How to feel safe

[Catlovers141]

I've always struggled a lot with feeling safe, and with the uncertainty that comes with living. It is hard to live with the fact that no matter what you do, you can't 100% guarantee your own safety or that the trauma will not happen again. This has led me to add more and more locks and security devices around my home, and it never feels like enough. I've come to realize that no matter what I do to the house, there is always going to be that uncertainty and therefore the discomfort that comes with it. How do you deal with that? How do you manage knowing that you can't protect yourself totally and that your original trauma could occur in the future?

 

[VioletButterfly]

I never feel safe, I just deal with it better some days than others. I never feel safe at night in my apartments - none of them. I always think someone will break in and harm me. I had an awful dream about being robbed and kidnapped last night. It was so real, so detailed. I shook myself awake and just laid there trying to calm down. Then, I started thinking about why this is an issue for me. I remembered running from stepfathers who either slammed be between the door and the wall or who I had to keep out of my room by sliding a bookcase between the door and the wall, or there was the one who did break down my door when I was in high school. Then, there was the partner who regularly chased me and terrorized me, taking down doors, slamming me into walls, etc... Then, there was the apartment complex that entered my apartment without my permission. Hmmm, violating boundaries right and left since I was 8 yrs old. I think there is a valid reason(s) for why I react and respond as I do?! It is good to know, but it is also good to know that those actions took place in the past and that I can have a different now and future. They are not happening right now (for me) and I need to live in "now." So, practice, practice, practice and, hopefully, I'll see some progress at some point. We can't control what others in the world do, we can only determine what we do or don't do. We can take precautions, listen to instincts, pray, and trust in our ability to manage our lives despite what others throw at us. We can also not let what others have done determine how we live our lives. (I am wayyyy in the process of working on this BTW). Try to stay in the moment and take it one day at a time, one step at a time.

 

[Catlovers141]

Thank you for your response. I think that is sometimes the difficulty -- it is helpful to know where it comes from (I also feel like I know where mine comes from), but the uncertainty and inability to have complete control over your own safety has been something I haven't really found a solution for.

 

[Friday]

How adept are you at choosing other emotions to feel?

Does it usually work for you to pick what you fear about it, to evoke that emotion? Like, in order to feel happiness, you focus on the the things that make you sad, or angry, and other threats to happiness in order to feel happy?

For myself, it doesn’t work that way. If my focus is on keeping sadness & potential causes of sadness away, what I’m going to be feeling are the emotions surrounding what I’m doing; sadness itself, my fear of sadness, my anger at both sadness and my fear of it, etc. But people think/feel differently.

 

[Catlovers141]

I don't think I've ever heard of that technique before! I wonder how that works?

 

[pam4him]

I've been there and it took some time to figure out. It helped to know I locked the door, checked the windows, set the alarm, etc. I then had to tell myself I've done what I can and I can't control what others do. I can only control what I do. I happen to be Christian, so I would ask God to protect our home. At first it took time to let go and go to sleep. Gradually it took less time. It's a mind game I played with myself but now I worry less. I'm concerned and still go through the motions, but it is possible to lessen the anxiety and stress. Hang in there, and do what it takes for you to find that comfort level of safety. Prayers for peace and wisdom.

 

[grit]

@Catlovers141

first and foremost I am really feeling your uncertainty and unsettling about your trauma re-appearing in the future. That sounds quite a burden so I am holding you.

In my experience and someone who really did not even understand safety until I got into therapy, I think safety is not a feeling but a way of being. You can be safe internally and afraid or safe internally and happy. It is a real self organization of sort like how do you feel being whatever gender one is...you just know. So safety is something that most of us learned long time ago and it is very hard thing to recover but the fact you are narrowing it down to specific actions you are taking, seems to me, you are getting very close to arriving it.

Have you ever felt you recovered one area from your trauma during therapy? Safety is recovered similar way,at least from my experience.

What you are doing is creating safe space by making sure no intruder comes. But what you are feeling is unsafe inside of you from experience of the past. What worked for me was therapy, experiencing truly a mini breakdown and the therapist and my group members holding me and me coming back and truly feeling structural changes. It took a while after to own it but the experience was deeply profound.
If you have one person, could be your therapist, that you feel safe, I hope you can think of them to be with you and see if that lessens some of the anxiety or the fear.

Safety is the first thing we learn as children so it is really crucial way of being in the world so I hope my comment adds value to your post. If not, please disregard and wishing you safe space and mind.

 

[Friday]

I don't think I've ever heard of that technique before! I wonder how that works?

Which technique?

 

[TruthSeeker]

I've always struggled a lot with feeling safe, and with the uncertainty that comes with living. It is hard to live with the fact that no matter what you do, you can't 100% guarantee your own safety or that the trauma will not happen again. This has led me to add more and more locks and security devices around my home, and it never feels like enough. I've come to realize that no matter what I do to the house, there is always going to be that uncertainty and therefore the discomfort that comes with it. How do you deal with that? How do you manage knowing that you can't protect yourself totally and that your original trauma could occur in the future?

My concern about safety improved when I realized, and repeated daily, that I could get run over by a bus, get shot, get some disasterous disease, which would take away my independence at a minimum, and my life in the maximum. So I better buck up, live today because if I don't, I will live with loads of regrets. I used verbal rehearsal, I talked to my inside parts that were sending me those unsafe protective messages, and made deals/bargains with insiders to quell the unnecessary fear. It has taken work to make myself go to art classes, play music in public, go out with people, and go places alone...and not be paranoid about something awful happening to me to get hurt ...or some terrible thing lurking....waiting.........I think when I made good regularly scheduled effort to combat the paranoid thinking, and started finding fun things to look forward to doing in life both inside and outside my home....it got easier....and more practice led to less of that dread, anxious feeling.....and now I'm so much less "on red alert."

I also found ways to distract those "unsafe and burdensome" thoughts to stop the looping which was paralyzing at times.........I'd watch TV shows I can mentally climb into for a momentary vacation from my head messages...Like TV favorites, musicals, old favorite songs to sing to, dancing to the Beach Boys and in my living room (turn that music up), certain card games I'm really good at on my phone-I'm very competitive with myself (it used to be Scrabble-now it's cards)-and some kinds of creative artwork can be helpful. Maybe you play a musical instrument? Practice a song you've been dying to play....something motivating. If you have something that calls to you.....that totally takes you away from those thoughts and that is calming, do it . Oh, and if the sleep urge hits.....sleep I found was a bad option...I'd wake up still looping on the fear.

I love Startrek, musicals, spades or other card games that last 15-20 min., hings that require complete focus...and are enjoyable...Getting in my car and doing photography....or taking a short trip overnight....also usually stops it-because I just love to travel and see new things. So, diversions to help stop/break the "unsafe looping" and giving that protective part other specific jobs to keep me safe (reminder to lock the doors, lock the car, seat belt reminder, etc.) daily-safety stuff to be remembered) has been super helpful. To "switch gears" I had to be grounded and aware of the feelings and messages in my head.....and then quickly act on them with some kind of diversion or sometimes a self- bribe....and not let the "fear cycle" keep control of me. I also do self-positive reinforcement..and say aloud, "Good Job" ..when something feels hard and I did it.......(prob. comes from saying it to kids in the class, but it helps) .Good luck!

 

[Catlovers141]

Which technique?

The one that Friday mentioned above.

 

[Friday]

The one that Friday mentioned above.

Yep! That was me. Hence the Q.

- Choosing your emotions? (General topic)
- Doing things which evoke that emotion? (One way)
- Doing the opposite to evoke that emotion? (A different way, not one that works for me, and it doesn’t sound like it works for you; which is why I asked if it usually works for you)

Which process were you wondering how it worked?

 

[Mach123]

Feeling as safe as I do is the culmination of a lifetime of moving towards pleasure and away from.pain, or struggling to. Pain meaning not being able to.control everything. But in the passage of.time I see I had little to.do.with what actually happened, and spent way too much time on what might happen and usually didn't.