hugging my therapist is feeling like a drug

[brokenpony]

i hug my therapist at the end of every session, and at the beginning the hug had a little distance, but now we hug full body and somewhat long (20-30 seconds) and i can’t even express how good this feels, it is like swimming in the warm ocean or something. i bury my face in his shoulder and close my eyes and breathe in. but i think about the hugs a lot now and i am starting to feel addicted to them. and extremely bonded/attached to him now. i have two questions. (1) do you think this is harmful long-term? and (2) do you have any theories why i am this desperate for this kind of affection? i feel like i have latched onto him hard. i have a lot of teenage to adult sexual trauma and emotional abuse but i feel like i am regressing to childhood here. could it be the product of emotional neglect/abandonment?

 

[Rumors]

I'm not really sure but I think, for me anyway, having someone that is a true and safe connection is powerful and life altering. I don't hug my therapist, nor does she try and hug me, but she is someone that I rely upon greatly. I imagine the connection of sharing space with someone makes that even more scary, safe, crazy, and all the other feelings we can't explain... Maybe bring it up? Tell him what you are thinking and ask him what he thinks? Can't hurt...

 

[Mach123]

1 It's harmful if you are going to be hurt either way.

I think it's very dangerous to engage in this behavior because it's the forbidden fruit, at least for me. The therapist shouldn't be allowing it.

What would you do if he decided he wanted more? (How would you feel). How are you going to feel now if next week he says no more hugs?

He should know this but remember I have CSA and I'm sympathetic about how you feel. I can't cross that line with my therapist because I'd want to go for it. Very naughty.

2 it's perfectly normal for CSA survivors, have you done any reading?

Judith Herman "Trauma and Recovery"

 

[Eagle3]

I also hug my therapist after every session, but not that long. It's a good, full-body hug usually, about 10-15 seconds at the longest. He's an attachment therapist, so that is acceptable in his modality. We agreed very early on that I needed the hugs as part of my therapy (I'm on the Autism spectrum and hugging is social skills therapy as well), but its always very appropriate, and there is no lingering. In the 5 years I've been seeing him, it has NEVER progressed farther than that, even with the intensely intimate bodywork and holding sessions. A good attachment therapist will know where the boundaries are and will maintain those, even with very intimate-feeling work. Still, therapists are human too. If its helping you, keep it up, but you'd definitely want to discuss the current feelings about the hugs with your therapist. It sounds like there may be something that needs to be worked through there.

 

[Muttly]

I think you and your therapist need to have a conversation about what's going on. I don't think it's necessarily an indication that there's something wrong with your therapist relationship but boundaries need to be very clear for both of you.

As far as why, it's hard to know for sure. Therapy is a very close relationship. If you haven't had a lot of positive affection then getting it from a trusted person (therapist) can be a wonderful feeling.

 

[Nessa7]

I agree that it would be a good idea to mention this to your therapist. A useful experiment might be to go one appointment without hugging. Some amount of obsessing about therapy is normal. If you feel like you are addicted to something, a big part of that is how you feel when you can't get that thing.

 

[Missycat]

I agree with everyone else and think its best to talk to your T about your feelings - its hard but at least it will answer your worries and concerns and also maybe lead to a conversation about boundaries . Whether a T hugs or not its very common to feel attached - often this is the first person who cares, listens, gives you time etc - again any good therapist will know how to deal with this and be able to put you at ease.
I like the idea of maybe one week going without the hug and seeing how that works / opens up for you.
All the best

 

[Cypress]

Is this the same T that you posted about in January that you were worried was going to abuse you?

 

[Sideways]

If you raise this issue with your T, it’s unlikely the response will be,
“Well let’s pull that rug out from under you - no more touching ever!”
More likely is that it will start a helpful conversation.

One of the issues that comes up with this kind of attachment is that it starts to influence the relationship, and the way you as the client handle that safely.

Say you were stiffly addicted to heroin, and your dealer was also a really brilliant trauma therapist that was totally helping you recover, and gave you free heroin at the end of each appointment.

Underlying all of your conversations would be the knowledge: screw this up and I lose my heroin supply. And that in turn? Would potentially make you less likely to bring up the hard stuff, or stuff that you are worried he’s not going to like, or stuff he’s going to judge you on, or...etc.

And from your T’s perspective (because it already sounds inappropriate to me personally!), that is going to influence an already unequal power balance even more in their favour.

So...worth a conversation. Most likely that could lead to further healing, and an even more solid relationship with your T.

 

[Kubash16]

This is a tough one. I think safe touch can be extremely healing but I also think it can be downright detrimental. I’m torn, neither of my T’s have ever touched me at all. I’m really not cool with touching in general. I started to kind of want it from my first T but not enough to ask for it and I think I knew in the back of my mind that I would get obsessed with it and it would completely turn Therapy on its heels. My current T? I like her a lot, but if she never touches me at all in years I will be just fine with it. I think now, since I’ve built a lot of trust and rapport with her, I could handle the occasional hug. But it would be too weird if it became a regular thing. I’m really torn on this- but one thing I do agree with everyone else is this definitely should be a topic of discussion.

 

[sunshinedaydream]

I can’t imagine a hug from my T, though he will tap on my knee (after asking) if I am getting the blurry fuzzy disconnected feelings to help bring me back.

I hope there’s a way you can ask the T. I hope so.

 

[Skywatcher]

My therapist introduced hugs and it’s pretty obvious to me that it was part of my treatment plan. I have so much shame and I hid what happened to me from friends and family for decades. My T now knows quite a bit and is still okay touching me. I’m learning to accept hugs, actually feel comfort from them and pass hugs on to friends and family. It’s still hard for me to relax into and fully enjoy a hug with anyone but my husband and children. However, a few of my therapist hugs have felt good. I rest my head into her shoulder and she holds me the way a mother would.