How To Tell My Mother I Have Ptsd?

[a3a2]

Just curious, is your dad pursuing a relationship with you, or is this also entirely your responsibility?

 

[ladybug88]

I'm surprised when you say your therapist said it will help your mother understand. Did she really say it so definitely ("it will"), with no room for any other outcome? What did she mean by "help" (to what extent?) and "understand"? (understanding isn't necessarily action or change). I can't help wondering if you might be tending to put an interpretation on what your therapist has said, to bring it in line with your thinking about the outcome you want. I wonder if it's worth exploring this a bit more with your therapist?

No my therapist did not say to tell my mother for her own well being. She told me to tell her once I felt it was time for my own sake. I think you all are right and you've really given me a lot to think about. I am so much more fragile than I like to admit and I get so sad putting that stress on my husband. He deserves to have a healthy and happy partner.

Well if I am not going to tell her( which seems like the popularity vote ;>) What would be a good way to avoid her questions without making her feel shut out of my life? She is afraid that she has caused some of the issues in my life, and although she has, I can't bring myself to tell her exactly why. She is kind and wants to be a loving mother, she grew up with an alcoholic father and a constantly sick mother who neglected her children. Having to tell her that because she protected my dad for so many years with excuses it made me feel like she is his puppy. She follows him everywhere but likes to pretend she doesn't have a leash on and can leave anytime. When it comes down to reality she will mostly side with him. When she almost divorced him she depended on me for everything. She wanted help finding a house, paying bills, getting the kids off to school, and then when she decided to try to make it work with "conditions", she dropped me completely. She told me she never needed me and that I was her daughter not her friend. She said I didn't need to be involved in her and her husbands relationship, although she would call me constantly to complain or tell me the arguments they had had. ( I finally put a stop to that) The more I talk about it the more it makes me realize how underhanded she can be. It encourages me to hold off telling her until I am stronger :)

Just curious, is your dad pursuing a relationship with you, or is this also entirely your responsibility?

Yes, my dad reaches out to me often. Within the last month he has attempted to contact me or remind me of his presence three times. My dad thinks that he just has flaws and I have no right to point them out. I have never pointed a finger at him and told him the wrong he has caused me. I had admitted a few things to my mom and she spoke to him about them, he denied completely and made her feel guilty for accusing him and admitted to some while changing everything around to make it look like I was the bad guy. My dad will whine and is very animated. He hides his true meanings in a flurry of acted out emotions and large gestures. It makes it really difficult for me because some of the movements he does, like rapidly waving his hands when he doesn't want to talk about something anymore, he still does. It makes me revert to some memories I have of him giving up on wanting to talk to me or reason with me about things I felt were really important. It gives me a feeling of panic as if whatever I am saying isn't real or true anymore. It makes me feel so small and worthless. Just by a simple hand gesture!

So in conclusion to all of what I just said, I think I'll hold off on telling my mom but I need some advice on how to put her down gently. What are some good things I could say to her to get her to understand I am working on myself and it isn't about her anymore?

Thank you

 

[a3a2]

Lulu,

It is clear to me that you want a relationship with them, and I think that is great, so long as you are not sacrificing yourself on this alter. I think it is important for you to recognize, however, that the parenting roles are reversed here. You are the parent, protecting and shielding them. I have the same kind of relationship with my mother. My father, I suspect, has an attachment disorder that makes a relationship nearly impossible.

In my case, after recognizing that I am in the parenting role, I have chosen to have a gentle, but somewhat superficial role with my mom, and to some extent, with my dad. I love them, but I recognize their illness and inability to parent. I have had to set boundaries with them. I will not discuss certain things with them, and I will not take orders from them. I had to take a pretty firm stance here. Sometimes you have to do that when you are parenting. If they ask me a question, that I have warned them in advance that I will not answer, I respond with a question: "why do you ask?" My parents have not pursued it beyond that, but if they did, I would plan to respond with "this is a private matter for my husband and me. I'd rather not discuss it." If they push it further, it is time to go. I will also end the conversation in a similar way if they are guilting me or telling me how to live my life.

Your therapist can help you navigate through these uncharted waters. I know it is tough. You have obviously become a kind and thoughtful young woman despite growing up in the environment that you did, and it is obvious that you have and will continue to pursue a strong relationship with your husband. These are no small achievements, and for that, you must be commended. You have shown yourself to be resilient, and ready to learn and heal. That will continue to serve you well. I wish you well on this healing journey.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

although she would call me constantly to complain or tell me the arguments they had had. ( I finally put a stop to that)

How did you put a stop to this? Chances are, this may be the same way you can put a stop to her questions.

What are some good things I could say to her to get her to understand I am working on myself and it isn't about her anymore?

What worked for me is telling my mother that I am seeing a T. I told her I'm seeing a T to work through my childhood so that I can be a better person (This doesn't mean so you can become a better person aka bowing down to their dysfunction, but I didn't tell her that) and that it's best if while I talk to her on the phone or in person, that we just talk about us--she and I. My mother didn't pick up on it at first, but she learned over time.

When she started talking about my step father or anything really dysfunctional, I just didn't respond. I just drowned it out and then changed the subject to she and I. Sometimes, I even had to say, Mom so sorry I have to go and I would hang up the phone and deal with my guilty feelings.

The more I did that, she went along. It's basic Psychology and silent boundaries. I said things to her that I meant to change the subject. Things like, hey Mom, what is your favorite color? How are you doing? Any new friends in your life? Do you go out together? What do you do?

Or I will ask her things about her hair, what makeups she is using, etc etc. If she asks why I'm changing the subject, I'll just say well, because Mom, I love you and I want to get to know you.

I really do want to get to know her outside of all of that because all of my life, I only knew her as a mother I could get needs met as a child and then as the woman who is married to my abuser, etc. I didn't know her outside of that and I wanted to know who that woman was before she was married and before she had me :)

I hope this helps somewhat. Now that my mother is seeing her own T, we do this silent thing with each other. Like, when I start unloading my problems onto her, she asks me when I will see my T next and I do the same with her. There are times when each of us is strong enough to listen to the problems that we have for the day and other times where we aren't. Also, there are times when my mother will apologize for venting on me and then ask, "How are YOU doing today? I want to hear about (my name)!"

Other times, she will realize when she is venting too much and apologize through a text message because she is keenly aware of it when I distance myself now. She still goes back into venting too much, but it's getting less and less. She also has recently done a very good job about protecting me when I call if my step father is drunk. She will say, "Hi honey. I love you, but I gotta go. I have so much to do today." This is her code word for: he is drunk, call tomorrow.

When she knows my husband has just gotten home from work, she will say, "Tell my son in law that I said hello and that I love him. You go enjoy your husband. Spend time with him and call me back when you have the time." This never used to happen with boyfriends that I have had in the past. She would call my phone a million times a day. When she didn't get a response from me, she would call their phones a million times just to get a response out of me. She did that several times with my husband, but I have found ways to set a firm boundary. The last time she did it was over the holidays while we were on vacation.

I was upset, naturally. I waited until I wasn't upset anymore. I sent her a text and said,

"Mom. If you want to call or text my husband because you want to say hello to him, that's okay with me. It is okay with him too because he is your family too now. However, please don't take it personally if he doesn't reply as much as I do. Number 1, he is a guy and number 2, he works a lot.There are days when he barely has time to respond to my texts or phone calls. If you want to get ahold of me, text or call me. If I don't answer you, it's because I'm busy and I'm not answering for anyone else also. There are times when I'm just busy and I will get back to you. Then, there are times when I don't feel good emotionally or physically and I need to isolate, but I want you to know how much I truly love you and it doesn't mean that I am avoiding you."

And that is 100% honesty today.

These things are very huge for us to have gotten to this point of our relationship. It is so much more healthy now than it ever has been.

There are so many ways to set silent boundaries without pointing fingers and being loving about it. It takes awhile to learn them though and there are many different ways to do it. It really just depends on the 2 people and the dynamic that they have. I would not have been able to say that to my mom back then because we were different people. Also, I would not have been able to set boundaries that sustain if I still had the mind of a child and required her to meet my emotional needs.

In that case, the boundaries I tried to set based on what other people taught me felt foreign and ended up not coming out right because I had the wrong motive. Motives like trying to set them when I am frustrated, hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. And motives like wanting to get my needs met with the mind of a child. Boundaries should never be married to an outcome that you have in mind in which it is set to control people, places, or things. It should always be from a pure place of compromise and consistency over time.

Of course, there are some boundaries that are going to have to be met with a resounding Yes or No.

You will get there. Yes, you are right, our husbands do deserve to have emotionally healthy wives. Happy is a momentary thing I have learned. We cannot be Suzy freaking cupcake all of the time :D You will get there. It's a process. Everything is a process.

I commend you for the effort that you are making. I see great things coming in your future. Peace to you!

 

[Abstract]

Lulu,

I find for me that the right time to share something is when I am fully prepared for all possible reactions and that I am doing it for the telling and not the getting back. Especially when getting back what I need or want is unlikely. And especially when the topic is very important to me.

Your mother sounds as if she has big co-dependent issues and is resistant about acknowledging them. Inevitably you may end up looking after her in her distress about your PTSD rather than getting support from her or any change.

I have found it very helpful to look honestly at who my family is and make decisions and boundaries accordingly. You mentioned your mother partakes in age inappropriate discussions in front of her children and that she never did anything to stop your fathers abuse. Along with the kindness you mention this is all part of what she is capable of.

Like a3a2 I keep it superficial and vague and keep a distance even if it can only be psychological. I have been setting strong boundaries now for about 7 years and I have to say it has made such a difference for me. Not in my mothers behaviour but with how protected I am, There was no change in behaviour from my mother for over 5 years and she would repeatedly test the boundaries. In the last year or two there has been a subtle change. She still does it but there is much less energy behind it and it is as if she is waiting for me to re-enforce the boundary.

I think part of having a healthy relationship is fully accepting who someone is - both the good and bad. The others give good examples of non confrontational boundary setting,

 

[ladybug88]

Thank you all for your support and wonderful advice <3. Here is an update:

My mother came over and was very pleasant. She waited about thirty minutes before asking how my session went. I told her curtly that it went well and that I already have another appointment scheduled, and surprisingly she didn't pry too much besides asking if I liked my therapist. I tried to keep the conversation focused on her and her kids, not mentioning my father too much to keep us on the right track and she followed pretty well. There was only one instance later in the evening where she brought up how she had seen a therapist a couple years ago and tried to explain a few things that the therapist had talked with her about. Generally she does this to get me to relate to her story and to get more information. Instead I told her I was really happy that she was willing to share her experience and left it at that. I could tell by the look on her face and silence that it was not the response she was looking for, I quickly led on to another topic though and it went smoothly enough from there.

There weren't too many awkward moments fortunately but there were a few things I had to get over afterwards. My father called her three times while she was over for the two and a half hours it took to do her hair. Each time she put him on speaker phone even though I can't remember her ever doing that unless driving. He didn't try to speak with me but since I have been purposely distancing myself from him it was difficult to hear his voice. Part of me could see how hard she was trying not to pry or add to my stress but since I have had a few nightmares and I think hearing his voice probably caused it. If this happens again I think, for my own sake, I may have to ask her not to have her phone on speaker when it's him...until I can learn to control the fight or flight reaction. The worse part is that I was so proud of myself for sticking to my guns and not telling her personal information and yet the bad dreams have led me to feel disappointed in myself. As if I should have stopped her immediately, but she is so quick to recoil from me it hurts to think of doing so.

A question I have for all of you is...how do you help yourself from having nightmares? If it helps I have been specifically dreaming of the kinds of arguments I would be stuck in when I was a child. Growing up my parents both analyzed me during arguments; judging my character, posture, tone,movements, expressions, etc. I didn't feel comfortable or able to express how I really felt. They always wanted to change my "wiring" and constantly made me feel as if nothing I did had their approval unless it was something they felt/rationalized. Does that make sense? It was more of a feeling that my mind and body wasn't my own and any thoughts or feelings I had that didn't align with theirs was not okay or allowed. Often times my dad would say that he knew everything I was thinking because he was me...He would express that nothing I thought of he hadn't thought of before...My feelings he knew so well because he had already felt them...because we shared so many similarities I would feel as if I had no place of my own. Those are the feelings that come up in my dreams and I wake up highly sensitized and flighty. Although I do my best to do breathing exercises and morning yoga, I would love to hear if anybody else has come up with some coping mechanisms for "flash back" like dreams that I might be able to try.

Thank you again for all of your kind and helpful advice, all of you! -Lulu

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Lulu90 You're doing so great!

Can I ask you something personal? Was their analyzing you in such a way and the things they said part of their spiritual beliefs?

I realize this is very very personal and if you can't say anything, then I definitely know why and understand why.

 

[ladybug88]

They were not analyzing me for religious reasons but that did come into play in some aspects of my life. There were times where my mother would say things that led me to believe certain "bad" actions were from demons or if I started to act "unlike myself" she once said that she felt I was being led astray by "something dark" and that I wasn't the girl she knew ( I was twelve). It didn't go too far south with that kind of stuff though..it was more like in phases. If she was really involved with a church she might have a stronger tendency to say those things but that wasn't constant.

My dad really wanted to control me and his house hold. He never had power in a work environment and I think that is why he demanded it at home. He is forty years old and still hasn't held a job for more than five years in one period and has never been promoted above manager or sometimes stuck as assistant manager. He struggles now with alcohol and smokes a pack of cigarettes every two days. He drinks until he passes out at night or sits on the computer, drunk, until he can't stay awake anymore. During the day he is generally sober though. He started that behavior when him and my mother almost divorced. He is no longer "allowed" to yell at her and she stops him from yelling at the children. He has more at home responsibilities now but that doesn't stop him from trying to being the "man of the house". My parents work at the same facility and make the same amount of money so he doesn't have as much say in family decisions as he used to. I guess he drinks away his feelings...

The reason I said all of that is to say that they analyzed me so closely when arguing with me was because they would try to make me feel small and predictable. They assumed that if I felt like I was inadequate that I would change my opinion to theirs, which is what happened a lot. When I was 16-17 it started to get really bad. My mother would say that she didn't like me anymore and that I wasn't becoming who she though I would. Mind you I didn't get tattoos or piercings, I wasn't sleeping around, I didn't cuss or slam doors, I washed dishes and did laundry, I simply wouldn't change how I thought about things if I felt strongly about them. They started to tell me they planned on kicking me out because I wouldn't conform to what they wanted and that I made their lives more difficult. I also kept curfew and gave them every penny of my paychecks that I earned from working while dual enrolled in college. It was really quite scary thinking at any moment I could come home to the house I help pay for to find the front door locked with my things on the lawn. They actually could not survive without my paychecks yet I was made to feel worthless and slept on a trundle bed in a shared room while my 7 year old sister had a room to herself. They played power games constantly to see how much I could take until I would give in to what ever they wanted.

So I guess it's all to say...arguments with them were basically an emotional hell...