How to take a break with a therapist without it being a final end?

[Abstract]

This may not be popular with others but I personally dont think someone keeping telling one to change and fix when in that particular mode is useful. In context of already being someone very dedicated to fix and change oneself. I dont agree that it counts out all forms of help though. And will add in a context statement of: of course there is still the desire for change and resolution behind this scenario.

I also dont agree that it is always just our perception that is off and the t knows best. Some t's may and some people may be able to be in t and have this be true. But for others I think putting ones own instincts aside can be dangerous. Sometimes what is objectively good therapy can be damaging to a person at a specific time and place. Its of course really bad news to just straight away go with thoughts like these but if one has done a lot of trying in therapy and doing and fighting and still there is no change then I think its OK to consider alternatives.

I have desperately needed to be and my "be"ing accepted and acknowledged in the past (and needed to be allowed to be imperfect and that be OK too) and when I went from a therapy environment where there was a lot of pushing and fixing to one where there was not I made a thousand times more progress than had done with all the attempts to fix me by myself and ts. There was something about being in that holding space that opened doors and changed things. I think for me its complex interpersonal stuff and a long habit of self control and little acceptance

I realise the type of therapy I am talking about isnt your usual choice but wonder if it would be something to consider. I hear you where you are in regards to therapy at present but still think its unwise for you not to have support and think there is almost always some way of doing support that would suit.

Quite frankly and keeping in mind that I am only hearing one half of the story, she would do my head in. Sure she is very good but nonetheless.

 

[Tinyflame]

I told her I wanted to talk about the funeral and she kept telling me to think about positive things. I kept telling her I want to be like others and not have to fix everything about me and how I think and feel all the time.

Oh my @Justmehere , 'other' people would just want to talk about the funeral too. :(

I too got to the point I could only be me, and the current version of me. It was actually more healing than rejecting the me I am, in totality. If anything, it brought my threat system down much, to not have to constantly not be the version of 'normal' I expected of myself, and not to be unforgiven for that.

 

[ILoveLife]

Maybe you need accepting of how things were and are and who you are right now intead actually working on changing all that?
The "just being" part is maybe just the "being okay with it" or just simply "being okay".
The change in therapy should not be geared towards changing us, but our perception of us I think. I'm not sure she's helping with all the positive work, I have been known to say in therapy that sometimes we're just not in a positive mindset and that's okay too, as long as we don't get stuck there.

I agree that "just being" is more than enough to be okay with ourselves again. (And that's a sort of change, sorry!)

I know in my trauma therapy sometimes it feels like I'm trying to change the past and it's incredibly frustrating because.. well, that's an impossibility.

 

[grit]

Oh wow!

She is not validating your real subjective feeling of today. One thing I am noticing about therapists is this (esp around those of us who have complex trauma), they never really ask how did you get here in the first place? They never really want to know how strong we are in order to survive serious shit as children or young kids and we are still here strong and productive! They put us in “unstable” category and honestly it is hard to graduate from that when a therapist typecasts a client.

I am shocked that regardless of how much pain you have, you are still still strong. I got the feeling that she does not want to talk about funeral because it is related to death and I do not know if you have some issues about death before or the person who died is very close to you and she is afraid you may hit rock bottom! But she knows you supposedly and for her to direct you away from what you want to focus is – Avoidance.

I got the feeling she wants you to strengthened your avoidance side, rather than actually help you become able to talk about funerals and still live the next day. She feels talking about funerals is the end! Why is that? And why she is assuming that and even if that is the case, you want to talk about it, you should be able to say whatever you want even if you are become so unstable! It is your therapy not hers.


Maybe she does not want to deal with side of you that she is avoiding.


To me not knowing you aside this post and its follow ups, you sound you are on the cusp of realizing you are independent and no matter what you need from your therapist, it is in you. The mere fact you can leave her and live and BE is enough!

I am super sorry you are so invalidated by this experience and you are forced to beg to have autonomy to speak an issue you wanted and you are denied for that. I am really sorry but I also feel deeply that I hope you reach that peak where just being is enough for now and forever.

 

[Muttly]

I would be surprised if your therapist terminates with you if you state you are taking a break. That is not that unusual for clients to do. As others have said, I think you need to tell her directly, as you have done here.

I do agree with that being without any therapist support is concerning and I hope maybe you'd consider talking at this forum about coping while you take the break

I had a therapist who told me to focus on the positive in a variety of situations. Not only was it not helping, it was triggering. It And yes, I mean triggering, not a stressor. Even when I gave the therapist feedback that wasn't helpful, he would still do that. It increased my suicidal thoughts. While he had been helpful to me early on, he stopped being helpful to me. Not only because of that, but because he was frequently on trips/unavailable. I can understand how this would be so difficult to you and why you would want to take a break.

 

[scout86]

In therapy, I find myself extremely tired of fixing everything.

This comment really gave me something to think about.

There's a difference between "fixing" and "improving", isn't there? I suppose it's possible that, in an attempt to be helpful, your T is focusing too much on "fixing" and not enough accepting. Because, honestly, I don't see you as someone who needs to be fixed.

You've given me a reason to think about it, and i think my T goes out of his way to change my thinking about "being broken" and needing to be fixed. (He's forever pointing out things we have common where I might find fault with myself, but seems ok if it's him.) At the same time, he encourages thinking about things that I might want to improved. Not the same thing though. At least it doesn't seem that way to me.

Having said that, I know people who, maybe with the best intentions, can suggest "improvements" in a way that feels like a criticism. I'm not sure I can pin down what difference is, but there one.

It would be great if you could sort this out. For both of you, because her inability to communicate in a way that's helpful limits her ability do her job as well as she might.

 

[Abstract]

Feeling invalidated is an interesting one I find. I mean invalidated in the more clinical sense.

In the past it has:
sometimes been entirely me. Nothing wrong with what t said.
sometimes been mostly situational or where I am at - not finding their particular manner helpful.
Them being quite fundamentally invalidating and living in "should" mode. No attempt to balance with perspective or tone.
Them not being attuned at all or able to see how unhelpful stuff is even with repeated attempts to discuss. Not able to truly listen. Sometimes replaying the past dynamics as a result. Rather than managing them and taking them to a healthy conclusion.

But really I do think those of us who have informed ourselves, are open to looking at ourselves hard and honestly, and are able to look at stuff objectively probably have a fair amount of understanding of what is helpful or harmful to us at any given time. If we let ourselves acknowledge it. Not about fault. Just about what is and isnt. Firm believer in time and place and things that suit that.

 

[Teasel]

Voukfnt agree more @Abstract

 

[EveHarrington]

But is she REALLY the best therapist for you?

I keep wondering if you hold tight to this belief because she’s salty or has a lot of degrees on her wall...

To me it seems like she’s not meeting you where you’re at, which to me is a top ten trait of a good therapist.

And just telling someone to think happy thoughts?!?! I don’t think this ever really works. The technique is more about challenging faulty thinking so that we can have an accurate perception of life. That is, there’s a method to the madness.....you can’t just jump to “happy thoughts!!!!!” and expect anything to stick in our brain.

 

[grit]

Hi justmehere
Hope you are well. I was worried about you and woke up this morning still thinking about you.

I thought maybe you had or shared information about suicide with this t and she took over the part that keeps us all alive. This so fundamental it is scary. But today I feel you mastered it and yet the t simply can't imagine u could. It is a foundational stuff and t is treating you like u were when u came to her.
U r frustrated because it is like u finally got it you do not want to die ok. Can we focus on here and now and she does nif ot believe or afraid for you. Family do this. If family gives us borderline we stay borderline. I think you master something and t does not see it yet. I am sorry you are suffering but I really hope u just maybe change your frame of Reference to why is the t avoiding to talk to you about death? Why is t thinking you r unstable? Perhaps you were but not today. You are so close to the cusp of truama lenses and you outside of that - - 1-the healthy core of justmehere. No wonder u said u just want to Be.. Just be. Exactly the driver of whoever or whatever that was directing your life in your head is gone. It is just you and you are fine!

 

[Lslb]

Yes, it is going badly. She agrees it is going badly. We have already stopped doing all trauma work for some time. I can’t think of anything to even talk about anymore with her. We sit in silence A LOT. She has stated she doesn’t know what to talk about.

I have left every session frustrated for the past 6 weeks. I have talked to her about the problems. We get nowhere. I’m not willing to keep spending this amount of money on sessions that do not involve any trauma work on trauma and yet still leaving me feeling this badly.

I need to take a break. I’m not sure how to approach this with her. I’m concerned that she will just quit if I take even 1-4 weeks off.

The thought of getting more professional therapeutic support just about undoes me. I have tried a few intakes the past month, and it isn’t working out financially or otherwise. I tried to get inpatient care and that massively backfired. They refused to do even a psych eval. My doctor wants to file a complaint herself against the hospital and I’m just too tired. I’m beginning to really dislike the mental health care profession as a whole and I think maybe a break can help me reset my thinking.

Hi been there with my therapist. However she agrees that it is an idea to take a therapeutic break every so often.

You could maybe agree on this and a time frame??? All I would do is make sure that there are no open trauma situations which need to be closed down for a little while before just stopping for a break xxx

 

[Justmehere]

Well, my therapist canceled for this week. At least I get to take a week off without having to try to do anything.