General How to talk to friends

[anon1234]

Drunk friend decided to give me her opinion on my relationship despite the fact she is in a codependent one herself (and I have never given my unsolicited opinion on hers. I learned a long time ago to mind my own business).

After a period of reflection, I realized she is just completely naive about the specifics of my relationship, in the way I once was before I knew about the PTSD. Even then, I still found it insensitive because she did it in front of a table of people on the premise of “because I care.” I’m trying so hard to give her the benefit of the doubt right now.

Supporters - how do you simultaneously manage your relationship and friendships without one destroying the other? I think I’ve done pretty well up until now but I have a very long fuse that may be close to burning out. How have you explained absences and what they perceive as non-normality without specifically saying the reason? How do you deal with the cross examinations?

 

[OrangeJulius]

I don't have any words of wisdom. My honey doesn't hide his PTSD from anybody so I will imply it if I get the third degree ....but only if I can't shrug it off another way. And he is a first responder so saying he's working is believeable (and usually true since he works weekends....on purpose).

But just wanted to comment to acknowledge that this sucks big time! I have no idea what I would do or say if he wasn't so open about his PTSD (open meaning he has it and that's it).

If it was me, I would probably tell my drunk friend that if that's how she feels then she should bring it up with me sober. And if she actually follows through with that I would be honest and tactful and point out that she doesn't know the ins and outs of my relationship....just as I don't know hers....so unless I am coming to her every week with unexplained bruises, please "care" by being supportive of my relationship with a man that is good to me in x, y, and z ways and its not fair for her to judge him on this one thing that doesn't bother me in the least bit.

The friendships I have are pretty great in that we can be honest without it ruining anything. And if someone can't respect a request like that then that's not someone i would necessarily trust anyways.

I'm sorry you're dealing with that. Its so annoying that on top of everything else when things can get tough and you need to vent or feel loved your friends always come out of the woodworks with all their "love" and "care".

 

[anon1234]

Thanks so much for your reply and thoughtful words. I suppose recently I’ve been wondering if I have had some really high and unrealistic expectations of my friends, because they keep disappointing me in multiple ways. What annoyed me most about this particular interaction was that I heard her whisper to someone that “he probably killed people as well”. I have absolutely no idea what happened in combat nor do I ask. I do know the trigger was not related to anything he did, more like something that happened to him. But I can’t sit there and explain it. It’s none of their business, right? Or am I the one being unreasonable expecting people not to say this sort of stuff about someone they never met?!

I like your words on how to respond. I’ll commit those to memory since I expect I will need them at some point soon.

 

[jade53]

I'm sorry if all I have to say is that "friend" sounds passive-aggressive and reminds me of many past acquaintances that feel better about themselves by covertly being toxic when it's least expected, or needed.
If you're interested I watched an excellent video on you tube last night that illustrates how best to deal with people like that called stand up for yourself
Stand Up For Yourself Without Being A Jerk

 

[Sweetpea76]

I've learned to keep relationship issues pretty close to the vest. I don't tell my friends if he's isolating or being a dick. I understand why he's doing it... they don't.