How To Speak?

[Swemoor]

I think the reason I joined this forum was because I wanted to talk about what happened without telling someone close... I feel ashamed.

I was diagnosed by my psychologist and by my psychiatrist, after a several incidents...

When I started college I had to travel across the city I live in the north and my University is in the south of the city...

The worst incidents with strangers were being touched while sleeping and being followed to home.

But what really caused a trauma was that my boyfriend back then couldn't stand the fact that I didn't want physical contact anymore, he forced me into sexual situations.

He used to tell me things like "you don't love me anymore" to convince me and I developed dependency.

Last year I had a break down, it was horrible I even had to take medicine for my nightmares and everything was okay until I realized that I was running away from it instead of facing it.

In my therapy I learned that It wasn't my fault but nor my psychologist nor my psychiatrist (he is cbt) know what happened exactly.

But today during my therapy my psychiatrist told me that I have to speak so he can give me tools to fight.

The problem is that every time I try to speak about it I feel really bad, I feel sad, but also scared, because I remember everything and it feels so real, I feel so guilty and dirty, I feel disgusting ...

Once I tried to tell my mother about it but everything went wrong and I ended screaming

I asked the psychiatrist if I could write it and he said yes, but I imagine him reading it and I feel horrible...

What can I do to be able to speak?
I can't stand this anymore is a nightmare.

 

[Naoru]

Creating a Trauma Diary here may help you.

It is common for many of us to write things out prior to being able to speak them. I have done so many times and T has only been supportive.

Then work up to reading it aloud, etc.

However, I would suggest having them read it in session rather than giving it at the end. The unknown / shame afterward for me was intense.

Little steps are still steps forward.

 

[Deleted member 38644]

im the same way. this website helped me talk to people more only ONLINE. I haven't talked in a matter of years in regards to anything because I do not trust anybody. I cry when I first start off talking but i often feel a target

 

[MisterCatLady]

For some of us it can take a very long time to
Open up in therapy and that's okay. It's important to establish trust with who you decide to tell. Trust is hard, I would say for most of us. Don't be hard on yourself. We're all just doing the best we can.

 

[Leighlee87]

My therapist and I have set up a system where I email her or text her before our session detailing the things I can't manage to speak about. I used to be her first client in the morning, and now that we've switched hours I come in right after her lunch break so she has time to read what I've written. Sometimes I'll send it the day before, sometimes the day of, but I always let her know that it will be coming beforehand. This way we can jump right into it when I arrive. But that is something you probably want to work out the details to ahead of time, since you don't know their schedule. I feel awkward having her read it in front of me, and usually if I've written it on paper I can't manage to read the words out loud either. I usually walk in feeling anxious, but the worst of it is out there without having to use words to say anything.

 

[Missycat]

I do the same as @Leighlee87 . I still really struggle to get the words out as i feel ashamed, dirty and embarrassed no matter how many times my T tells me that nothing i say will shock her.
She has offered to read it outloud but again i feel uncomfortable. I have though found that sometimes if i read it i can almost seperate myself from the emotion as its as though im reading about someone else, like reading a book. We are then able to work on and asdreas what 'it' was.
Try creating your trauma diary here - and write it there - you wont be judged and it will give you opportunity to get used to writing it down.

 

[Swemoor]

Thank you all so much for your answers, I think I am going to write what I can't speak and show it to my therapists.

I already have a trauma diary but I have trouble reading it, but now I will try reading it as exercise.