General How To Cope With Him Spending Time With Others And Not Me...

[Deleted member 1860]

@we are fated,
I didn't mean to insinuate that you felt you were more important. My response in that regard was against what another poster said.

@kahlan,
I think you fail to see that at the very basic level this is human interaction (with people he doesn't know very well), and as such it does matter because some days we don't necessarily want to be alone yet we don't want the pressure that comes with any sort of relationship beyond acquaintance. I know this is a foreign concept but again, it doesn't have so much to do with the supporter themselves, rather the stress level that comes with the relationship (no matter who it is).

 

[p-no]

I agree with Solara on this one (see her last post).

if those interactions stopped it wouldn't be really noticeable as its only at the surface level

It would be noticeable to those who these types of interaction/acquaintances mean as much as good friends do to others.

I value "acquaintances" (this includes the baker down the road, the nice lady at the supermarket, etc.) very, very much. They are there when I all I need is a nice "hello, how are you", even if it is "just" "superficial". I do notice if the nice lady is not there.

 

[we are fated]

Solara & P-no, what you're saying is really interesting to me, and actually enlightening. Thanks for sharing with me!

It makes sense that just because he can't spend time with me romantically, it doesn't mean his normal everyday friendships and relationships will be neglected. Not that I would ever wish him to be alone through all of this, but the idea of him spending time with no one, as opposed to everyone BUT me, sometimes feels preferable. I know that's horribly selfish and in reality I'm really glad of his friends being there for him, I just wish it could be me. But it can't be yet & and I'm trying to get my head around it because it feels so unnatural to not be there for him, really forced.

I went out with him this evening with other people from work too, and it was nice and relaxed and unpressurized. I left before he did and didn't hang around him so I'm hoping he sees that we can hang out without any pressure on him. I'll let him be the guide I guess.

Seriously, thank you so much for even replying to my posts, I can't tell you how reassuring & interesting this place is x

 

[kahlan]

I'm not devaluing anything. I was saying what he said to me. I don't and never have asked that he not have friends and acquantances other than me. Perhaps it was poor wording on my part. What was trying to say was its easier for him sometimes to be around people that there isn't as strong a connection.

I'm not failing at anything other than it seems an ability today to express myself in a consise way btw.

Don't worry, I won't bother anyone else today with my egocentric viewpoint.

 

[we are fated]

Kahlan, your point of view wasn't at all egocentric, I knew exactly what you meant by your post - sometimes meaning gets lost in translation over the web, it can be read so many different ways by different people. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, although I'd never wish my anxiety on another, it is comforting to know there are others in the same boat x

 

[we are fated]

Kahlan - silly autocorrect changed your name, sorry!x

 

[Lidia]

Hi, I'd just like to add my two cents here with my own experience of the same issue. My C also finds it much easier to spend time in his work and with his family than with me. I used to get very very upset (I am very insecure, so I thought he just did not care about me). Eventually I asked him to help me understand (during one of those times when he was calmer). He told me that it does not matter if it is others he is with. That he finds it hard with me because he is afraid that I may think less of him.

I used to stress enormously about how to gain his trust...but eventually my stress turned into frustration and he noticed and it separated us even more. I proceeded to end the relationship (so that I would have no expectations and consequently I would not put pressure on him, either directly or indirectly) but made a point to tell him I would always be there for him. I have now gone to the other extreme, where I just leave it up to him to come to me when he feels like it. I am not sure it will work, I am not sure he will ever open up with me fully. Perhaps not. But it is all I can do to protect him from my frustration (as well as protect myself - I am really anxious and this was making me physically very sick) at this point in time. With his ex, he would go on holidays and everywhere. But with me he does not. Yet, he would claim that she was 'more of a friend', whereas he claims to have strong feelings for me...

Can you see any parallels? Anyway, the bottom line is, I fully know what you are going through and it is just horrible, I have been there. I am with you on this one. :hug:

 

[RussH]

I know this; the thing I need the most is the thing I fear the most. How can I put my feelings, to expose myself with others so that they truly know me, when, in the past, people have taken those extentions of trust and trampled them into the ground. It is so difficult to let others in when you have been hurt so bad, and knowing if you are hurt like that again, you might not survive it. Yet it is that intimate, close friendship that we so disparately need. We need close friends. We need people we can share our victories and our defeats with. We need that companionship that we were created for, but at the same time we recognize the capacity of that compaionship to distroy us. So like the person who has been burned by fire we need its warmth but fear it at the same time.

I understand his anxiety. I also understand that he needs others to take him by the hand and lead him to close meaniful friendships. He needs someone to help him overcome his fear. Thank you for trying.