Relationship How Is Your Sufferer There For You?

[Badger]

I am so there for this guy all the time, and he is not always able to do the same for me. There are a lot of reasons for that, and many of them are valid. It still gets a little lonely feeling at times, though.

I guess I just want to ask other supporters, how are your sufferers there for you? How do you recognize when he is making that effort?

 

[StrongHeart]

That's what makes my situation so hard. I had shingles last summer and my sufferer was amazing, just amazing. I've never been treated so well, so cared for. He also buys me flowers and says all the wonderful things that go along with being a couple. Then there are the tough times - the combat anniversaries, the times he's activated by too little sleep or too many hours at work, the casual nastiness from others. He gets downright mean and angry, but I'm starting to see it as frustrated and panicky.

 

[Snowangel1225]

As of right now, no. Our relationship is young and he has had a lot of issues from the beginning with him moving back to the area, finding a place to live, getting settled, court appearances and starting tomorrow, house arrest. All of these things stem from events before we met, but they have preoccupied his mind and have been the focus. Not saying he hasn't done anything for me, because that isn't true. He has fixed several long standing problems at my home and is great company (when he's not isolating), but admittedly, the constant focus on his issues is getting old.

I am hoping that once we work our way through his legal issues...finish the 28 day house arrest and one more court case to be settled with a potential of more house arrest or actual jail time...we can move forward with us. He appreciates my support and keeps telling me he would totally understand if I bailed at any time. If it wasn't for the fact that he does realize how much I am there for him, and that he does appreciate it and thank me for it, I would have walked away a long time ago. He made some bad decisions and he's paying for them now. It's a crappy way to start a relationship and I'm looking forward to getting it behind us.

 

[radicalgratitude]

Badger, as a sufferer, I would like to ask you a question. Have you shared with your sufferer about your feelings around this? I personally was called out on this by a couple of people and I was so grateful for it even though it was painful to hear. I felt more and more grateful with time.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I agree with StrongHeart's sentiment above. My sufferer is not always in the throes of a PTSD meltdown. When he is feeling well he treats me just as well, if not better, than any other man I have ever been with. The times when his stress levels get too high and he is not feeling well, I still know that he loves me. I know this because I see him making an effort to communicate with me and work on himself.

Yes, there are times that I cannot lean on him for support. There are times that he is not very pleasant to be around. I don't see that as a personality flaw, but rather a part of his PTSD. Maybe there is a level of acceptance that you eventually reach as a supporter. I know what behaviors are really behaviors that are symptomatic and not just him deciding to be selfish or mean. If he could help me in any situation, I know he would in a second. When he is lashing out, he may be snippy and nasty, but he is not hateful (i.e. calling me names or saying terrible things about me). I guess after awhile you just make peace with it.

 

[Badger]

Racial,

Yes I have. He said he hasnt had any friends in 2 years because he is to hard to be friends with. I told him I'll leave him alone when he wants, but unless he is abusive he has my unconditional friendship. Now that he sees I can walk the walk and demonstrate consistency he is making a huge effort. He texts me when I say I need him. Like when my 7 year old almost set fire to the kitchen while her dad was "watching" her yesterday. Winter calmed me down and gave me advice.

Thats a big deal.

 

[amethist]

My husband is doing a lot better at supporting me now.

Its not always been like this though, as when I had to go into hospital for a day a few years back, I had to get my daughter to take care of him while I was there and make sure I was Ok for the first few days.