How to build trust with therapist

[knuckles]

I think that my panic was so intense in the beginning, that the assumption was just that I was panicking beyond what was okay. I do wonder if she used her other senses - like hearing my breath - to help gauge things. In terms of body language, it was pretty clear before she turned away that I was curled up in a little ball in the chair.

I think that now that we can sit facing each other, she relies a lot on visual clues like shaking, breathing, the way that I sit ... it is better now, but we had to get through the first part first.

Thank you for explaining further @theshadowoftheliving. Your therapist sounds really great.

My therapist has honestly told me (I asked), that she has never had a client before who couldn't handle touch and eye contact. She is open about it being a challenge for her; both in terms of skills and her ability to stay centered and calm.
In a book by Babette Rothschild I read about a scenario where the therapist would sit facing away from the client. But, as I remember it, she would then get the client to report back to her on the internal sensations - as a way to guage level of arousal (and also a way to keep the client engaged and grounded). It was helpful to me to know that there were therapists who thought this way - but I didn't think it would be useful for me, if I couldn't report back.
From what you write it sounds like your therapist found a way to make do without having you report on how you were feeling. That gives me hope.
I think I might give my therapist a list of all the suggestions from this thread. Together we might be able to find some new things to try out - or ways to tweak what we are already doing. And maybe she can use some of all this in other situations. At least I think she likes to be able to adapt her approaches to the individual client, so it could be a win-win.

Thank you for sharing this information with me.

 

[RunForever]

I have thought about disclosing a little more;

just be able to engage in therapy.

Reading this I really connected with that fear of opening up and being unable to say the things I need to. I found that writing helps. Maybe try writing things out that you want to talk about, send her a copy and then you read it when you see her. Her having a copy may help you feel like she knows it already so it may not be as hard to speak about it

 

[joeylittle]

I am not sure how to put it to my therapist, but I would like to ask her if she can talk to me about what's going on in session, as it is happening. I don't know exactly what I think I can gain from it - or how to describe it in more detail. But what you wrote about being informed, resonates within that thought. Something to do with tapping into the more logical and rational aspects of me, might be a way to get through that fear-fog. Will have to think more on this.

My therapist asks me "what are you sitting with", after awhile, as a prompt. I've given him positive feedback about it - it helps me sometimes to have the silence broken, and it's a really good prompt for me. I can answer it without feeling the need to make sense of what's going on in my head.

I'd suggest talking with her about wanting to talk, but being unable to, and being willing to try any techniques she might be able to suggest that would help.

I've also been overt with my therapist about wanting him to ask questions. It's something that I noticed he was doing sometimes, when I would get stuck, and it was enormously helpful. This is specifically when it comes to disclosing trauma history. When I was able to notice that it was a helpful thing, I could reflect that back to him, and then it became something that I could ask for in the moment. Sometimes, it feels like I can only go from short thought to short thought - and if it's working almost like an interview, where there are questions I can answer, it helps me through. These are simple prompts like "what happened next" - really basic stuff, but sometimes so helpful.

The end of session and beginning of session can be good times to do process feedback, but it's fine anytime. A big part of the therapists job is to figure out how the sessions can get you where you want to go. It's an interactive puzzle for them. When they hit upon something that's effective for you, and you can tell them so, it's useful to you both.

 

[knuckles]

Reading this I really connected with that fear of opening up and being unable to say the things I need to. I found that writing helps. Maybe try writing things out that you want to talk about, send her a copy and then you read it when you see her. Her having a copy may help you feel like she knows it already so it may not be as hard to speak about it

Luckily this therapist is okay with emails, and has encouraged me to write as she knows speaking in session is not really doable yet. Bringing written material into session is still too risky I think; whether I read it aloud or not. I am so out of touch with my rational mind in session, that handing her anything only spells doom to me - regardless of how she responds. It doesn't seem to get past my defenses. At least that is what has happened previously.
I need to find a way to keep my rational mind on-line, if only just a sliver of it.
I don't have the same issues disclosing stuff to her via email. But I am wary of the risk of making it even more challenging to face her - if I disclose too much too soon.

 

[InsertCoinsHere]

I hugely empathise, it’s a very difficult process.. so much of what you have said in your OP resonated and still to a degree resonates with me.

I had a very tough time trusting my T and even now I can’t say I fully trust her (more like I don’t fully trust that she won’t use the knowledge I’ve offered of myself to hurt me) but yet at the same time I deeply believe she won’t however due to my past I feel perpetually vigilant..

I’m continually going through cycles of distrust (due to therapy work or even things that happen outside of therapy that impact of relationship) grounding myself as I dissociate to my childhood, reassuring myself that she is trust worthy and then consciously maintaining that trust.

It really is a leap of faith to share parts of us that make us feel so vulnerable but it’s so worth it.. the therapeutic alliance is the most healing capacity of treatment imo..

Controlled yet courageous self disclosure is what helps me.. I discern what I am comfortable sharing, what frightens me but is worth sharing and what is overly frightening that is not quite ready to be shared and all this is totally fine because it’s a journey.. it’s a journey of learning to trust another and ourselves again, therapy is a great way to learn trust as it’s in a controlled environment with a certificated trained therapist whereby what is shared is confidential, it’s a safe environment but one that if we accept enables us to face our difficulties and fears.

Give it time, if you dissociate let the therapist know and you can focus on utilising grounding techniques while in the room in order to bring yourself back, and each week courageously make a small leap of faith but one that you know isn’t too great as in my experience if I overshare then I feel vulnerable and likely to not return.

All the best, it’s great to see how brave and committed you are, well done.

 

[Abstract]

Hi

Something to do with her trying to find a weak spot, something to use against me, to manipulate with

This is exactly what I realised was happening for me. Unlike you it took me an age to figure it out so well done. I think you self awareness is really good with this. Sharing, even what it was I am struggling with feels stupid and as if I am handing over ammunition.

It's still scary because overcoming that freeze response and being able to engage in fight or flight takes a lot of reprogramming the brain

This is very true. It is possible. It just takes a lot of rewiring. In the meantime somehow feeling more empowered and the concept of therapy less threatening is helpful if you can find a way to do it.

Last therapy I did I was exactly like this so I sympathise greatly. I started dissociating as a I walked through the door and would either physically freeze, totally dissociate, be physically unable to use my voice, or be unable to get myself to speak.

She was a trauma therapist who did art and sandtray therapy alongside the normal talk side if things. Having something to do with your hands can be very soothing. . There is some science behind it too. The tray and crayons etc would be on a table to the side of me when I came inTaking something in to play with or maybe talking in some crayons and paper may be something to consider. I realise you may not be able to do anything with them as I often couldnt but it made me feel less powerless.

For me being stuck in this mode and unable to access the help I wanted was a very vulnerable and disempowered feeling.

What are her credentials and is she a trauma t?

 

[knuckles]

Thank you for your reply @InsertCoinsHere Your words definitely resonate with me - especially about pacing the disclosure aspect.

Give it time, if you dissociate let the therapist know and you can focus on utilising grounding techniques while in the room in order to bring yourself back, and each week courageously make a small leap of faith but one that you know isn’t too great

This part though, feels like an immovable brick wall to me. I don't know if it's dissociation, but I do struggle a lot with being present in session - and remembering what was said. I have told her this in email, so she knows it's happening. I am not, at this point, able to tell when/how it happens. As for grounding techniques, that is a work in progress - trial and error so to speak. And so far, all errors. We haven't been able to find a way for her to help me calm down/ground in session.
It feels like it's getting harder to have faith/hope.

 

[knuckles]

Sharing, even what it was I am struggling with feels stupid and as if I am handing over ammunition.

So true. I especially struggle with the "stupid" part, as I have no memory of anything bad happening. Maybe some things weren't exactly good, but bottom line is I just don't get it. I don't get why I am so dysfunctional - and that makes me feel darn stupid.

Last therapy I did I was exactly like this so I sympathise greatly. I started dissociating as a I walked through the door and would either physically freeze, totally dissociate, be physically unable to use my voice, or be unable to get myself to speak ... For me being stuck in this mode and unable to access the help I wanted was a very vulnerable and disempowered feeling.

This so resonates with me. I am sorry you have had to struggle with that too. It really hurts. For what is's worth I greatly admire your dedication and ability to work with the various aspects of bettering your life on your own. From what I have read in here you have achieved so much and keep striving.

Taking something in to play with or maybe talking in some crayons and paper may be something to consider. I realise you may not be able to do anything with them as I often couldnt but it made me feel less powerless.

Thank you for this suggestion. Glad to know that it didn't make you feel more helpless/hopeless when you couldn't use the tools provided.

What are her credentials and is she a trauma t?

She is a body psychotherapist (has been for 10 years). She is also a certified SATe/DARe therapist (for the past 4ish years) - as well as a craniosacral therapist. It's the SATe/DARe (Somatic Attachment Training and experience/Dynamic Attachment Repatterning experience) that I believe holds knowledge of trauma therapy. From what I can understand she just hasn't had previous clients with issues/repsonses quite as messed up as mine.
I have worried (and still do) that she is in way over her head. But as I have no idea what is wrong with me - and no ideas as to how to fix it, I didn't know how to be more specific in my search for a therapist. I have told her this, and asked that she be honest about the limits of her skills. She does seem to have a strong sense of self, and though I do sense she is not confident in how to deal with it (at this point), she has not given me any reason to think of her as unprofessional or unethical.

 

[grit]

When you are more functional and feeling safe, come up with a profile or system of what you need when you are scared. Journal or write down or make a list. This gives your functional side some power and observational strength to take care of your weak areas.

Rather than talking about the past or therapy, tell your therapist just that. I do not feel safe here but I know logically I should. and just talk about that....no past no future just that you are not feeling safe in the room and she will start asking you what you will need to feel safe and maybe your functional side will kick in and give the list and if you are lucky this can go on for while until you are naturally relaxed.

 

[Cypress]

The list is a good idea - it will give you something tangible to focus on and control. I think I am going to try that too. When my T and I were discussing my struggles with trust, he asked what I was afraid would happen and I just said I don't know but I think making a list will help.

 

[knuckles]

Rather than talking about the past or therapy, tell your therapist just that...

That was the crux of the situation. There was no talking, no dialogue.

I have let go of all this, trying to find a way forward with therapy. I can't connect with it anyway - not now.
I am putting one foot in front of the other; getting through one day at a time, one task at a time. This I can do. And for now, this is enough.

 

[Cypress]

Absolutely - just getting through the day is enough!