How Has Ptsd Affected Your Marriage?

[Caterpillar]

Well, I'm engaged instead of married, and I certainly don't think the PTSD helps matters any. I have a really hard time talking about my feelings and sharing my thoughts when they have strong feelings connected. I know this leaves my fiance pretty confused and helpless feeling sometimes. I also get a lot of paranoia and trust issues. But I do my best to cope with it all in a way that won't damage the relationship, because my last serious relationship was destroyed by my partner's PTSD, so I have a guide of what NOT to do.

 

[The Albatross]

24 years married to my second husband. It has been rocky at worst, lonely during the neutral times, and we carry on with the occasionally happy times. We are though a bonded pair. We are better together than apart as both of our families are worse off actually than we are. He doesn't always have my back. Nor do I his... but we are back to back most always in the middle of a big hurricane of dysfunction from our mothers and siblings (both our brothers).

 

[Ladyghosthunter]

It destroyed mine, but then again, it was doomed from the start. Why I got married I don't know...

 

[fly away home]

Yep mine is over. Was it due to ptsd? Hard to tell but I know things can't go back to how they were.

Negative impact ptsd has had on our relationship would be the dissociation. Every time he gets even slightly aggressive or yells or shows any anger then I dissociate so there is no way I can communicate in that state.

Hyper vigilance has made me a nervous wreck so I am not relaxed and this caused him frustration.

Triggers obviously make it hard to be normal which again is frustrating for him.

 

[thisbejoe7]

I don't know if I can pin all of these issues on PTSD, but its at least related due to the chronic childhood abuse I suffered. I have a super strong need to feel wanted/desired by my wife. But she has her own issues and of course the person I married has to have issues with that very thing. She has a hard time showing love, and on top of that has no sex drive. So I often feel unwanted, unloved and undesired. Its very hard for me to deal with.

I also hate the feeling of being in trouble, at work it gives me a mild sense of panic if I make a mistake or do something wrong. At home, if she's mad at me or gets emotional and throws a "fit", I feel like I did something wrong and just start to shutdown. Our issues play off each other in a co-dependant type of way. Its not healthy.

We've made it 15 years so far, but its no easier now than it ever has been before. We just started seeing a sex therapist so I'm hoping that helps. She also does trauma therapy, so it should be a good fit.

 

[silkleaves]

I tend to get involved with guys who have some sort of history of their own... because of this, I am able to completely push myself aside to be there for them 100%, while not putting them on any pressure to be there for me. And this way too, for the most part, I've been able to keep things under wraps. Of course all of this was before my meltdown, but still..it helped.

I was married for 5 years, and I had my "quirks" as we can call it, but when we argued, I would completely lose it. Any amount of stress, would set me off. I didn't know the root of all this at the time though, this was like 17 years ago when I first married. (Omg, I hate the sound of that.) Anyway, I was quirky and at times difficult, as one can call it. Nothing too too bad...until the night completely out of the blue, I went through a "moment" and in a rash decision decided he was better off without me and did something about it.

Spent 2 weeks in the hospital and another 6 months of physical therapy...That, I think, was the final straw for him and when he started planning his escape from our marriage. Still yet, I had no idea I had PTSD. Like I said, he had his own issues, but I never shared my past or what I went through with him. I'm not sure if I had known, that he would have been supportive. I venture to guess not. I was really hard to deal with...and the bad times outweighed the good to the point he decided it wasn't worth it. And I don't blame him.

 

[fly away home]

When I was diagnosed and I told my now ex partner about it his first suggestion was that he might have to see a sex worker because I was not really there for him.

He said this like it was the best idea he's ever come up with. This was when I knew he was never going to be supportive with my ptsd. He was never going to 'get' it.

Like I said in my previous post I know I was not perfect but relationships require effort on both sides. @silkleaves what you said about devoting 100% to the partner and nothing to your own healing rings so true. My ex only knows a small amount of my traumas. He doesn't know that I was raped. What he does know he has used against me so I learnt early on to hold the sensitive stuff back.

Ptsd was probably the thing which ended the relationship and I am grateful it did. It was not a healthy place to be.

So thank you ptsd!

 

[Notmyself]

I thought I was strong enough to deal with PTSD. Boy, was I wrong. First year of watching him drink his life away and finding him passed out on the floor. I asked for awhile it took over a year to get him to see someone for help. I begged and begged. I look at every PTSD thing I could find in the net or in books. Once that help started, he found got into Oxy's and Perc's. He became an all out addict, he emptied out our bank account every day. Left me with no food or money to get myself to work. Over the next 3 years this was my hell. I still picked that soldier up and carried on. I pushed for Rehab, he went. Things went well for a year then back into the pills and empty bank account. He's spent over 250thousand on drugs. That included his settlement and my grandmother’s inheritance. During all of this I read everything about PTSD and have communicated with him.

I do everything in this relationship, cook, clean, yard work, pay the bills, I even make sure he gets to his appointments. We're not even intimate, I have talked about it and he just doesn't care. I got to therapy now to focus on myself. It's been 7 years with PTSD. It stole my best friend and took my future away. It's the ultimate punishment. It's not just the soldier that it touches it can rot the vibrant of souls. Now I am left to pickup my own pieces. We can't have a conversation without it getting heated. I find him overbearing and obtrusive, he'll start fights for nothing. He'll even go as far as to tell me he is going to kill himself during our argument. Then tell me I am making him do it. I have a waterfall of emotions on this subject. I still fail to see where this gets better; I am not seeing the light. From what others have written it never does. We just learn to accept it as them. Which to me is a hard pill to swallow when you’re 35 and trying to start a life to nowhere.

 

[shell]

@Notmyself his behavior is abusive towards you, it would distress me if I were treated like that. You are worthy of more, we only get one chance at life, I hope for your sake that you start making yourself your first priority, and make it a life to somewhere, because you are not doing anyone any favors by allowing him to treat you like that.. PTSD is no excuse to abuse others.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

We both had PTSD. His was an alcoholic problem on top of being untreated so we had some very rocky times until I finally left him for three months. He totally changed. He got himself in rehab and we did the whole counseling thing together which made a huge difference for us. We loved each other passionately. He became my rock which I began to be able to lean on and in my own small way I became his lover. We had thirty six years of good times and bad until the severe dementia he got killed him a year ago.

I did the best I could to take care of him. I was so loved and cherished and I so loved and cherished him. He was a really good one of a kind guys and was a keeper.

I miss who he used to be. He changed because he knew he really loved me and did not want to lose me and I was so serious about things as they used to be. I was very lucky.

Now a widow, I have absolutely no interest in another relationship. To love and to be loved really in spite of and no matter what got us through. We had each other to depend on since our families were so dysfunctional. We made it work. One of my therapists told me that I was dragging him behind me. But he changed and he was always a person who was compassionate and showed mercy despite his faults. I really miss him so much.