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SRE7267 I feel very connected to that quote right now as well. Just like you, I am struggling to balance being there for my man and taking care of him versus me taking care of myself. I try to think of things in terms of, if he didn't have PTSD, would I be okay with what he is doing/how he is treating me? More and more, it seems the answer is no. I commend you for your braveness for realizing the situation you were in isn't healthy and getting out. It sucks and it's really hard, but I am proud of you for making the choice that, despite all of the things your heart is screaming at you for, you know is right. Perhaps you leaving will not break him, as you fear, but maybe make him stronger -- enough that he takes care of himself and starts to heal, to a point that maybe you can be involved with him again. Or maybe it's enough for him to get the help he needs and not necessarily to get back with you, but just to be a better human being. Time will tell, but either way, the decision you made it very admirable to me.
I find myself flitting back and forth between the decision to leave and staying every single day, more so lately. This past week was especially trying on me, and it seems like when things are bad, my thoughts immediately run to 'why are you putting up with this??' It's really making me question if it's just the typical response when things go wrong, to question your place in the situation, or if maybe it's a piece of me trying to remind myself that this is not a good situation to be in, and I need to get out of it. I don't know. We had a huge argument last week, about him treating me like crap, how I don't deserve it, how I wouldn't put up with it if he didn't have PTSD. He agreed and apologized and we really talked things out, to the point where I thought we were making headway and had left most of the crap behind us. He was happy and truly nice, caring, like his old self. It only lasted for 4 days before his mean side started creeping up again, when I would wake up and say good morning and maybe something else to him, he would be snappy, and when I asked what was wrong, it was "I'm trying not to be mean to you for all the things you do," even though I had literally just woken up and said maybe 3-4 sentences to him.
He is still going to therapy, but unfortunately both doctors had to cancel this week, so he hasn't gone for about a week and a half now. Even then, he goes and when he comes back, he's cranky and rude for the rest of the day, blaming it on therapy. When we try to talk things through, most of the time I feel that, instead of using the tools the therapists give him to help have a productive conversation, he hides behind them and uses them as an excuse for not answering/talking. I'll say something and instead of talking about what I say or responding to it, he will say "you said that in a negative way that sounds like you're attacking me, and I don't do well with that." Which I understand and makes sense. So I'll re-word it or say it differently, and then it's "your tone is very aggressive so I don't want to respond to that." And on and on it goes, him deflecting things because they aren't presented in exactly the right way, and no talking gets done about anything. It's very frustrating and annoying especially to me because not everyone is going to sit there and say something to you in the exact way that doesn't offend you.. but guess what? That's life! You still need to push through it and set your automatic responses aside, look past the tone or whatnot, and get to the root of what they're saying and talk about it. Grr. Anyway.
I can't tell if he is simply trying to establish (more like see how far he can push) the boundaries of our relationship, or what. Last time he had a TBI/PTSD episode, I came home to find his Army knife stuck in the floor of our rental house. I took it away and hid it, and since then he has complained about how he just needs to know where it is, how much he wants a gun, etc. I told him many many times that I do not feel comfortable with him having a weapon right now, and every time he has said he sees where I'm coming from, he agrees, and he won't get one until I feel comfortable. Today, he came home with a $400 bow he bought. In addition to the problem of me not wanting him to have weapons right now, this is the first time we have gotten paid more than $300 every two weeks since July (he has been out of work since then for his PTSD, and just finally got his temporary Army orders two weeks ago), and we have a ton of bills to pay, including $9,000 we had to borrow from my parents in that time, and he's wasting that money on a bow. I've asked him not to let the dog off the leash around our house because we live on a very busy through-street and the dog is Jack Russell with strong hunting instincts. He says he knows, he agrees, he won't do it... and then two days later, I find out he takes him to the park, my parent's house, fishing NEXT TO A HIGHWAY, etc. and lets him off the leash all the time. He asks me what to eat for his diet, I tell him, he turns and eats the complete opposite. It goes on and on.
I feel like my opinions/values/concerns aren't being taken into proper consideration given that we are in a relationship. I can't tell if it's the PTSD, reckless, self-destructing behavior, if he's testing his boundaries, if he just doesn't care or what. But I am really struggling with the choice to leave or stay. I feel like I'm being oppressed (sorry for how dramatic that sounds) and my fun, shiny personality is being beaten down. I can't keep living like this, where we have to have a big, sit-down, all-out argument every two weeks to talk things through and work things out... only for it to last for a few days and then go back to the way things were, with my tolerance for it getting lower and lower. But still, I stay. I wish I was as brave as you, or had the balls to just stop all of this, but I don't right now. I'm not to that absolute point yet, I guess. Or maybe I'm just wishing and wishing things will get better and I don't have to make that choice. Who knows.
