How to feel safe without a saftey net?

[blackemerald1]

Hey @Fadeaway - just catching up on this thread of yours. I am shocked at what you are experiencing.

You're extremely isolated, quite ill physically and mentally and being abused by your husband. Wow.. that's all a lot of troubles for you.

No wonder you are feeling so vulnerable and finding it difficult to reach out.

Let me first remind you that none of this is your shame. This is a very difficult situation but you are not at fault. Regardless of what you did you do not deserve to be threatened, abused, isolated or humiliated. Never, ever!

Did you get through on the hot-line? Failing that is there a DV counselling service in the place you live? A real live physical place you can visit?

Try not to get too wrapped up in the idea that your husband has those close contacts with the Police. Yes he might have influence and be running you down to everyone but hopefully you live in a place where actual evidence is more important than rumours etc.,

I wonder if there is anywhere you can go that will offer you some sanctuary from this kind of violence? Clearly he's not supportive of you and it sounds like it might be quite risky for you to stay in your home. What can you think of?

Can you get some legal advice about what you can do?

You sound so very unwell. Can you go back to your gp and let him know that the vomiting is out of hand?

He really should be able to assist you with something to help settle that down. I can understand stress doing this but it still needs to be looked at. Is it possible you have a stomach ulcer or a weakened pyloric sphincter problems (stenosis?) Idk.. but if this is a frequent problem it needs another look.

I cannot imagine your husband abusing you for not making to the bathroom.. That's so totally wrong, unnecessary and abusive.

You certainly do need some extra support right now. Certainly more than you presently seem to have. More than what new friends or new acquaintances can probably provide too.

Imo I'd be looking at a lot more professional support from a variety of people - medical, mental health, social support, accommodation, financial and legal.

But I think mostly what you need right now is one person who can lead you to this help. It's unlikely that a non-professional person would be capable of doing this. Can you go to your gp or therapist and ask for some direction about who can help co-ordinate the assistance you need?

When we find ourselves in a world of pain, isolated and being abused we may become overwhelmed and fragmented. That's a normal reaction and unfortunately that's also exactly what an abuser wants you to feel. That is how control over you is maintained.

But it's time to take back your power. And... as wretched as you feel right now... make no mistake - you still have power.

You don't have to live in this town or place he's moved you both to.

You don't have to be so stressed you're vomiting.

You don't have to be so emotionally isolated. You can re-locate to a place where you do have friends in close proximity or at least, where you have a better chance of re-linking back into normal societal activities when you're ready.

You still have choices... lots of choices and you can start to chose to not live like this anymore.

I know I can sit here behind a screen and rave on about this. Would it help you to know I have some experience in this area? And that there are a heap of ppl on this site who have also been in the dark place you find yourself right now? Believe it bc it's true and we've made it out of our own hell holes and you can too. But you have to make a start. Where can you start?

It's possible to be much, much happier and healthier even with ongoing mental health problems.

You are not alone. :hug: Write back and ask away... but it's time to work out what you want and get moving to get it before it's more than a broom handle that comes through the door.

 

[grit]

In my opinion there are two safety (at minimum). One internally and one externally.
the internal safety is more or less related to trauma or past experience or childhood environment and the most I can give advice is to find (alone or with therapist) a part of you that is most functional to take care of the part that is hurting. I use parts because the internal safety mechanism is inside of us. So hope that helps.

the external safety is more direct. If you are planning on staying in this relationship, then I strongly recommend again utilizing your most functional side, to find the right therapist and group therapy for human support. Even if you are abusive (by your husband's words) you need a therapist to help with you and who is on your side...so in short your husband going behind your back should have no impact on the relationship between you and your therapist and if it does again, now it is no longer safety issue in your life but danger and only you determine what to do after that.

Of course being in therapy and group therapy will trigger a lot of shame of being in this relationship but that is the painful road of healing in life.

Hope you find a way to see yourself and safe yourself.

 

[Teasel]

I'm sorry you're going through all of this but glad you were able to talk about it. How are you today? :hug:

 

[Friday]

I’m not sure it’s wise to feel safe when you’re working without a net.

So, perhaps then, looked at another way...

I feel a desperate need for a sense of security. Something familiar something reliable. Something external to count on.

What do these things provide you?

I know it may seem like an asinine question (ummm... security provides security?) but if you can break it down into smaller pieces, one can often either find the individual components in other places, or begin to construct that selfsame security (et al.) that they’re looking for, or both.

To be honest I didn't want to leave because even though there is nothing between us anymore he was all I had. I didn't want people questioning why I hadn't left, and I have been through so much latley that trying to sort out what ownership I have and pinpointing and articulating exactly what he is doing is hard.

You and your husband have a complicated history. You’ve assaulted him (yes, in panic attacks or nightmares, but still severely enough to cause him serious injury, and he is right... that’s abuse, full stop. Being out of control isn’t justification for losing control.), he’s left you in both medical crisis and psychosis where even a stranger would call 911 for an ambo, crippled you financially when you had money / not allowing access for even food nor bringing food home whilst he’s eating at work, and then there are the escalating crises where you’re both inflicting damage on the other... all before the joint traumas, joint major stressors, joint grief, joint successes & failures.

The two of you have put each other through hell.
The two of you have been through hell and back together.
The two of you have fought hard to help each other.
The two of you have sabotaged the f*ck out of the other.
The two of you have trauma-bonded to each other 6 ways from Sunday.

It’s okay that it’s complicated.
It’s not okay that it’s toxic.

It’s okay to seperate yourself Fadarlin’. To step away from trying to fix everything from inside the marriage, with its long and complicated history, and to take care of yourself. It may, TBH, be the only way. I’m not even talking about divorce, right now. Just stepping away. Separating officially or unofficially, going somewhere outside of the marriage, and this town of his, to get a life building for yourself before even contemplating what direction you want to move forward in. With or without him. You don’t have to leave him to leave. And after this last year? You’ve done the shelter thing, you know you can do it. You can build support. You can build a life that you can take with you, (new beginnings, or back to him, on your own two feet / clear headed / not stuck) instead of being dependent on him and havin that just complicate things even more. It’s okay to build a life for yourself. It’s okay to save other decisions for later. That’s what separation is all about. Getting a firm footing. Getting some distance. Getting some perspective. Getting healthy.

He’s starting over in this town. This is where he wants to be. And he’s doing what he wants to do, and is best for him... and you’re just an afterthought. At best. Which is heartbreaking, I know. But things are so damaged right now, that I really don’t think anything has a snowflakes chance of coming right whilst both your lives are about rebuilding his life. It’s okay for you to start over elsewhere. To do what’s best for you. If you ever have any doubt of that? He’s. Already. Done. That. You can do it, too. Without the toxic seeping into your everything, without history complicating shit, without the stress and pressure of dealing with a broken relationship day in and day out.

It will be hard.
You can do it.

My 2.02

 

[Fadeaway]

I get what you are saying, but I can't even be sure if he was lying or telling the truth about my lashing out in my sleep. I have never knowingly assaulted him and he talked about in terms of "growing claws and fangs in my sleep" So I don't want to come across as defending my self but I certainly feel the need to with out discounting the fact that I acknowledge it was being serious and not yanking my chain which I am more inclined to believe (my daughter pointed out a lot of stuff before she left because of him) I don't know. But I know I have never down anything out of maliciousness. He was hell set on causing me physical pain tonight. My chest is still sore from the repeated stabbings with his finger.

I need a plan out but can't figure out how to access the help.

 

[Fadeaway]

That should say I don't know if serious. I was shaking so hard from fear when I posted this. I don't know if he was serious or not. It is easy to believe due to my fear of being touched in my sleep and the fact that I do wake up in a state of terror as a result. I just don't know anymore know that he is bragging how he has lied and manipulated me and others. He told stories in the past of how he has manipulated people that should have been redflags, but they were about how he controlled a difficult situation. It came across as someone thinking on their feet, but those same tactics are being used to control me now.

He flat out told me how horrible my therapist was and encouraged me to file against her, all the while knowing he met with her privately and is proud of himself for turning her against me.

Yes we had issues in the past but it seem like things have gone on a 1-10scale of toxic from 4 to an 9 quite rapidly.

If you could point out a time where I seriously injured him verses his word I would appreciate it because I don't recall a time but I can't say it didn't happen either.

I am not perfect, I have made a crap ton of mistakes but there a lines...

I just have to get out, and don't know where to begin. It is more complicated than just going to a shelter. Its an option but certisn steps need to be taken too.

On the issues of safety I will respond when I am not panic posting. I know its not the same as hitting but I actually have bruises where he repeaditly poked his finger into my chest

 

[blackemerald1]

I think you should begin with getting a bag together and throwing into it all your important doc's or if you don't want him to twig that you are doing this, get certified copies instead. And anything else that you may need. Meds., phone numbers, spare phone charger - as if you were packing for a long trip and a bunch of burglars where gonna visit your home whilst you are away. In other words this is your last chance to get them or make copies of them maybe forever.

Can you take a pic of your bruises or go and see your gp and ask him to take a look and document them?

Do you have your own lawyer?

Next is working out where you are going to go and how much that might cost. Start to make enquiries and see what is really achievable.

Do you have a separate bank account? Can you get that up and running?

Do you have your own car? Does it need servicing? Get that done.

But! None of this applies if he's still hurting you or you believe you are in danger from him. If that's the case call the Police and or get out. Nothing is worth staying if you are going to be harmed.

 

[Friday]

If you could point out a time where I seriously injured him verses his word I would appreciate it because I don't recall a time but I can't say it didn't happen either.

Sweetie, that wasn’t my point. My point was that you two have a complicated traumatic history together. It doesn’t have to be about him & getting away from him. It can be about you, and building your life, instead.

Mostly? I’ve known you here a few years now... & You’ve been in this place before (because you’re a fighter, you don’t cut & run the first time things get hard; but you’re also not stupid, and you’re not going to treat every time, like it’s the first time // there’s serious history prompting this crossroads, it’s not just the things happening today but the building of them happening for years in different ways, and to different degrees)... but as soon as it becomes all about him (you need to leave him, he’s abusive, etc.) there’s this space, where you blame yourself & he’s actually fine you were “just” hormonal, psychotic, starving, sick, really sick, triggered, coming off meds, responding badly to meds, anniversary season, etc. and everything isn’t great now, but you’re managing, and it’s much better. And then more trauma, more stressors, more everything complicated until it’s too much...

Trauma Bonding.

It’s complicated shit.

I was just attempting -badly it seems- to present the option that you can take care of you for you. For no other reason than you need to & want to. He could be the best man in the world (he’s not) and you could have the best marriage in the world (you don’t) and it would still be okay for you to leave to build your own life. (And if he were the best man in the world, and you two had the best relationship in the world, he would be encouraging and helping you to do just that. Working with you to help you do that, and keep the marriage strong, and a 1,000 other things that just aren’t how he operates. No joint decisions, no partnership, him just doing what he does, which is what he wants, when he wants, how he wants, and you’re left to uproot -again- and dangle around waiting on him, and trying to string along on crumbs and uncertainty. At best. And at worst? It gets dark fast.) it doesn’t have to be cookie cutter, you don’t need to explain what he’s doing, or why it’s not working, or why you haven’t left before, or get lost in any of the details of the past creating this present, and forget the future... that’s stuff to work out later. Now?

I’d say now, go back to your very original question about security. Building your own life? Moving forward? Would be one of the ways to achieve that.

 

[SuZQ154]

I have no support right now, and can't even put into words what I am feeling, just that its like reaching out and not being able to grab on to anything. I feel a desperate need for a sense of security. Something familiar something reliable. Something external to count on.

I am also terrified that if I find it, it is going to be ripped out from under me so I can't risk getting accustomed to or attached to anything.

I have been broken by too much loss and couldnt catch my breath before the next loss hit.

So sorry you are feeling like this. Can you tell us more? When we start to honestly look at our feelings and share them, sometimes it helps us cope better. What do you feel would give you a sense of security? I understand why you might be terrified that the sense of security would be stripped away. For me, I am learning to "choose" joy in my circumstances, rather than the negatives of my circumstances. It is a slow process... choosing to change my thoughts to be positive. "Lord, I Just Want to Be Happy" is a book which has been helping me. You might want to check it out. Lord, I Just Want to Be Happy Hope this helps and there is hope!

 

[scout86]

You mentioned your daughter. Where is she? Maybe this is a good time to go for a visit? You don't HAVE to leave for good, but I think it would be good to get some space between you and situation so you can sort things out. It doesn't have to be a big, dramatic exit. Just "Penelope needs help painting the kitchen & she's invited me to come for a week and help." Whatever works. It's easier to assess things when it doesn't feel like an immediate threat.

 

[Fadeaway]

Just woke up from a nightmare so just responding to the daughter part. She is a minor with complicated history and runs away no matter where she ends up. I never hot a chance to raise her because her dad kidnapped her. Sjr found me but...

 

[Fadeaway]

Still trying to work up to posting in more detail, its mentally exhausting. The more I work on formulating a plan the more guilty I feel, because I don't think he will take it well. Actually afraid it might break him because he depends on me for so much too. It goes both ways but con dependence isn't healthy and we grew beyond a healthy balance. Arggg! This back and forth thing my mind is doing is driving me nuts know matter how normal it is.