Sexual Assault Humiliation & Degradation Part Of My Sexual Abuse Seems Worse Than The Actual Assault?

[-lemurlibs91-]

I find it hard to talk about any of it, but I am trying to write/type because I really need some support/understanding/insight into this. This is a kind of very much abridged version, and I can't write a lot of it so I've just sort of...implied.

Basically when I was 19, I was dating a guy I met at a pub and on our first date, when we were at his flat and I went to sit down on a seat, he said that I didn't belong there, that I should know my place (on the floor at his feet). His (much much older) flatmate walked in when I was in the middle of, um, caring for him and they just chatted as if I wasn't there and when I stopped (totally embarrassed and confused), the guy I was dating got mad and physically made me carry on while he spoke to his flatmate.

For some reason unknown to human kind I went back on more "dates", only by the second one he was...(apparently it counts as) r**ing me. As I had only been with one guy before and not..."there", I got quite injured. He had confiscated my clothes and said I couldn't have them back until I cleaned everything. He was really mad. I was so humiliated. And because I had dissociated during the actual assault I was really disoriented. The same thing happened next time, and again and again. The flatmate ended up being involved, having walked in on it happening the first time and commenting "nice one" to the guy.

Why is it that it's the comments and the instructions/getting cross from the guy that totally makes me sick to my stomach when I feel pretty indifferent to the actual acts. I frequently wake up just after I've gone to sleep, crying hysterically because I've had a flashback to cleaning and I feel exactly how I felt at the time.

I'm now totally terrified of blood, tea (the drink), kimonos, leather sofas, blue office chairs.....etc etc....it's completely ridiculous that those are the things that devastate me.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

I can relate to the humiliation part being worse than SA, I have been R 6 times as far as I can recall, and one of those was a gang R, but 3 came from one place I was at 2 were by peer clients there and 1 by a staff member, but the worse part and that which did the most damage to me mentally was the mental abuse. I had all 3 forms of abuse there.

 

[Gaining-clarity]

It's not ridiculous at all. I'm sorry that you've been through this. Really.

I don't think it's ridiculous at all that these things bother you, even more than the other things. I can relate. I was raped and ridiculed at the same time. Laughed at... I'm dying. He thinks it's funny, and is making up rhymes. It's a sadistic person who will do that, and for me, it's that sadistic element that completely baffles me. There's something so sick about it that it can be the dominant thing in the mind. It makes things so much worse to know that the perpetrator was more than violent.

But when I'm having flashbacks, it's not there. When I'm having flashbacks I see and hear him ridiculing and laughing, but my experience doesn't care about it more than surviving. I'm fighting for my life. I don't know what that means, or if it relates to you, but maybe there is more that will come into view? Maybe it means we/I have disconnected from the rape, and when disconnected the sadism is what is most horrible. But when connected to the experience, the rape meant life or death, and the sadism falls back a little too the violence?

I don't know.

The sadism is sick. And because it is so against what we expect from people, it stands out. I find it bewildering.

I don't feel like much help for you. I just wanted to respond and say I'm sorry.

Nothing is ridiculous about how you respond to your experience. It's just you. There are reasons for it. I believe that as you heal, your response will make more sense to you, and it won't seem ridiculous at all. Rather, it will just keep making more and more sense.

You're not alone. And I think your response to your experience it's very reasonable.

It shouldn't have happened. He shouldn't have done that. You didn't do anything wrong. You did the best you could. It would be a real mind trip to be thrown so fast into that situation. Nobody is equipped to deal with that. Human beings just aren't meant for these things and we can only do the best we can do.

I'm glad you made it out. And I'm glad you're here. Good job!

 

[claroscuro]

I've experienced physical, sexual, and psychological (mental and emotional) abuse, and I have come to realize that it's the psychological abuses that mess me up the most now.

I still find it hard to really comprehend how it has such a profoundly devastating effect, maybe because there isn't anything tangible about it, it's just there, like a ghost.

I think it ultimately boils down to the dehumanization, being treated like an object, something of little or no worth, that makes it harder to deal with. For me, the physical abuse took away my sense of safety, the sexual abuse ruined things I am still trying to piece together, but the psychological abuse erased me; my sense of self, my sense of worth, and shattered any solid foundation I may have had prior to those abuses.

 

[Friday]

The worst parts of my worst traumas were never what people imagine them to be.

 

[Sideways]

Psychological elements, sadistic elements, being much more pronounced and painful as symptoms of my ptsd? Absolutely relate to that.

And yeah, my most dysfunctional trigger is grey carpet.

You're not alone. With you and what you've expressed completely.

 

[-lemurlibs91-]

Thank you all for your replies. It helps to know that even though it doesn't make sense to me right now, other people have similar experience/feeling.

It makes things so much worse to know that the perpetrator was more than violent.

Yeah totally. It makes it more than someone having lost their temper/it somehow seems more calculated.

But when I'm having flashbacks, it's not there. When I'm having flashbacks I see and hear him ridiculing and laughing, but my experience doesn't care about it more than surviving. I'm fighting for my life. I don't know what that means, or if it relates to you, but maybe there is more that will come into view? Maybe it means we/I have disconnected from the rape, and when disconnected the sadism is what is most horrible. But when connected to the experience, the rape meant life or death, and the sadism falls back a little too the violence?

Sometimes in my flashbacks of the actual R I know I feel fear...but I don't really FEEL it, feel it. I feel more...shocked/stunned. Whereas I feel strongly ashamed and humiliated when I have flashbacks of most other aspects of what happened.

I think it ultimately boils down to the dehumanization, being treated like an object, something of little or no worth, that makes it harder to deal with.

Totally got it in one. It's like it screwed with what little self worth I already had and made it literally impossible to like myself or to think I deserve anything. Like right now I'm in a total mess about my birthday coming up, because people are trying to organise things and I can't think of anything worse than things being all about me. Especially right now, when I'm really finding things tough.

The worst parts of my worst traumas were never what people imagine them to be.

This makes a lot of sense. My partner is really supportive and is great with me even when I randomly burst into tears or cuddle up with my toys and am unable to speak, or collapse/throw up/shake uncontrollably when I've encountered a trigger. But he just can't get his head round this being worse than the actual R.

 

[Ronin]

*

(For: Yes, relating. & It was/is entirely different things gutting me about those things than people tend to assume it would be.)

my most dysfunctional trigger is grey carpet.

I lost it over an orange ball multiple times in the past (what month is it) week. Soo not alone.

 

[WildernessScout]

I find it hard to talk about any of it, but I am trying to write/type because I really need some...

Hello Dear One

BEING Addicted to abuse is humiliating. It is called the BETRAYAL BOND IN WHICH we become traumatically bonded to our abuser.. The we wake up to realize we are addicted to abuse. Awareness is the first step. I admire your courage to break the silence and the dysfunctional patterns of keeping secrets.


keep up the good work.

 

[-lemurlibs91-]

Thank you @WildernessScout for your encouragement. It's really hard and I'm a complete mess at the moment....even though it's been like 4 years. The whole aspect of it where you do things that seem not to make sense, and that enable the abuse to continue totally baffles me. I wouldn't blame anyone else for doing it, because I know there would be reasons, but for me it's just....it doesn't sit right that I went back..repeatedly. It makes me feel like it's my own fault. And that seems to make the whole thing, including the humiliation, worse because I feel like I LET that happen so I'm not entitled to be upset, let alone traumatised.

My most inconvenient trigger is bathrooms :facepalm:. Although I have totally lost my s**t over someone making me tea instead of coffee. I threw it across the room and it smashed. Epic fail. Try explaining that to a room of people...

 

[Friday]

I threw it across the room and it smashed. Epic fail. Try explaining that to a room of people...

Spider.

 

[-lemurlibs91-]

Spider.

Pahhahaha @Friday - they'd have believed that as well cos I'm terrified of them!! Typical that at the time I wasn't in the best of frames of mind so couldn't think of anything to say...not a word!