How to build trust with therapist

[knuckles]

I apologize if I am not making much sense. I really struggle with this.

I need to be able to trust my therapist, just a little bit, in sessions. And I can't seem to find a way to make that happen.

I have seen this therapist four times (she is a body therapist with focus on trauma and attachment - as well a craniosacral therapist); once in September to "introduce" myself (I present very different in person than I do in emails) and to find out if I could manage the five hour journey back and forth. In the following email-correspondance the therapist said she was willing to try and we set up three sessions before Christmas.

In session I struggle to think and speak, and I flinch/cringe/whimper if she gets too close. She has been trying hard to find an approach that doesn't make me feel worse, but no luck so far. The last session, mid-December was the hardest session so far; the strongest reactions. On a side-note I seem to handle the travelling part by "switching on" a more rational and task-oriented version of myself. Adding to that the presence and support of my dog and I manage public transportation without major issues.

I want to be better able to openly listen to her in session, to speak and basically just be able to engage in therapy. But it seems I am so overwhelmed with fear (or something like it), that I am unable to aknowledge that I am safe - that she is not out to hurt me. I have written to her about this, as I really struggle with it. Outside of sessions I am much better able to think and reflect on the situation. She agrees that it is difficult. She is trying to find subjects that will help me calm down and feel more safe with her. She has said that if my early experiences with care and comfort was somehow mixed with bad things, it is only natural that my system is on high alert whenever I encounter that again.

What I have come to suspect is that the very effort, from her, to bring up something pleasant, to speak of something she believes might hold value to me, sets off my alarm system. Something to do with her trying to find a weak spot, something to use against me, to manipulate with. And it seems I have no control over these reactions in session - no matter how much I tell myself (outside of session) that she is trying to help me and that I want her help, I seem to be far removed from those thoughts in session.

I have disclosed very little to her. There isn't that much to disclose anyway, as I don't recall anything bad happening to make me so dysfunctional.

I have thought about disclosing a little more; nothing traumatic, just to give her more information on my past. Maybe there is something in it that will make a little sense to her. I have also thought about writing to her about things that have value to me, but I worry that if she brings any of that up in session, when my head seems to be off line and I seem to percieve her as a threat, it will make me even more afraid of her.


I really hope that someone in here can help me figure out how I can start to change my behavior and distorted view of her. To find a way to give her an opening, to let her get close enough to help me. It seems that for every session I react more strongly and I am no longer sure it makes much sense to ask for more sessions. This is my fourth time trying therapy within the last four years. The three previous times the therapist has either referred me on or simply given up, saying I am unable to feel safe in therapy. So far this one has not given up, and she does seem to be able to hold her own and stay calm and grounded in herself even when I curl up whimpering.

Does anyone know of a way forward?

 

[Kubash16]

I’m not totally sure how to help you on this. I know it’s incredibly uncomfortable but personally I would take the worsening reactions as a good sign.

I struggle a bit with fully trusting my T and one thing I’ve noticed is the more trust I hand over the worse I feel for a bit until I realize he’s not dropping the ball yet. I am not fully there yet at all, but therapy seems to make things worse before they get better. So stick it out.

 

[Sandstone]

I can only suggest what would work for me, which is knowledge and control.

I'd need to know in some detail how she was going to work, and why she believed that approach was effective. Then I would need to control how fast things moved on. So if her body based approach involved touch, I wouldn't be happy with her initiating it, but would need to be the one who moved towards her. I say "moved towards" rather than "touched her" because as I typed I realised that the idea of touching my T is appalling to me.

I think it's more likew;y that she would simply want you to be aware of physical sensation, and for that, I might set myslf to report on an unthreatening part of my body - maybe to tell her what my right foot feels like.

I do pick up from your post a surprisingly positive undercurrent. It sounds to me as if she is likely to be good for you.

 

[piratelady]

Trust takes time to build. For me, I started by telling my therapist small things and seeing how he handled it. He handled it really well and with that, I trusted him a little more. Then I repeated until now when he knows all of it and I’m really do trust him. It took time and small steps.

 

[knuckles]

Thank you for your replys. I am really grateful.

I can only suggest what would work for me, which is knowledge and control.

I think this is important to me. In my last email I asked her if she would give me some feedback on what she sees in session and what options she thought might be avaliable. Her feedback did bring me a sense of knowing more about what she is trying to do - and that somehow calms me. I have thought about asking her if she can speak more about what she sees and what she does in session, to help me from feeling completely vulnerable. Maybe, if I can hear her and understand the words and the meaning, it can be beneficial to me.

As for touch I told her from the beginning, that I cannot go there. I flinch when she reaches for her tea cup. I also can't do eye contact. As she doesn't really get any verbal feedback from me in session, she has had to try things out - and do her best to read my reactions. She has tried guiding me to feel my body, but I curled up before the first sentence was completed. She has suggested I move/stand up, but I am way too tense and seem to confuse movements as openings for attack (or something along those lines - way over the top reaction). She has tried just sitting with me in silence, but that tends to lead me to become more agitated. A few times it has helped me to calm down on my own, but mostly it seems to set off my alarms (the wait before punishment falls).

I do pick up from your post a surprisingly positive undercurrent. It sounds to me as if she is likely to be good for you.

I think she is working her ass off, trying to find a way to help me - without causing more damage.

 

[knuckles]

She has tried to get me to speak about things that make me happy, but I haven't been able to do so in session. I get the sense that I am deliberately withholding anything of value out of fear of her using it against me.

It seems so stupid to me, that I ask for her help and then completely turn my back on her, when she tries to do so. Really wish I can find a way to dial down that defensiveness, before she runs out of patience and options.

 

[knuckles]

Oh, forgot. Last session she had brought a little note book. In a previous email I had mentioned how I tried to write down bits and pieces when I got a chance on my way back home - to help me remember what had happened in session, so that I might reflect on in later on. But I was finding it difficult to dial down the "functional version" and tap into the contents of the session. I had mused over whether I could write anything down while in the session, but realized it would be impossible for various reasons.
So last session, she had brought a little note book and offered to make some notes for me, to see if that might help me get back in contact with the session later on. I nodded my acceptance.
But when by the end of the session I was so fearful I could not reach out for the note book even though she gently pushed it across the table so that it was right in front of me.
I have suggested that I leave my back pack just inside the door, if another session is arranged, so that she can put the note book in my back pack for me, without having to get any closer to me. That way we can explore if using the note book can make a positive difference in some way.

And she has offered to forego her usual no-pets-restriction, so that I can bring my dog with me into session. Hoping he can help me stay more present and/or help me calm down when I start to loose myself in the fear-swamp.

I really really want to find a way to do better and make this work.

 

[Teasel]

Can you think of any ways in which you can be a little more in charge of how the sessions ho? Like for eg is there anything you would like to happen in session and could you say that?

 

[knuckles]

Can you think of any ways in which you can be a little more in charge of how the sessions ho? Like for eg is there anything you would like to happen in session and could you say that?

I am not sure I know how to do that at this point. We are still working on finding a reliable way to help me down-regulate. And I have no idea how to approach that.
But I do report back to her, to the best of my ability, via email, to let her know if there is anything from the last session that I think might work better if changed/tweaked so or so.

I have often read about other members who are knowledgeable about various types therapy or modalities, and know to specifically ask for what they believe they need. I don't have that knowledge or confidence; I can show up and sit in the chair, but besides that I rely on my therapist to guide me. It seems to be the best I can do for now.

But I see how setting things up so that I feel like I have some say over what happens, or doesn't happen, in session will be beneficial to me. I think it is something to be on the lookout for. There are probably some smaller ways to introduce this. I guess I could take it up with the therapist; she might have ideas. Thank you @berlinda

 

[Teasel]

Cool @knuckles
I dont think you need yo have awareness of different modalities to do this.

An example, I told my T that talking about something mundane for a couple minutes, like what I've seen on TV recently, or what I had gor lunch - helps calm me down.

I relate to the fairly extreme discomfort & not bring able to talk in T though it sounds particularly hard for you. Its great that you can communicate with her via email too. I find that helps me a lot.
Best x

 

[knuckles]

An example, I told my T that talking about something mundane for a couple minutes, like what I've seen on TV recently, or what I had gor lunch - helps calm me down.

I have been thinking about suggesting something like that. Something less "high value" for me. Thinking it might feel safer for me to engage with her over something trivial or mundane rather then something I might fear having "corrupted".
Will bring this with me. Thanks

 

[Kubash16]

The first few minutes of all my sessions are like this. Just talking about what kind of music I was listening to when I came in (he’s never heard of slipknot-I almost quit therapy right then lol) or just what things have happened recently. He doesn’t ever seem bugged when it’s something super mundane and usually starts a whole segment of the session itself because he may notice something I didn’t.