Relationship How Often Does S/he Break Up With You?

[catwomanne]

Just wanna know if your sufferer breaks up with you often too, and what do you do whenever s/he does?

For my case, my boyfriend (or perhaps, now ex) breaks up with me every single time we get into a heated argument, even if it's a shallow one; most especially whenever he's having an outburst of anger. So what happened to us, he'd break up with me almost every week for half a year now. Idk if I'd still try to make up with him because I'm not sure if it's still normal we'd break up this often, considering his condition. One thing's for sure, he breaks up with me whenever he gets angered and/or frustrated.

P.S. He's only had 2 months of therapy as of writing. I try not to blame his PTSD, but ever since he's had it, he's changed and it affected our relationship, just like everyone here.

How about you?

 

[ms spock]

I would manage as well as you in this situation. You are quite level headed and calm about it.

I am a sufferer and though I have poor emotional regulation I am trying to improve and get better. It seems to be taking forever.

I don't know if you have your own mental health professional or counsellor but if you could get yourself one, so as to take care of yourself and your own needs I think it could be a good idea.

So with the information that you have put in your post it would appear to me that your partner has very poor emotional regulation and ending the relationship is the way he deals with scary/overwhelming emotions. That is how I would understand what you are saying. That is not helpful for you at all I would imagine.

It must be hard to live with this.

I have been practicing how not to lash out verbally these last two years with my partner B. I have only done it a couple of times, so that is good. I do find managing my emotions really difficult.

I wish you the best.

 

[Julesnaz]

We aren't technically in a relationship, but mine has said several times that he doesn't think it's a good idea for us to see each other anymore and then in a few days things are fine. He hasn't said it in a while though. It used to be about every month at the end of the month. I used to email him and pretty much tell him he was being stupid and I cared for him a lot. Now if it happens I just say ok and let him have his space. The space thing has seemed to work a lot in that he hasn't said those things in a while.

 

[yoshixvx]

My opinion - with my 20+ years of therapy experience: he needs to learn DBT. These are the only skills that are effective in emotional regulation (yes, even if a sufferer says they'll stop a behaviour, "I can change" etc - it is doubtful that they can on their own), black and white thinking (breaking up with you over something small by blowing it out of proportion), and distress tolerance (not letting his anger escalate to the point of an argument).

As someone who also has a heightened "flight" response, substitution of healthy coping mechanisms will eradicate the need to always run from a perceived threat (lack of trust) or actual conflict (interpersonal issues). It's nothing to do with you personally - it is completely overwhelming to him and he does not have the skills to cope in a healthy manner.

Being triggered in a relationship environment can cause people to avoid experiencing them in the future, so this is why giving him space is actually beneficial. But as soon as he gets close again, he will be triggered and the cycle is going to continue until it destroys him or both of you.

I speak from experience.

You need to articulate your needs, and set boundaries/expectations if you want the relationship with him to continue. Also, I recommend seeing a therapist to cope with this chaos, as I imagine it is quite draining to tolerate.

Bottom line is that PTSD changes people whether they allow it to or not. We aren't in control of our disorder, but we can be responsible and accountable for the way it affects others.

 

[Orglethorp]

Everyone is different, everyone handles their issues differently, and PTSD does change us. That being said, speaking from personal experience as a sufferer, I have never been "on again, off again" with my boyfriends. Any time I've broken it off, I meant it, and the relationship was over. If your boyfriend is breaking it off so frequently, I question whether or not he's capable of being in a relationship right now.

 

[tsadlerj]

My girlfriend is a sufferer, and even though we have never "broken up" she has questioned why I stick around quite a few times and it kills me every time she asks, because even though she asks why I put up with her, it seems like she is asking me to leave her (which will never happen). But one positive is that I am learning and this website has been a huge help. I'm recognizing her triggers a little better. In fact, she had two triggers just tonight that I know of so I decided to just leave her alone for the night. It's all I really can do. I just wish there was an easy way to cope with it because I hate the feeling that I get when I am getting shut out, especially when it wasn't me that triggered her. I think that's the toughest part. When you want to be there for her, even if it's just to hold her, but she wants nothing to do with you. But things are getting better. We are both learning. Not too long ago I would have fought with her and made things worse. Not because I was in the wrong. Just because I have learned that arguing doesn't solve anything when she's been triggered. It only makes things worse, so there are times when I can do my best as a supporter by giving her some space. It sucks, but that's because I'm being selfish and want to be with her all the time. But by giving her some space I know that she will work this out and we will be better a lot sooner than if I persisted on being by her side when she doesn't want my company

 

[Poledancer2007]

Hi - not read all of the posts so apologies if I am going over old ground. My partner has done the same to me, just wondering if it is normal or not? Get the "you will be better off without me" line. We have had breaks before, before we realised he has PTSD. This time it went from a break to a split.

He is down in London at the moment - so no ever day life and no stress etc. Made the decision with no PTSD in there, no blip but now made it the emotion is coming out.

Is this normal? Do I need to just wait it out or is it a defence mechanism for guilt he is feeling for hurting me (he has cheated on me in the past).