General How Should I React....

[GailAV]

The night before last, my vet and I had quite the night. It started off with him showing up at my house unexpectedly. He is always welcome, but what I felt weird was he was texting me, not indicating he was coming over, or that he was at my house, up until the very second he knocked on my door. He brought a 6 pack and a few shots. We sat around the table, and he was in mood where he wanted to talk, tell me things, so I mainly just listened. There was a point where he started talking about the deaths of buddies, about holding them in his arms,questioning why not him. Of course he was crying, and it was horrible, and I didn't know what to do, how to react. I kept telling myself I could not cry, and did my best to not let a tear drop.....Eventually his stories took him to a place where he was no longer crying. THEN I got a message from a male acquaintance asking about a situation I happened to have witnessed earlier in the day. Well, that didn't pan out well. Him having been drinking decided it was a good idea to call this guy and tell him to leave me alone. Nothing I could say or do persuaded him to just let the situation go, so he called, the other guy felt it funner to agitate the situation rather than call it what it was.. So things got STUPID. Then my vet asked me, what I was so worried about, was I worried about that guy hurting him, or was I worried about him hurting that guy..... Well, my answer was that I was worried about him hurting that guy. WRONG answer! To him that automatically meant that I was defending the other person. Sigh. That was not what I meant. So the night progressed with him completely agitated at me for me not defending him.

So yesterday, and even today, I'm racking my mind about the situation. How do I ever know if the words I use are wrong? I understand his thought process is different from mine, and we can misunderstand each other at times, but once he interprets something in one way, there is not getting his mind to understand the miscommunication. He tells me once he sets his mind, its like he is on mission mode, and there is no changing it.

The worst part of all of this, is how I feel about how I reacted when he started to break down and cry. I didn't know what to do. I don't know what to do if it happens again. What do I say? What do I do? He has sometimes told me I have been to close to him, crowding him, it causes him to stress out because he feels like his line of sight is blocked, so that was one of the first things I thought of when I had an instinct to go and hug/hold him, So I didnt, I kept my distance.

 

[Purplemunchkin]

A lot of this is personal, and maybe when he's is a good space you should ask him?

I know if my husband is upset, and recalling details of his trauma, I move to be near him and I hold his hand. If he wants a hug he will lean into me. He wants me to be there, but not all over him. But some people need more, and others need a lot less.

As for when hubby starts twisting everything I say and do into an attack on him. I just leave the room. He can't be reasoned with, so there is no point trying. Anything I do try to explain will just exacerbate the situation. He needs to calm down before we can talk.

Although, I have to say, that if hubby was being that open with his feelings I would ignore my 'phone.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Yep... I agree with @Purplemunchkin. When the war stories start, he is the center of my attention. I just let him talk, and don't offer any opinions or commentary. I wouldn't answer the phone either.

Telling you those things is VERY difficult. Answering the text in the midst of it probably set the whole thing off honestly. Add in the fact it was another man, and the alcohol, it was going to get ugly.

 

[GailAV]

I actually didnt acknowledge my phone, but the alert that the message came in was heard. So he asked who it was... I agree with leaving the phone alone. :)

 

[Cavegirl]

I never know what to do when the war stories come out. I make sure I pay very close attention and don't talk much and do NOT let myself cry no matter what I hear. He's never sitting close to me when the stories come. He's usually sitting in his chair so I can't really sit close or offer him my hand. But I always want to hug him. I asked once if I could give him a hug and he said no. He said he couldn't get used to "needing" comforted. He had to deal w it on his own. Broke my heart but I just nodded.