How Tall Do You Feel Today?

[cragger65]

OK, I know there is another thread along these same lines, and Anthony I apologize if in your judgement they belong wedded.

I was tempted to put this in the "Success Stories" section, but I didn't want it to be about my success or "failure", but everyone's, all of us.

Today I feel about 7'2". I just feel GOOD, and if you had seen me a year ago, you wouldn't believe it possible. In the course of this Journey, I have felt miniscule, microbial even. Disturbed, horrified, utterly without hope. And I've felt like I was trapped, suffocating, in a thick, black plastic body bag.

I have felt 2" tall in others' estimation, and even smaller in my own.

I have felt like a broken child, scared, alone, desperate.

And I have felt like a "stupid" pimply-faced, awkward pre-teener.

But today I feel like a man again. A good man. Worth something.

And I have all of you to thank for it. Feelings like this are fleeting for me, so I wanted to share it now, while it feels "REAL". :think:


that's all I had to say, :thumbs-up
Dave

 

[Tinyflame]

Good for you Dave!
So honest and so acurate as to how it feels for me.

I'm "short" anyway (lol), but as to feeling like a "broken child, scared, alone, (and) desperate", and "horrified, utterly hopeless"- this I know all too well.

I would add "voiceless", for me.

In the last few months and especially couple of weeks I have begun to feel a lot less broken, scared, or desperate. I believe I have found "hope" that I have lived without for decades, and it is a gift to me of immeasurable worth.

Dave- now you just have to remember it is real, and that "reality" does not have to be fleeting- you just have to get used to/practise seeing yourself in a realistic, positive (and accurate) light.

I think "we" all have a greater tendency to notice what we think are our faults because we often feel so lousy or ashamed/ guilt-ridden, but it is correct, healthy (and necessary) I think to learn how to see and appreciate our "good qualities", too.

I think "healing" gives us some of our dignity back, and I thank all the people on this Forum for helping me achieve a little bit of that. :smile:

 

[cragger65]

Beautifully put, Junebug, with amazing clarity. Thank you, and your comments on the "reality" give me nothing if not even more hope today.

Thank you, as always.

 

[Mercy]

Dear Dave,
:clap: I am so happy for you!!!!I have a small suggestion inaddition to writing your amazing post so we can all celebrate with you. You might consider writing it down for yourself. This is really a marvelous perception for you that you are a good man. We already know some of that goodness here. :clap:

Maybe you have a card you can give yourself or plain paper to record this time. Writing it down off the forum will bring this truth even more 'home' to you, accessible at any time when you might like to read it again. For me, I'd write it out, fold it up, and keep it in my pocket for a rainy day, maybe in a sandwich bag to keep it dry.Tee Hee to protect it from all the tears :smile:

It is true, you are a really good man. And it is true that we all do variations of this strange dance- leap forward, step back, step forward, slide to the right and slide to the left, the another leap forward....Not quite Texas line dancing but close...I wonder what we should call it? Any ideas?:hello:!

 

[Kunoichi]

YAY dave congratz!!!!

today I feel like I'm the size of a child. Scared and clinging to my hubby for protection. Hopefully tomorrow will be different.

 

[Grama-Herc]

Dave

I have a beautiful suggestion brought to mind by the post Mercy made. Find someone who is crafty and have them print your post and frame it. This needs to be someplace where you can see it and appreciate it. A central place in your life.

A mile stone like this needs to be celebrated and celebrated daily!

Congradulations to you, what a gift you have given yourself

 

[cragger65]

Thank you guys, and for the suggestion to save this one for a rainy day. That's a really good idea!!

(Sorry, not too chatty today - got the flu.)

 

[cragger65]

OK, I'm back on my feet :) Thank you all for sharing my happy moments, you are all a big part of what makes them even possible.

You are so right, Mercy, about it being a strange sort of dance. It used to be one step forward, two steps back. Now it is one step forward, and a (now anticipated) slide, and gathering myself back up.

I've realized that for me, personal achievement seems empty until I can use it to feel I am helping someone else. I'd hate to sound all "altruistic", but this seems to be Truth, much more so than fiction.

Anyways, thanks a bunch,
Dave

 

[goingonhope]

Happy New Year!

I was tempted to put this in the "Success Stories" section, but I didn't want it to be about my success or "failure", but everyone's, all of us.

O.k. if that's the case then you asked for this. Much of this day, I've felt about 8ft tall! As I enjoyed playing chess and another game or two with my children.

Not only this, but I actually made a wonderful supper for us all tonight, (uncommon).

Also, I managed to shovel an enormous amount of snow from our driveway all the way down and shoveled even into the street. I've enjoyed and done much throughout this day, including shoveling the mounds again and again created by snow plows, across the length of our entire driveway. Kept my surprise all a secret from my husband, and so when he arrived home a short time ago from work, he could easily drive up into the well shoveled, salted driveway. I feel awesome, it's not like it's the first time I've ever shoveled. I always shovel, but not yet have I done this huge job all alone; Today I did.

But today I feel like a man again. A good man. Worth something.

This is really good news. Awesome!

I know this feeling and it is a damn good one. We don't end up feeling like this by doing nothing, so I'm very, very happy to hear just how good you've felt most recently.

We really are truly very ill people, doing alot and so much and willing to try almost anything positive to be well, share with others and simply live. So I'm glad to hear you're feeling this good and yourself, Dave.

Also, you describe that suffering side quite well, I must say, I too know this feeling and it's a damn sh'tty one.

while it feels "REAL".

Oh' yes, it's real, our whole lifetimes have been REAL.

The self-esteem to ...suicidal ideation. The adult us to ...the child that lives within each of us and regardless of his/her condition, illness or no illness, well-being, or hideous sufferings, ...that child piping up and sometimes needing and wanting our's and another's attention. It's all REAL.

Our joys, our trauma(s), the happiness we bring to others and have found, as well as, the peace of mind we've stolen and/or continue to, it's all very REAL.

Dave, I'm glad you've shared here above in creating this thread. A day of well-being and feeling tall is such a success!

Also, the way I see things every day alive that we're not hurting ourselves or another from any tendency toward sudden anger or rage, is a wonderful success.

I gotta' tell you something too. :rolleyes: At this point in sharing and adding to your thread, I keep finding myself thinking about a scene from a kids show: "Happy Feet" I think there's some line in it that says, "Dave it's real, it really is, it's real Dave." Have you ever watched this movie before? My kids have repeated these lines so many times, :wink: I right now can't seem to get it out of my head. Also, there's some movie that takes place in a rocket ship or something in space with a man of the name Dave and some of the same type of similar wording is said in that show. So I find myself, thinking now: Is this my imagination or is this real? (Smiles)

Anyhow, please take care and it's great you're feeling better from the flu. :thumbs-up


Hope

 

[cragger65]

Hope, thank you for your AMAZING post. You gave me so much insight here, AND you gave me that feeling back from the other day. In particular, thank you for driving home the point that it really is REAL - all of it.

That "Happy Feet" movie sounds so familiar. I'm gonna have to keep my eye open for that one now :P

Cheers,
Dave