[MistyLu]

That resonates with me as well. I can only have "successful" superficial relationships with men. If all they want is sex with no attachment, here I am. I can't let someone in to see or share in my inner being, soul. It is literally too painful. And the trust thing, I don't trust men at all. So, needless to say, it is hard living with one.

 

[blueangel371115]

Ooh my God, that's me. I dated untouchable men, or physically abusive ones. Some of it's trauma bonding I think but most of it is these guys will settle for less than all of me.

 

[ironbird]

That resonates with me as well. I can only have "successful" superficial relationships with men. If all they want is sex with no attachment, here I am. I can't let someone in to see or share in my inner being, soul. It is literally too painful. And the trust thing, I don't trust men at all. So, needless to say, it is hard living with one. :confused:

You sound like the girl I have recently split from. I have some questions for you.

Why is it too painful to let someone in? This girl I was seeing told me she couldn't handle the pain of letting someone in and risk being hurt because she wouldn't able to handle that emotional pain, so its easier if she doesn't let anyone in. She let me in closer than she has anyone and it still wasn't enough. I was an idiot and though love could make her change but her fear was too strong.

Do you get feelings for someone and push those feelings away or do you just not feel anything for those guys but on a superficial level where you can just be friends and not care either way if they left your life forever the next day? How does this detachment work?

Is one of the reasons you can't let someone in because you feel worthless and a waste of time? This girl I was seeing said she felt like a burden on people because of her problems. She told me for the four months we were dating that she had been selfish for keeping me around for that time when the other guys she had dated had only been kept around for a few weeks before she'd push them away. This was what she told me when she was breaking things off with me, she said I deserve better and its time she stopped being selfish and let me go...

Thanks for your reply.

 

[Iron_Angel]

Part of it is self-preservation -- really not wanting to be hurt by someone we love or thought loved us. The other part is that we figure you're going to leave at some point, they always do, and nobody wants to deal with a messed up bag of emotions that we're never quite straight on ourselves. So we push you way, but we don't really want you to go.

Tonight, my friend sent me another one of the "No one is helping me, not even you, so leave me alone" e-mails. He's refusing to take any of the help I've offered, and now he's saying no one is helping. It's a real slap in my face. But I believe that if I really went away, he'd be sad. And probably too proud to ask me to come back. I've told him that if he wants to get rid of me he needs to be very specific so that I don't misunderstand, because I'm not giving up on him.

I know, well, I think anyway, that it's just the PTSD talking. It's very hard to separate the real feelings and thoughts, which may be hiding scared under a layer of protection, from the negatives the PTSD makes you think and feel.

I have a poor enough image of myself, I don't need someone I think highly of telling me I'm crap. I really couldn't handle it. Aware of that, I've been very positive and reassuring to my BF. But maybe men don't want that the way women do.

It's a lot easier to just not care, but I defy anyone to actually do that. We all care; whether we show it or not is another question entirely.

The "I'm going to stop being selfish because I care for you" is a noble gesture that helps us feel better -- if we care about someone, hurting them is not something we'd want to do. So better a quick goodbye now than a painful lingering falling out of affection. But I don't think that's really what we want. We want someone to stick with us no matter how awful, ugly, screwed up, or useless we are. We want someone to look at the mess we are and see the good in there, no matter how deep it's buried. We want someone to just love us, unconditionally. And nobody ever has. Except maybe a dog or a cat.

We feel bad enough from internal causes most days, we don't need external causes making us feel worse. And having someone we care about crap on us -- and human nature dictates that even a saint is going to lose their temper or become irritable with our B.S. at some point -- is the most devastating of all.

I don't think my answer helps you much, because we're also all very different, but it's helped me a little realize why I feel so very unloved and unlovable right now.

 

[Tinyflame]

Part of it is self-preservation -- really not wanting to be hurt by someone we love or thought loved us. The other part is that we figure you're going to leave at some point, they always do, and nobody wants to deal with a messed up bag of emotions that we're never quite straight on ourselves. So we push you way, but we don't really want you to go..

I know, well, I think anyway, that it's just the PTSD talking. It's very hard to separate the real feelings and thoughts, which may be hiding scared under a layer of protection, from the negatives the PTSD makes you think and feel.

I have a poor enough image of myself, I don't need someone I think highly of telling me I'm crap..

It's a lot easier to just not care, but I defy anyone to actually do that. We all care; whether we show it or not is another question entirely.

The "I'm going to stop being selfish because I care for you" is a noble gesture that helps us feel better -- if we care about someone, hurting them is not something we'd want to do.. We want someone to just love us, unconditionally. And nobody ever has.

I'm sorry Dear IA, but maybe you've captured the paradoxes: being hurt by someone we love or thought loved us/ it's a lot easier not to care- yet 'we all care'; that (we are, and him too, therefore) a 'messed up bag of emotions' - yet you think 'highly' of him; if we care about someone, hurting them is not something we could do, yet there are 'the negatives that PTSD makes you think and feel'/ even a saint would lose patience; 'we figure you're going to leave anyway'- 'nobody has loved us unconditionally'.

I think you have answered your question that yes I'd say from all you've done it's definitely the PTSD talking. But how to 'learn' or 'believe' or 'know' or 'trust' anything else is possible- I'm not sure if that is possible. I can only say it sounds like no one could have done more than you have, and that you're getting pushed away in fear of hurting you more. PTSD has a funny way of tricking us into justifications of why isolation and rejecting good people or things is for the (their) best.

I'm so sorry you feel so badly, but please do know at least I'm sure it is not reflective of you, your value, your relationship, or your past efforts.