How to stop feeling like you are "Too Much"

[Upside Down Eagle]

I guess this is related to my previous post about breaking ties with people.

I´ve always been attracted, in real life, to people who did not have time for me, even though they were otherwise people I got along with great. So eventually I adapted to hanging out with people I don´t really care for all that much. As a kind of surrogate.

I talked about this with a friend and he said: "I´m sorry to tell you this, but you have really low self-worth. You basically tell people: look here I am, but I am really too much trouble". And then that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Nobody has ever hit the nail on the head quite like this. I was always "too much", "too much effort to feed properly", "too much effort to listen to", "too much effort to hug" and that shit list continues into oblivion. Basically yeah I feel like I am "too much".

I also noticed recently that when I am in a group, doing some activity with people, I feel guilty for even existing. I have dreams about it too.

Can somebody tell me, what can I do to reprogram this? Are there any practical steps I can take towards appreciating my own presence?

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I think I innerstand what you're describing. Please forgive my "too muchness" in explaining, and if I'm way off base, please disregard.

I was always doing for others much more than I was ever doing for myself, both in my personal and professional life. It wasn't until my rapidly declining health made it necessary for me to cut almost all of those ties and get to know myself better than I ever knew I needed to.

I think staying so incredibly busy and helping others was my way of unknowingly avoiding what I needed to tend to within my own being, perhaps. If I was staying busy and helping others get results, that must have meant I was doing okay, right? Not so much.

Once I resigned from my job due to health reasons that escalated after being made an administrative target for speaking up about unethical happenings, becoming mostly bedridden, spending more time alone than ever before, and facing ongoing hell-th challenges that became more and more complex, I was sort of forced to look deeper inside than I had ever let myself look before.

Unfortunately, encountering many professionals who complicated things much more than they helped created even more hurdles to recognize and cross. I had to work really hard at unlearning a lifetime of familial and societal programs/traditions/beLIEfs to make room for what was the most helpful for my personal needs. A long and painful learning curve that I'm still navigating, finding genuine help in some of the darnedest places.

I've learned I am very much a canary in the coal mine of life and have to venture through the world much more carefully than most, meaning I can't be around toxic typical fragrances that many love in their hygiene/laundry products, candles, air fresheners, etc., and I'm now a whole-food, plant-based, mostly vegan, low-sodium, gluten-free, caffeine-free, alcohol-free consumer. Making me way "too much" for many to even try to be around, as most of the usual places folks would gather are off limits for the health of it in my world. But on the flip side, they are way "too much" for me, too. I guess I finally found some sort of weird balance.

I had to find a way to be okay with taking the time I needed to recognize, re-learn, and meeting my own needs that help me preserve my own well-being, which totally goes against everything that was ingrained in my brain my whole life, which was to always put others first. I also had to find ways to be okay with being alone more often than not, which was incredibly difficult as I'd been a social butterfly previously.

It's taken several years and many avenues of pursuit to achieve heightened inner awareness that helps me come to more comfortable terms with my cell-ph, including drum circles, intense nutritional guidance (prompted by an ER visit), massage therapy, craniosacral therapy/myofascial release, acupuncture, neurofeedback, talk therapy, more talk therapy, LOTS of nature time, sound therapy, almost daily tree hugging, energetic currency (current-see) exchanges, proper hydration, laughing at myself, laughing at absurdities I can't control, hula-hooping, breathing techniques, kitchen crafting, learning to make my own products that I can no longer tolerate via store-bought stuff, music, dancing around the house like a fool, joining an online forum with folks who innerstand many aspects of me, etc. to learn to be more comfortable in my own skin and with my own thoughts and choices.

It's still a struggle because everywhere I go, I'm completely surrounded by all the things that can make me severely ill again, with the main response of people who I thought were the closest to me being to continue to choose those things over making any adjustments to spend time with me. Some days it takes me straight to the depressive ditch, but over the years I've become a more proficient digger in getting myself out of it.

Other days, their actions simply work as a helpful tool to healthily remind me more than ever that I'm making the choices that are right for my well-being as I see them continually suffering in similar ways, but thinking they have no answers within reach. I also had to come to terms in knowing I can't teach anyone anything because they all have to arrive in their own time and space, just as I did.

That tripped me up really hard, as I felt I needed to let everyone know what had been so helpful for me so they could experience profound relief as I had and I felt I was letting them down if I didn't share. I was "too much" when I spoke of my pain, and now I'm still "too much" if I speak of how I managed to work with and through much of it, and the circumstances I require to healthily exist are "too much" for most to be bothered with. It feels pretty damn comical some days, but other days it can still cut like a knife.

Best wishes in finding increased cell-ph awareness and comfort within your own being so that being classified as "too much" by others no longer keeps you from doing the things you really want to do in this existence. Becoming our own best friend sounds a hell of a lot easier than it really is, from my experience. Take good care.

 

[blackemerald1]

I agree with so much of @Tornadic Thoughts. And I think I understand what you're saying @Gwaihir.

But on the flip side, they are way "too much" for me, too. I guess

^It really does work in both directions for me too. Though I didn't realise I was tolerating so much more than I should have been. Obviously tolerance is a good trait but not when it comes at the expense of my well being. There is a line and I suppose identifying where that line is - that's a good start.

I had to find a way to be okay with taking the time I needed to recognize, re-learn, and meeting my own needs that help me preserve my own well-being, which totally goes against everything that was ingrained in my brain my whole life, which was to always put others first.

^Me too and I found that whilst that was necessary in my professional life it bled over into my personal life too much. So I had to do the same.

I also had to find ways to be okay with being alone more often than not, which was incredibly difficult as I'd been a social butterfly previously.

^Again. Similar to my experience too. I quite enjoy my own company now and possibly I've gone a little too far in that when dealing with other people I have to pace myself more. I simply cannot sustain long social events or multiple people being around.

Becoming our own best friend sounds a hell of a lot easier than it really is,

^Completely agree. Learning that I deserve to be fed, housed, respected etc etc is so much harder than one would initially think. So often I have to step back from a situation and be attentive to my needs. I forget I have them so often.

I don't know how to describe the practical steps @Gwaihir - for me it was not an orderly progression and still is quite random. Like life really and very haphazard.

It began with me experiencing a moment, and then realising that I no longer wanted that situation, person, thing to be that way. And if that was my decision that was ok.

But, and it's a big but, walking away from people, redesigning my life and breaking old habits, routines I suddenly realised I was doing and I finally understood that I absolutely hated doing: took time and an appreciation of the simple truth that this is my life, That I only get one life and I don't get to do a redo, so that inspired me to try to start living my life for me, and in doing so living better. So I keep that in the back of my mind as I randomly spin around.

And also understanding, finally, that I don't control other people and that they are truly responsible for themselves and if they are feeling bad or need help though I may empathise, I don't have to be that one, who does the helping, always.

The expectation that I will be such, is no longer appropriate. It's ok to let them learn to help themselves if that's possible or more likely, find somebody else.

In other words, their problem is not my problem.

Doesn't that sound bad :cry: But in reality choosing who you help and why you help is always a choice and that's something that was really severely suppressed in me and I'm beginning to understand why.

Recognising that every single minute, hour & day is time in your life that you deserve at least in part, for your own self rather than it being entirely to the benefit of somebody else and to the detriment of yourself is critical.

Once you begin to put yourself first, though it sounds selfish, it's actually not. The way some of us were raised to always be at the beck & call for somebody else, family etc isn't healthy and it's good for your soul to preserve a damn lot of it for nobody else but you.

It's the doing that is so hard. :banghead:

 

[Ronin]

I tend to go looking for where my 'too much' will be 'that's goddamn brilliant, let's smoothen out the rough patches & get going :D' whenever I'm doing even remotely well and remember what's worth putting my time into, and isn't.

Because 'too much' isn't reality.
It's a judgment by someone who can't handle that scope.

And?
It may be good qualities.
Just hiding under trauma mud.

So I'll be damned if I'm letting clueless people shush that beautiful flame. I work hard nuff to keep it up.

My people are elsewhere, and sure hell don't bitch about my too muchness.

 

[Rumors]

I could have written that except I seek out people who need me to care for them so I can feel a greater self worth. Its exhausting bc most people will just let you take care of them...lol. I have learned that I have to be a good friend to myself and take care of myself before I can be the kind of friend that takes care of others. Its hard! Wishing you all the best figuring it all out.... keep posting bc you are giving me food for thought.

 

[Rani G2]

Can somebody tell me, what can I do to reprogram this?

Explainations have been given here...
Practical? For me..(Not pretending it works super duper, because times like this bring me right back to Trauma abysses) To go after that very precise felt sense/emotion, security Systems will go on, distraction will happen, yet still sticking to it, tenacity 100%, when the mind comes up with restricted areas then bringing the body/senses to redirect. That means loads of Body therapy. „If „(And I am only guessing here) the child experienced inadequate attunement in the beginnings of his life, what am I trying to Do as an adult to bring forth that attunement ? Trauma memories/parts seek/search for them and want them fulfilled. If this makes sense? Otherwise just throw it away..

 

[mamachick]

Gwahir-omg you have described me exactly. I dont necessarily do too much for others anymore, but feel exactly as your original post. I couldn't read the rest of the posts because it would distract me from responding, but I will go back and read now.

IKN-maybe we live in a world where there are so many injured people, that they are also feeling the same. I just know that I am tired of reaching out to some and not doing it anymore. I have felt hurt that a friend and neighbor always seem to be too busy. I dont work anymore so have been really understanding of those who do and never seem to have enough time. I have been feeling so done with this. I know their personal issues and excuse that as a reason. Not so much any more.

 

[Mach123]

Everyone is doing this to one degree or other if you accept the "you are the world around you" theory of looking at things. I got that from Don Juan in my late teens.

But I have found/I think it's in your sub conscious which is a word,. It could.be anywhere. Like a computer chip.

So I live out my trauma in the way you describe. Someone says this or that and I.do or feel or think like this or that. Now it's up and running. Everyone's in their places, all the actors, me especially.

I'm always confused and trying to change it, to put myself in some.other place but "the way I am" tells everything to keep me there.

Important to realize I'm not blaming myself for the trauma programming I received. It's no fair but it still is and I have to deal with it.

I question how much control I ever had over any of it now that I'm older . I keep feeling more and more that struggle is futile. I think making an effort is one thing , but making an effort to try and pound a square peg into a round hole?

Thanks your posts are great.

 

[The Albatross]

Other focus... will fail. Endeavor to find the self validating focus that will endure. Learn/find what in yourself, in your own estimation you value... and seek to have that sate what you seek in others. When we're not so needy... and we're more realistically authentic people sense it and respond in kind with their own authenticity. If you are already "enough" in your own skin... you do not transmit "too much" or "too much need" to others.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

Hi, @Klanala . Welcome to the forums!

I see you quoted a post of mine, but I don't see that you typed anything in addition.

Just wanted to make you aware in case you thought something came through that didn't.

Hope you're enjoying your time here and finding helpful information along the way.

 

[katz]

I find it very difficult to put myself first. I have always been the one who "reaches out first". I have been told by many people that I should not always be the one who "calls first". But, this just makes me more scared that they won't. I can't seem to find the middle line on when and how much I should reach out and how long to wait to see if they will reach for me. Won't that be like.. not caring for anyone else? I mean, I do want other people around me. I don't want to just close everyone out?

 

[TruthSeeker]

I think I innerstand what you're describing. Please forgive my "too muchness" in explaining, and if I'm way off base, please disregard.

I was always doing for others much more than I was ever doing for myself, both in my personal and professional life. It wasn't until my rapidly declining health made it necessary for me to cut almost all of those ties and get to know myself better than I ever knew I needed to.

I think staying so incredibly busy and helping others was my way of unknowingly avoiding what I needed to tend to within my own being, perhaps. If I was staying busy and helping others get results, that must have meant I was doing okay, right? Not so much.

Once I resigned from my job due to health reasons that escalated after being made an administrative target for speaking up about unethical happenings, becoming mostly bedridden, spending more time alone than ever before, and facing ongoing hell-th challenges that became more and more complex, I was sort of forced to look deeper inside than I had ever let myself look before.

Unfortunately, encountering many professionals who complicated things much more than they helped created even more hurdles to recognize and cross. I had to work really hard at unlearning a lifetime of familial and societal programs/traditions/beLIEfs to make room for what was the most helpful for my personal needs. A long and painful learning curve that I'm still navigating, finding genuine help in some of the darnedest places.

I've learned I am very much a canary in the coal mine of life and have to venture through the world much more carefully than most, meaning I can't be around toxic typical fragrances that many love in their hygiene/laundry products, candles, air fresheners, etc., and I'm now a whole-food, plant-based, mostly vegan, low-sodium, gluten-free, caffeine-free, alcohol-free consumer. Making me way "too much" for many to even try to be around, as most of the usual places folks would gather are off limits for the health of it in my world. But on the flip side, they are way "too much" for me, too. I guess I finally found some sort of weird balance.

I had to find a way to be okay with taking the time I needed to recognize, re-learn, and meeting my own needs that help me preserve my own well-being, which totally goes against everything that was ingrained in my brain my whole life, which was to always put others first. I also had to find ways to be okay with being alone more often than not, which was incredibly difficult as I'd been a social butterfly previously.

It's taken several years and many avenues of pursuit to achieve heightened inner awareness that helps me come to more comfortable terms with my cell-ph, including drum circles, intense nutritional guidance (prompted by an ER visit), massage therapy, craniosacral therapy/myofascial release, acupuncture, neurofeedback, talk therapy, more talk therapy, LOTS of nature time, sound therapy, almost daily tree hugging, energetic currency (current-see) exchanges, proper hydration, laughing at myself, laughing at absurdities I can't control, hula-hooping, breathing techniques, kitchen crafting, learning to make my own products that I can no longer tolerate via store-bought stuff, music, dancing around the house like a fool, joining an online forum with folks who innerstand many aspects of me, etc. to learn to be more comfortable in my own skin and with my own thoughts and choices.

It's still a struggle because everywhere I go, I'm completely surrounded by all the things that can make me severely ill again, with the main response of people who I thought were the closest to me being to continue to choose those things over making any adjustments to spend time with me. Some days it takes me straight to the depressive ditch, but over the years I've become a more proficient digger in getting myself out of it.

Other days, their actions simply work as a helpful tool to healthily remind me more than ever that I'm making the choices that are right for my well-being as I see them continually suffering in similar ways, but thinking they have no answers within reach. I also had to come to terms in knowing I can't teach anyone anything because they all have to arrive in their own time and space, just as I did.

That tripped me up really hard, as I felt I needed to let everyone know what had been so helpful for me so they could experience profound relief as I had and I felt I was letting them down if I didn't share. I was "too much" when I spoke of my pain, and now I'm still "too much" if I speak of how I managed to work with and through much of it, and the circumstances I require to healthily exist are "too much" for most to be bothered with. It feels pretty damn comical some days, but other days it can still cut like a knife.

Best wishes in finding increased cell-ph awareness and comfort within your own being so that being classified as "too much" by others no longer keeps you from doing the things you really want to do in this existence. Becoming our own best friend sounds a hell of a lot easier than it really is, from my experience. Take good care.

I fI could have written this....almost paragraph by paragraph....word for word....thanks...this was refreshing and on target with my experiences, the fixer need to "show other's what I've done to make life better," totally....this is also the way I feel!