General How Important Is It For Supporters To Have A Support Network?

[wyrd_dragon]

I am a sufferer, and I am worried about my supporter.

My husband has anxiety and depression and is my sole carer. It's been a real struggle for him to get into therapy in the first place and it keeps getting disrupted. Every break from it means things get rough here. He's heading back to therapy after another break, but is really not coping well and things are really rough for him.

He has a bunch of friends who really care and are ready to support/listen and be there, but he insists that that would 'be no use' and that he 'does best by himself'.

Thing is, his isolation means I'm his only support for his issues. And his only emotional contact or outlet. I do the best I can, but my PTSD, fibro and CFS mean when there's too much pressure from dealing with his issues I crash really hard.

So I wanted to ask supporters here: How important is a support network (other than just your therapist or counsellor). Is it unreasonable of me to want him to reach out to friends and maintain friendships so he has external support?

 

[ill]

While I do believe that friends can be a good secondary support network, I think the bulk of the heavy lifting happens in or because of therapy/counseling. Counselors have more knowledge about anxiety, depression and caretaker burnout than most friends would. Instead of turning to less experienced friends to provide the bulk of support, I would rather my spouse have consistent, uninterrupted therapy. And then perhaps as he learned to manage some of the more difficult aspects of his conditions, he'd be more likely to learn to lean on his friends/secondary support network.

 

[wyrd_dragon]

Thank you so much -- I don't want to put unreasonable expectations on him but his isolation worries me in the absence of consistent counselling. From what you're saying, as tough as it can be I should probably try to give him space/time to settle into counselling and hope that helps him reach out in general :)

 

[amethist]

Hi DeathRay

Therapy is good if he can get it, but nothing can replace the fun and laughter his friends can offer him. This is important for him and he does need to get out with them, as they are not involved with your PTSD and it can give him some normality in his life.

I go out with friends when ever I can and its what keeps me sane.

 

[RussH]

I am a sufferer, and I am worried about my supporter.


He has a bunch of friends who really care and are ready to support/listen and be there, but he insists that that would 'be no use' and that he 'does best by himself'.

I am a man so I can say this; sometimes we men can be stupid. We get all John Wayne and think we can handle it by ourselves, but the reality is we need help. Your husband may say he is better by himself, but deep down I think he knows better. If I had to guess, and that is all I am really doing, guessing, your husband either: Doesn't think his friends care, or more likely, he doesn't want to appear weak in front of them: John Wayne.

Have you considered talking to some of his most trusted friends? Perhaps if they know what is going one, then they will be pro-active and reach out to him. This is only a suggestion, but think about it.

 

[wyrd_dragon]

Thanks Amethyst and RussH :)

I think both of you have really good points -- Amethyst: I absolutely agree he needs social contact that is not just me. Unfortunately he is adamant that
a) he only likes to spend time with me
b) he sees people at work (I don't think this is the same as relaxing with friends) and
c) he's not 'exposed to' my PTSD all the time. Which just has to be denial because I'm very affected and disabled on top of it!

RussH: I do think there's a gendered/male thing going on in terms of 'I don't need help/don't want to be judged'. He's also got horrible low self esteem and social anxiety. He's very introverted and his few close friends from high school are not people he talks to about 'personal' stuff. He doesn't understand why people care about him/want to help.

I did get in touch with his close friends (the ones who he doesn't talk to as much but really care/are invested) but when they reached out to him he got anxious and twitchy and kind of freaked out :( That's what lead to this post, actually. We had a rough conversation where he was questioning why on earth it would be useful to hang out with friends more.

Later on we did manage to talk it out again and he thinks maybe he really does need to talk to other people and have friendships outside of just him and me! So I've got fingers crossed.

 

[RussH]

Deathray, I am glad to hear he is at least ready to talk with other people. I truly hope things work out and both of you can be come healthier. Please feel free to keep in contact if you need to talk.

 

[wyrd_dragon]

Thank you RussH -- it's been lovely to get some other supporters perspectives and I'm sure I'll continue to come here when I need to understand. I hope he comes back here for help too! He's got a profile but just hasn't used it much.

 

[rightkindofme]

If he can't hang out with friends without freaking out then his issues are such that he needs a large and active support network including a therapist. That's not healthy. We are a social species. Feeling that upset by the presence of people who like you is not a good thing. :-\

I'm sorry.

 

[Toria]

Hi DeathRay - just from my point of view - I think it's very easy to make the person you love your whole world and their problems become your problems and then it becomes a vicious circle. Stress and anxiety can cause huge fatigue and he may feel he simply hasn't the energy to spend with friends. He may also worry about leaving you on your own - I worry about my Sufferer being on his own as that's when his brain starts to work overtime and his symptoms become worse. If that is the case I'm sure he is staying home because he cares - which isn't perfect for either of you, but it is sweet of him. The other thing is, that he simply may not feel as if he has anything in common with his friends anymore - they don't have his problems so he may not feel they can relate. Just a thought x

 

[wyrd_dragon]

Wow, thanks so much @rightkindofme and @Toria,

rightkindofme -- I absolutely agree that the social anxiety/withdrawal from friendships and inability to maintain them (he calls me his 'social secretary' which is fine except for when I'm not doing well enough to make sure he sees people) is very unhealthy and a great source of worry :( I think the combination of therapy and an active social support network would be ideal but I'm just stumped about how to encourage it. I'm trying very hard to enable him to reach out -- including making sure he has 'pocket money' for going out to see friends so he doesn't feel that he's taking money away from the household budget. He finds it really hard to do anything for 'him'. :(

And Toria, I think you make a very good point. I know from past conversations that he really doesn't like leaving me on my own, especially if I'm not doing well. He's a very sweet, loving person and his low self-esteem tells him he 'doesn't deserve me' (something else I am trying to help him work on) so he gets very anxious about 'not taking care of me enough' -- so much so that he neglects himself. I do think, as well, that he doesn't feel his closest/high school friends would understand the situation. He finds them easiest to talk to (still chats online every day) but they were an all-boys group of misfits who didn't talk about feelings and relationships at all so I think he feels unable to address this stuff with them.

He has new friends, met via me, who care very much about him and understand these issues, but he doesn't find it as easy (actually near impossible) to talk to them no matter how much he is reassured that they care about him and want to help.

I suppose I'm trying to figure out what else I can do to better enable him to get outside support and feel safe and comfortable developing the support network I feel he so badly needs.

*crossing fingers* that getting him back into therapy will improve the situation.

 

[rightkindofme]

There probably isn't anything you can do to cause him to want help. He has to want it for himself. It's a really hard dynamic.