Relationship How To Know When To Walk Away...

[lillady]

Well, at least I know I'm not alone! I've been dating a combat ptsd sufferer for the past 7 months...at first, everything seemed so perfect, he was everything I could've hoped for in a potential partner. Then, 3 months ago, as we were getting closer, he started pulling away...then the distance and avoidance started.

Just when I think things are improving, he goes back into his 'I'm not ready for this' mode. I really care about him, he is such an amazing individual. Now, I've started to notice that he has anger issues as well.

I also suffer from ptsd due to childhood sexual abuse and have been in therapy for several years. Although he is in therapy, I'm not sure if he has his symptoms under control and there are times when his 'episodes' trigger mine....recently he said he wasn't ready for this and wanted to remain friends....at times I want to stay, but now I'm thinking it may be time to walk.

How do you know when its time? I recently met someone else that asked me out...but am torn as to what I want...I really care about him, but need to take care of myself too....I'm so torn!

 

[ProudWife99]

Welcome, lillady. I'm glad you've found this place as it has surely helped me. I will be able to more thoroughly read your post tomorrow (I'm so sleepy!) but I did want to suggest that you read the stickies in the supporters area, just by the title of this thread.

Take care of yourself!

 

[Trembling]

lillady, I guess if you want to go, you will, never stay because you feel you have to - if you do not believe in you and him, it will just take your strength. But as PW mentioned, it is so good to read through as many threads as possible, it helps.
I wish you good luck!

 

[lillady]

I guess that's part of the problem...I believe in us, but he doesn't seem to. I want him to do what's best for himself. If he says he isn't ready for this, even though I am....should I just let him have what he's asking for? I know he cares...its obvious, but he needs / wants his space. I can't make someone stay if they don't want to...

 

[Trembling]

You are right, you cannot make that - but as you said, you can see he needs the space, it is not up to me to tell you what to do, especially as I am not in the perfect position myself. But maybe you can try to give him his space, suggest it to him, but still let him know that you are there and really care. You probably need sometime for yourself too, to find what you really want and feel....

One thing you mentioned - you were asked out and are torn - didn't this make you think?

I am straight forward here, as I know all the talking around does not help, or to talk the situation into something it is not.
I do not want to offend you, I am just honest.

 

[SeekingSerenity]

Hey lillady,

Welcome to the forum. Like Trembling said above, when another asked you out, you were torn.

Caring for a sufferer, putting up with what it will demand takes total and complete dedication, and absolute unconditional love. If you are not completely sure about those feelings for your sufferer, then think about walking away now, before you too get sucked back into your own pain again.

Only you will know what your heart is honestly saying....

 

[lillady]

I was / am torn....one of my symptoms of ptsd is that I can be very indecisive...especially if I feel that I could be hurt...maybe I am looking for an excuse to walk away? Just the thought that someone else has that much control over my emotions terrifies me!

 

[JohnJohn]

Lillady,

Hang in there, all of this is tough. My wife is undiagnosed, but going to therapy for previous domestic violence from a past marriage. She pushed away to the point of moving out. The therapists told me she has to empower herself and heal to move forward. No matter what sufferers have, I feel they all share feelings of hopelessness and loss of control.

Though they tell me this is best for her, I constantly find myself asking me is it best for me. It is a constant struggle, with good and bad days. I believe all we can do is find a balance that is best for us, without seriously hurting ourselves. We can not support anyone if we can not support ourselves after all.

Do the best you can, fight for what you want and always know that you have a right to be happy and live too. We always hope our loved ones pull through, but always know that we have to be strong enough to support them and go on without them too if it starts to compromise too much of or right to live also.

Good luck and know that your not alone in the struggle to live and love.

 

[sisu]

Hi Lillady,
As everyone has said upthread, no one can tell you what to do. My best advice is to follow your gut. Your heart loves him and will do anything to make it work. Your mind will bargain and think - if I do this, he may think that, etc. But your gut doesn't lie. :)

Take care!
Sisu

 

[ProudWife99]

Lillady - Wow! In one nights sleep you received some great advice from some brilliantly strong people!

I understand what you're saying, how a symptom of your PTSD is being indecisive. As my husband and I both struggle, we are torn between whether we are GOOD or BAD for one another. We even discussed this last night. He told me that the best thing we could do for each other was be a better us. I have triggers...so does he...but we do our utmost to avoid using them against one another.

I guess what I'm saying, is that if you're looking for someone to tell you it is possible, it is. We fight it every day. Hell, we even have a few good days here and there. ;)

If you feel drawn towards another, however, you could be doing more damage than good to the man you love. He needs to trust you unconditionally if you are going to be his "support" system through this. Having conversations with another man regarding being together does not invite trusting feelings. Be careful.

 

[lillady]

It wasn't a conversation about being together....he just asked me out to dinner...I told him that I was in a complicated situation. My sufferer is the one who told me he wasn't ready and wanted to be friends. As much as I love him....what am I supposed to do? Wait for him to come to his senses or move on and try to find someone else? He knows how I feel about him, but he doesn't seem to care.

 

[ProudWife99]

I know it seems like it doesn't care, but maybe he just isn't capable of caring at this point. It is so frustrating, this part of it all because we can't be completely sure. When my husband decided he wanted to end our relationship he went so far as to tell me he didn't love me anymore. Later, we learned that he just couldn't feel anything as his brain could not handle anything other than what he was trying to avoid dealing with.

You're in a tough spot and I wish I had answers for you. He may care again soon or he may not. The hopeful in me believes he will, but only you can know and believe that. Whichever you choose will be the right decision for you. Sometimes, as supporters, that is the only decision we are left with...what is best for us. If the one we love isn't doing what is best for them we can't force them to.

Don't forget to love yourself, too!