Sufferer How The Hell Did I Get Here?

[desiderata310]

Kind of a long and twisted tale here. I've "known" that things weren't right about when I was a kid and that I was abused but I don't really remember most of it and I've managed to push through and ignore most of that most of my life. I have issues there but most people know me as a tough as nails chick and have no idea that I've been through … kinda hell….

7 years ago I remarried a guy who seemed great at first. But, he's a psychopath. Abused me for 5 years: physically, psychologically and sexually. I finally got my head straight after he almost killed me and got away from him. He stalked me for months after. I've been suffering for about two years and just hanging on but still functional and had made things work.

I moved to the other side of the country recently and things got a little worse. At the same time a friend of mine became suicidal. In order to get him to go to therapy, I had to agree to do the same. Finding a therapist in a new town, with new insurance was an adventure in and of itself but I finally found someone who my insurance would take.

SO! I found myself in therapy, talking to someone and found out that I have PTSD. (oh so THAT'S why I sleep like hell, have panic attacks, can't concentrate, don't trust people, can't get into enclosed places, have night terrors/nightmares and don't want to be touched ever!)
Actually, writing this down, it suddenly makes more sense why I sometimes feel like I am about to fall apart.

Can't say I'm 'happy' to be here but at least there are other people here who have been through stuff that has caused them to have this issue?

I am trying to understand why I get the way I get and why I can't seem to trust anyone, including my therapist or myself. Why I can't just HTFU and move on without sitting in that little room with the therapist and bawling my eyes out.Why I hate myself so much.
Ugh.

hi everyone. My name is desiderata and I have PTSD… is that what I'm supposed to do here?

 

[franciemarnie]

Hi Desiderata,

Welcome!!

I am so glad you finally know what you have and it is making some kind of sense.

It helped me a lot to read about what happens in the brain under sustained trauma and without the necessary release of trauma energy afterwards like animals know to do naturally in the wild after a life threatening situation. But if an animal is contained or somehow not able to shake off and release the hormonal and chemical stress right after the threat to safety, they will get screwed up too. It messes with the body and brain. It changes things.

You might consider reading Waking the Tiger by Peter Levine and any of the great articles in the Help Section. Then you will know why you can't just "move on". Your body remembers. It changed with the trauma. But there are healing solutions.

So glad you are here!

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

Hello @desiderata310

Glad to hear you're in therapy and good to have you with us. It takes a while to build up trust with your T (I still don't trust mine).

I know how you feel there have been times in my life when I've thought "why can't I just be normal, get over it and stop feeling sorry for myself". But when we've been through a trauma it's simply not as easy as that. It changes the way we think the way we feel and ultimately the way we are.

There is light at the end of the tunnel
Xx

 

[macca]

Hi there, welcome to the forum! This is a really supportive, safe place. Sorry for the reason you are here, but glad you have found us!

 

[arfie]

As I have out-grown my "Tough as nails" veneer I have grown to believe that it was a personal defense which gave my PTSD issues the freedom to grow and seize power undetected beneath the facade. When the facade finally crumbled during the 80s, I discovered I was everything I never wanted to be.

Much therapy work later, I have learned that compassion and acceptance are not weakness. Many of the things my combat-booted persona disdained are good qualities when used well.

Welcome to the forum, Desiderata. Gentle healing wishes in your journey to discovering what it is for you.

 

[joeygn72]

I also have known all my life there is something "wrong" with me. I chalked it up to Borderline personality disorder, then I thought I was sociopathic (because I can flip out at a seconds notice) or bipolar ETC ETC. I have begun therapy and learned about dissociation and PTSD. I've also learned my brain is a lot like an old computer, I am trying to run an old computer in a modern world with old software and old hardware and it can't keep up.. My mistrust of people, irrational fear, hypersensitivity, anxiety were all defense mechanisms my mind developed to protect me but much like windows 98 they are outdated and no longer usable. They actually are a detriment to my life now.

I say all that to say this. The things I thought were "wrong" were put in place for a reason. I just don't need them anymore. What does anything I said have to do with this topic??? Who knows. My mind wanders but I know if I sit here long enough it'll eventually find it's way back and trip over me.... I hope you find some peace.

 

[Lost.n.confused]

Welcome.
I think most of us have always thought something wasn't right. See you can take a breath and now know you were right.

I was just diagnosed. Its scary. But when you start reading about it and learning about it. Things just end up falling into place.

This place is a safe place for me. I can come and read others stories and I no longer feel alone. I hope it does the same for you.

Good luck and as they told me go ahead and vent..its ok!

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

Welcome!!

 

[intothelight]

Hi desiderata,

Welcome to the forum!

One thing about a PTSD diagnosis, at least what is wrong has a name, and knowing what is wrong can be the beginning of making things better. As you read and look around you will find that you are no longer alone and the support of members is invaluable as you work on healing. You might want to also check out some of the various types of therapies.

Take care.

Debbie