How to Not Mess With a Kid's Childhood

[TTC18]

To those who are trying to allow their inner child to have the childhood they didn't get... If your parents were fragile, or absent, or had mental health issues, or alcoholics, or whatever, so you felt like you had to be an adult even when you were a little kid:

Can you put your finger on some specific things your parents could have done differently to avoid this?

I'm a single mom and STRUGGLE with fear that I'm messing my child up. When I cry she wants to help me feel better. When I am too tired to do fun things, she accepts it without complaint and plays something else instead. OH the crushing guilt. So I tell her that my sadness isn't her responsibility - and that I appreciate her comfort and she's very kind, but it's not her job to make me feel better. And I don't know how to make that stick so I just do everything I can to not cry in front of her. I try to do all the fun things before I'm too tired - and apologize when I am too tired. I just feel like a horrible weak excuse for a parent right now. What I'm dealing with is the result of generation upon generation of crap rolling downhill. Parents had abusive situations, their parents had abusive situations, and so on and so forth, who knows how far back on both sides. Abuse and neglect - it's a mess. I don't want my kiddo to be a casualty of this horrible family history. But I don't know what I might be doing that's horrible because I don't know what a normal child/parent relationship looks like. I worry that I'm telling her too much, or too little. I worry that I'm too reserved, or that I'm showing too much emotion. I worry that there's not enough (or too much) structure. And I worry that I worry too much. So I'm reaching out to those of you who know your inner child well. Please give me hindsight guidance - what could I do or avoid doing that will help reduce the risk that my little one will someday be on a board like this, missing her lost childhood?
Thank you

 

[shimmerz]

I used to have a family who lived across the street from me when I was a child. They took their kids to hockey games, went camping, had a dog, sang songs in the livingroom, made a skating rink for the wintertime. Like, it was obvious that the kids were being heavily invested in - in a very positive way.

They were my role models for being a parent. I loved the way I felt being around them. That's what I wanted for my kids.

I guess some self reflection as to whether there were things that helped you feel good as a child. Swimming? Library? Sharing kitchen table space and just chatting? Going for walks. Doing a project together. Raking leaves and then jumping in them.

Mostly though it sounds like it is going to be very important for you to give yourself permission to trust that you love your child and that your history doesn't dictate your reality. Try to find a role model or even your own image of how you wanted your parents to be and be that. But don't forget to continue to watch your daughter for cues because each of us are different and she, like the rest of us, probably just wants the opportunity to be honoured for just being her.

 

[somerandomguy]

I had to accept that "good enough" has to be enough for my kid.

Mostly I just really lack the energy to do anything fun or exciting with him. Sometimes a walk down the street, a catch in the yard, or watching him play video games is the full extent of things I can do with him. And some days I'm really short or grumpy with him.

I know it's not ideal, but I understand it's pretty much all I can do some days. I am doing my best. If "good enough" is my best, that will have to do. (I am trying to fix the grumpiness, though.)

I'm a perfectionist so not being able to give my kid the Best! Childhood! Ever! makes me feel guilty. But then I remember I'm STILL probably doing more than my parents ever did with me, which makes be feel better.

 

[scout86]

I hate to say anything because I don't have kids and am pretty I'd be a terrible patent. But...

It's about the kid, isn't it? To listen to how SHE is feeling? Let her know that SHE matters and you care about her? Kids grow up in all kinds of circumstances and come through fine. I think what matters most is that they believe they are part of a family, of some sort, and that they have value.

 

[Chris-duck]

I think that if this is something you even think about you're probably doing okay. I think it's totally normal to stress about though. Not being able to hang out with your kid 24/7 is fine, it doesn't sound like it's negatively affecting her and I think being able to find ways to keep herself amused is gonna come in handy later in life.

You're human, kids are exhausting and stressful sometimes. It really sounds to me like you're doing okay and she'll turn out fine.

 

[Teamwork]

I raised two children. But as I raised them, I grew with them. I knew the areas I was horrible at, such as play. I hated to play. It always made me feel either angry or confused as I didn’t seem to know how to naturally settle down and play. The other thing I did was learn all I could about child rearing and developmental milestones so I could actively engage them and help them reach them. I thought a lot about traditions and what they meant to me and cultivated those habits. In the end I did well because I allowed myself to grow with them. In the areas where I struggled and it became unmanageable or not in their best interest to keep trying when it came off as I was angry, I enlisted the help of others. My girls can do hair, makeup and present well because a community or village as the saying goes came alongside me and helped raise them.

 

[Chris-duck]

You part of the parenting with ptsd group here? I think most of that is "hi. How do i not screw up my kid?" So it's worth thinking about

 

[TTC18]

Thanks, everyone. We do talk a lot - we even had a conversation the other day with me saying - hey, I realized recently that this is something I'm doing, and I don't think it's a healthy thing to do (overcompensating for my parents rigid control of me by kind of letting her do whatever she wants as long as she's not pushy about it. If she gets pushy about wanting xy or z it turns on my 'oh no I'm spoiling her!' worry so I say something at that point.) and we're going to do things differently when it comes to this sort of thing, and here's what that's going to look like, and I know it's not as fun, but I'm wanting to do the right thing here. She was super cool about it, and asked lots of questions, and we had a good talk. I even have us in counseling together. I'm just so freaked about messing this up. It's the rest of her life at stake. So Much Responsibility!!
The worst thing I do is avoid socializing. I force myself to take her to visit friends a few times a month, and have her in a social group that meets once a week, but it's so agonizing for me that I can barely breathe by the time I'm home. And this is with people who are *NICE* ... I know she needs more time to play with other kids in a non-school situation- but it's so hard for me right now.

 

[TTC18]

You part of the parenting with ptsd group here? I think most of that is "hi. How do i not screw up my kid?" So it's worth thinking about

Oh, did they start that group? I'm the one who had the thread asking if we could have it, but never realized it was opened. LOL

 

[grit]

I think the best gift any parent can give to their children is they take care their own mental health needs. At the end of the day, IMHO, children got screwed by what is in your subconscious and that you are not aware of (provided you are not also abusing them).
so telling your issues and sharing your struggles is actually a burden to a child not helping at all. they end up becoming compulsive care takers and people pleasers and we all know where those end up in as adults.

I can share two sisters of mine who refused to deal with their trauma:
Both happily married (if happily means length- because if you ask them they will say hmm marriage is hard and would not do it again)
both have two kids
first one has a lot of education and makes great living but carries all the shame in the family - guess what happens to her oldest child - at 17 he started drinking and drugs and it is struggle for her because she would say I lead the best life - but only outside. You cannot say one thing from our childhood cause you will break her armor. I forgot the second child, my sister picks on her body even though this kid is super model look. my sister always seems to say but she looks like me so not good. must eat this or that...argh!
the second sister - no education but a hard worker who has never been um-employed in her life. She is talented in terms of art (though she hides it). You cannot tell her anything is going in the world because she cannot handle any bad news in the news. and you must only share good and positive stories because she does not want to hear it. Hey sis children are dying in the world. No they are not just people are imagining or do not know how to deal with that. That is a nutshell of talking to her. Also she never has not had a single friend since she got married over 27 yrs ago.
guess what her children do. The first born sits in the basement of her house playing games. no job no friends. Just living off parents and you cannot say one real truth of the world. he wont hear it. he is too depressed.
the second child is not a cutter but she does a lot of body piercing and tattooing (not offense if you are doing it reasonably) but she gets her body hang from a tree or a ceiling in piercing...sorry but to me that seems like I do not feel pain unless I see blood even then not enough.

So in my family (and that is only two can share for now). One suppress shame and her child shows it. The other suppresses emotions and her children are demonstrating for her.

So IMHO, the best you can do for your children is the best you can do for your own mental health so you are not making them internalize your own denial. I am using you as a figurative here not exactly saying YOU.

 

[TTC18]

Agree, and that's why I'm working on this now instead of stuffing it down again. I have honestly been unaware that I had a problem until this last breakdown thingie. I thought I was OK, fine, I'm a survivor, I'm fine, etc. - Now I realize I'm totally *not* fine, and am working hard to fix the issues. I do share what I'm thinking, but in the context of helping her understand - I make it clear that it's not her job to take care of me, and I make sure she has time for play etc. I think it'd be more confusing for her to see me crying (although I do try not to let her see me cry, sometimes I just can't help it) and know I'm going to the Dr all the time, and all this other stuff, but not know what's going on at all. I just told her that I'm getting help because stuff scares me a lot, and I want to fix it. Not like details of anything.

 

[blackemerald1]

I think you have covered almost all of the bases that a thoughtful parent could @tryingtocope18. The only one you haven't touched on much is discipline.

You know...I think it's ok for a child to observe her mother struggling and overcoming problems. I think it builds resilience into a child. I'm not advocating the child takes on the struggle themselves etc., Do you get what I mean?

Example. I was a single parent too. I struggled with finances and costs of education etc., One of my children was being fairly wild with his behaviour at school at one stage and it was going to end badly - probably with being told to not return to school? So, on his school holidays I took him for a drive to the possible options he had regarding education and then he was 'required' to get a part time job to fund himself for extra's.

All my attempts at reasoning etc., fell on deaf hears until he saw and began living the reality. Who knew?

Don't over compensate - just be yourself and give her the opportunity to thrive just as you are now. :hug: