How to work with co-workers who hate each other's guts?

[HealingInProcess]

Besides, you were honoring your commitments... to the non abusive job that you started working at.

The development of the situation? You made no promises to work under these conditions.
Own word matters, but it also matters under which conditions it is given, and at which time.
You made no word for how things turned out to be, and even honoring what you committed to does not really ask for staying.

Thank for this Ronin. I have a difficult time with guilt and setting up boundaries and agreeing to things and then finding out they were different than I thought they would be. The Bible tells us we should honor our commitments and not make vows but if you agree to work somewhere without having any idea what it's going to be like, and if you can't get a job without making an agreement I wonder where that leaves you.

I think for me the take home message is to ask questions about the job regarding one's concerns before you start. Now if they tell you one thing and it's something else than I think you're off the hook. There are also just unstated expectations for a job as well; if they are violated I think you're also off the hook.

This is helpful for my current job search. I am currently doing reviews of the companies on places like Glassdoor or Indeed and they give me a glimpse of what it is like.

I have been lied to about many job situations and I don't want to show a lot of turnover on my resume but sometime it's like come on.

 

[ms spock]

Not necessarily, but it’s worth looking at if honoring commitments made despite changing circumstance (a hostile work environment, an abusive spouse, etc.) or even because the situation feels familiar (either the dysfunction is comfortable, or moral high ground is seductive, or taking revenge on past actors by trauma re-enacting since you feel more in Control & know you’re better than this) all whilst screwing yourself out of a much better opportunity? Is cutting off your nose to spite your face.

That's so true.

That is really food for thought!

You don’t have to stay somewhere that treats you badly... just because you said you would before you knew how they were going to treat you. That’s when people usually look for better opportunities, rather than turn them down.

That's so true!

It’s honorable to leave a bad job, on finding it to be a bad job.

Thank you for giving me validation for that. Thank you validating me for the point that if it's abusive I can just leave. That is really useful to me right now!

This is a tricky one. I agree one should honor one's commitments and would stick around if it works for your mental health but not if it doesn't.

That's a good point!

@HealingInProcess that is true! If it is not working for my mental health it isn't worth. The great thing now is I don't really need this job anymore. There are other opportunities! However it was good to practise assertiveness and after my partner checked my email and pointed to the angry bits that needed to be deleted (it was good to get it out) I sent two assertive emails. And then I fronted up when I didn't want to be there and was anxious about the situation. It worked out surprisingly well. So I am practising skills which is great - most people would do this type of stuff under ten years old. So even though it was stressful. It was also good, because if I stuff it up it's not that big of a deal. But I didn't stuff it up. I actually did really well.

Besides, you were honoring your commitments... to the non abusive job that you started working at.

It is so helpful that you are saying this to me because it let's me off the hook. It is common sense but of course common sense sometimes eludes the traumatised.

The development of the situation? You made no promises to work under these conditions.
Own word matters, but it also matters under which conditions it is given, and at which time.
You made no word for how things turned out to be, and even honoring what you committed to does not really ask for staying.

That is SO true! Thanks for helping me think outside of the being victimised square!

 

[ms spock]

Hey @Ronin I wasn't beating myself up. I was going like "Well yeah! That is SO right!"

 

[The Albatross]

RE: Of interest to me? About being honorable to leave a bad job on finding it to be a bad job?

Not really. My matter was complicated by having my mother reside there and it became apparent that there was nowhere in 3 counties to relocate her. So I chose to hang in there and use the $$$ from the employer to pay for the remodel necessary to meet her needs in our home. Had I left the job earlier, I would have been unemployed and be back on a job search, would not have been present to her last months/weeks in a deficient facility, nor would we have been able to do the renovations necessary to provide for her safety here at home.

Another thing for me is being unwilling to vacate a position in less than 6 months. I don't want the holes in the resume.

Some good points being made though.

 

[ms spock]

It is good you are reaching out for reality checks and communicate about where you at.

I am feeling really grateful to have you all to run this past. It really does help, and gets me out of my habitual thinking!

Not really. My matter was complicated by having my mother reside there and it became apparent that there was nowhere in 3 counties to relocate her. So I chose to hang in there and use the $$$ from the employer to pay for the remodel necessary to meet her needs in our home. Had I left the job earlier, I would have been unemployed and be back on a job search, would not have been present to her last months/weeks in a deficient facility, nor would we have been able to do the renovations necessary to provide for her safety here at home.

What you did with that job and your Mother was strategically brilliant! I so admire you for sticking in there with it, though I was worried about you!

I thought it would be more of for the future of employment for you. I have found some of the insights fantastic for me. So I thought you would like to read this thread!

Another thing for me is being unwilling to vacate a position in less than 6 months. I don't want the holes in the resume.

Fantastic point! That I didn't think about!

Some good points being made though.

It has been so helpful for me to read all these comments and think about them and B has been brilliant in encouraging me to stick to the middle path. So he has really helped me out with this one.

But this has been brilliant for me! It really helped me get through the week, and it pushed me to look outwards more and take risks I might have otherwise not taken!

Thank you all! This has really helped me out in the world this last week, and I went from zero to 110 km and I am doing SO well. Some of my lessons on Thursday were brilliant in engagement and student buy in. I got around to every student to give them some positive attention and positive feedback.

 

[ms spock]

Hey @Ronin I wasn't beating myself up. I was going like "Well yeah! That is SO right!"

 

[Ronin]

The Bible tells us we should honor our commitments and not make vows

From that angle?

The sin for the deceiving or being hurtful is on others, not on you dishonoring your vow.

And: God would not want you hurt / wants you to ask for the better and what is truly needed to grow, I am yet to find mentions saying you should not try to be and do better because you messed up too strongly.

I mean, starting with the Old Testament alone? The Egyptians were not very rightful in enslaving anyone, and as soon as possible, the Israelites took off, to find better lands, with the firm belief God provides.
Think that could apply to more forms of exploitation.

Down to practical?
Lots of jobs or seemingly not sticking to one or a few fields jobs listed can also be used as experience in wide variety of fields and flexibility and whatever else about being open minded, fast learning, quite able to move you feel like advertising it as. :) Self reliance is not really a bad thing.

 

[HealingInProcess]

From that angle?

The sin for the deceiving or being hurtful is on others, not on you dishonoring your vow.

And: God would not want you hurt / wants you to ask for the better and what is truly needed to grow, I am yet to find mentions saying you should not try to be and do better because you messed up too strongly.

I mean, starting with the Old Testament alone? The Egyptians were not very rightful in enslaving anyone, and as soon as possible, the Israelites took off, to find better lands, with the firm belief God provides.
Think that could apply to more forms of exploitation.

Down to practical?
Lots of jobs or seemingly not sticking to one or a few fields jobs listed can also be used as experience in wide variety of fields and flexibility and whatever else about being open minded, fast learning, quite able to move you feel like advertising it as. :) Self reliance is not really a bad thing.

Yes agreed I've had some bad work experiences where I really should have just quit on the first day to be honest. One of them they told me the person before me quit and the person before that was fired. This was like a week in.

 

[ms spock]

So I am fronting up with to this today. So I will report back to you all! It is kind of not worth it, but it is really good practice dealing with difficult situations. Learning to deal with the politics is really important!

The pay from the other schools is much, much, much better, but I am not quite ready for ful-ime work yet. I need to be part -time until this all normalises. So having this position means I have an out on Fridays, though I really regretted it last Friday.

I want to stabilise doing all of these new activities!

 

[HealingInProcess]

So I am fronting up with to this today. So I will report back to you all! It is kind of not worth it, but it is really good practice dealing with difficult situations. Learning to deal with the politics is really important!

The pay from the other schools is much, much, much better, but I am not quite ready for ful-ime work yet. I need to be part -time until this all normalises. So having this position means I have an out on Fridays, though I really regretted it last Friday.

I want to stabilise doing all of these new activities!

Yes there is a lot going on for you Parth but hopefully it all settles soon.

 

[ms spock]

Yeah well it was not too bad.

The Head Teacher, who is about 85 pulled me aside and had a bit of a go at me. Nothing in my email/s was addressed. She said she is in charge, she has the final decision in who teaches, what, when and how. She said again she has the final say in everything. She said I was not to discuss payment or email her about payment again. I said show me in the email where I discussed payment. This is a volunteer position. Then she said that I had complained about not being told someone else was teaching the group that I had missed out on paid work. So I had to give her that.

She was pretty angry and then after she had a go at me she got up and stalked away before I could say anything, and apparently I have no right to bring up my concerns or have any say.

So basically the 65 year isn't talking to me. So that's great really as she isn't bitching about the 85 year old. They did this petty exclusion thing so they talked and organised without me being included. I was just polite and professional. I did use a tone at one point when one of the more senior women told me that you should see the lines, I and I said yes I have waited in those lines.

The 85 year old gave me busy work, and all the negotiations I was working on with schools she informed me abruptly that she has taken over. This is despite us having a meeting that one person needs to see it through from beginning to end. She has taken all my projects off me and reassigned them to her self. So there's nothing that I can do about that.

So I did the lesson development as I was assigned to.

I did feel like quitting for a bit. Then I just got on with it.

As the day went on the 85 tried to be nicer and include me. I went and had lunch across the road with another woman, and vented a little bit.

I helped another woman ID Australia's fauna.

I have been looking through the grants and they stuffed up the acquittals. That would explain why they aren't getting grants. So it may not be wise to write grants for them and get my reputation tarnished.

Food for thought.

I stuck with it.

I made it clear that I was doing Grants writing on Wednesday. So I would do a small amount of Education stuff but would be doing Grants stuff.

 

[The Albatross]

It is uncomfortable... but keep in mind that the dysfunction existed before your arrival... both organization and relational. AND... will likely continue after you're departure with little glimmers of improvements here and there. It is good you recognized that the older one eased up on you later in the day. I think your assessment above is very fair and balanced.

Reassess your personal goals in light of these new developments... how/when/what do you need to tick off this box, keep the high ground, and make a strategy to exit with grace, dignity and head held high? I did that this last time... loosely scripted and "wrote the end of the chapter/story" then it was just a matter of master thespian-ship.

Being the change, modeling behavior without expectation, meeting your personal goal and maintaining personal integrity and dignity. It is not a bad way to end a story.