Howdy - Diagnosed with PTSD 3 years ago

[Deleted member 3]

Hi Antoinette,

Welcome to the forum. I'm with my husband (Anthony) on this one, we both feel that all parents should be licensed first. Makes no sense......need one to drive a car, carry a weapon (well here in Aus anyway) but still any person can give birth to child. Whats more the penalties for abusing those children just never seem to fit the crime. Anyhow, welcome, I hope that you can start your healing process within this community.

 

[nov_silence]

I feel like it is harder for me in some respects. My husband was sexually abused so he is more empathic and patient in relation to that. He seeks affection more and I seek sex more. Affection is harder than sex for me (it has gotten easier). In terms of the extreme anxiety associated with PTSD, he can't get his head around it...so i used to feel like a freak. It made sense when he came home and told me of his diagnosis a year ago, but we have different symptoms. When he emotionally withdraws, it takes months for him to "thaw out." Hence our current issues with interacting with each other. He hasn't done alot of research on it either so I feel like I am backed into a corner about what I can show him and what I can hide so he doesn't withdraw more. I suck at hiding how i am feeling. Vicious cycle. He manages work just fine. He doesn't have outbursts of anger, he holds it in. And then months will go by and something "minor" will happen then he will totally shock me with his depth of feeling- quiet anger. And it scares me bc then I feel like I have to climb up this huge mountain whose terrain subtly but constantly changes-becomes more slippery... I feel like all the struggling I have done I am paying for in the present (regardless of how well i am doing- emotionally he is struggling with my symptoms from a year ago) and I have to prove that I am "better" = being good which increases my anixety about falling apart = adding to the list = adding to the time he will thaw out. So I feel like no matter how well I am doing now, it's doesn't feel good enough bc he is still responding to me like I was a year or more ago. While he can logically recognize the steps I have taken, emotionally he is in the past.

 

[anthony]

Antoinette, what happened a year ago to make him live in the past like this in regard to you?

 

[Deleted member 3]

While he can logically recognize the steps I have taken, emotionally he is in the past.

Antoinette,

This is often the stance taken by a support person. I admit that I was often guilty of this until it was pointed out to me while we attended the PTSD course. While anthony was making subtle improvements we would get into an argument and all of his past behaviour would smack him right back in the face. I have an elephants memory for that kind of stuff and I do not easily forgive. For me I struggled with the fact that he had hurt me so much, on plenty of occasions, but still seemed to be moving forward and I felt left behind. Trapped in my anger, trapped with an unwillingness to forgive him and trapped because I was holding out for an apology or some recognition that was not really forthcoming, I felt like I couldn't move forward. Apologies are not Anthony's strong point, probably not mine either because we are both pig-headed.

I am not saying that I have my head around it yet, and I am guilty of relapsing (I hate to admit that I am wrong) but I do make an effort not to do this anymore. Anthony told me, that just as he managed to struggle a little forward it felt like I was trying to drag him back.

I am not condoning this behaviour but in your case it is probably amplified by the fact that your partner also has PTSD. Maybe pointing out to him how it affects you might make all of the difference. I guess what I am saying is, that in my experience this is quite normal support person behaviour.

 

[nov_silence]

Sorry about responding so "late." Things really went down hill last year. Drinking every day, being asleep by the time he got home. Or being depressed and sad (magnified by the booze), not getting sleep, getting sick ALOT. And then the late winter drinking in the morning b4 school, becoming increasingly more wiped out and ending up in the hospital in March (overdosed on trazadone, fell down in the ER, one of the scariest experiences of my life). I just hated myself. And he got to "witness" it all. He just tucked all his feelings away (PTSD-related) to survive my struggling... and got really really tired in the process. His spirit is so worn down. Now if I even appear to be anxious, he gets worried. I "told" him at the store tonight that we will start therapy in Jan when he the evening class he is teaching ends... and we will have more money. I also told him that I can't take on his worrying about me bc it grinds me down, and then I feel guilty, then I want to hide, then I want to cut or drink, then I feel suicidal. I explained that I can't have a good day every day. But that doesn't mean that when I am not feeling on level that that means things are doing down the shitters. We held each other in the cheese section for a long time. Knowing how hard it hits him when he knows I am not doing the greatest, but not the worst, I do tell him about how I am feeling so that he knows it from me instead of imagining the worst... but then trying to let it go from there bc I can't be responsible for how he feels (of course I am being logical about this and it still hits me emotionally, but I am practicing drawing that line).

Thanks for listening you all.