General Hurting.. Crying ... Alone

[May1321]

At times it seems like the closer we get, the more he pulls away. It can drive you crazy because those are the moments you think you should be taking a step forward but you take two steps back. Trying to figure out how to respond is the hardest part but if you can respond with taking care of YOU even more then you'll have gained that much more next time it happens. I just have to believe that. I'm never going to leave me. And I've been left empty by others which makes it much harder to see the light when we're in our moments of the most growth.

Sending you all the virtual heart strength I possibly can... Do something for you... or a lot of things.

 

[Francis Cory]

Nerdanna, when you said that I was important I almost cried. I haven't had anyone tell me that in a while. So thank you very much for that. And I am sorry to hear that your situation is similar. I just keep trying to remind myself that God does not give us anything we can't handle. May1321, finding the way to respond is definitely hard. It seems that no matter what I try it doesn't work. If I try to give him his space he thinks I want to leave him and if I try to talk to him he says I'm smothering him. I am trying to do things for myself. Because no matter what, no matter where he goes, or how long he stays gone, I'm still here and I still have a child to take care of. So I need to stay strong. I know that if I continue to let myself fall apart I will not be strong enough. It's just hard to be strong for 2 other people when your emotionally exhausted. I have a gym membership and I was going twice a day for a while, but once this phase started up I stopped that for about a week. I started going once a day this week. At least that is something to get me up and out of my pajamas and in public. Lol....Thank you for the heart strength. I know I will be needing it. I'm very proud of you for not leaving you. It is a hard battle and you are a strong person...Thank you for lending me some of your strength...

 

[sad2010]

Francis, kudos for making it to the gym once a week, that is awesome. I had a personal trainer had been with her for about 9 mos, then when the PTSD kicked in, I was so consumed with trying to understand what he was doing, I took some time off, well now it has been over 6 mos since I stopped and I feel so bad about it . The trainer is also a dear friend so she is still supporting. I know I would feel better, but this has consumed me, drained me, i think about exercising and I just cry, i do manage to walk on a really nice trail, but that is it. You are an inspiration for me, if you can make it once a week, I can too,, I dont have children, so there is no excuse. For everyone that has posted, I am with you in spirit, and I am so thankful I found a "place" where I can visit to vent, to learn, and realize that i am not the only one.... I feel safe here, where i can unload my brain of all the fear, sadness, stress, worry, and recharge to face this battle...

 

[eyebiter]

I am a sufferer of ptsd, have been for 4 years. I just wanted to let you know things can get better! I am not the person I was 4 years or more ago, but I am me. I have got to the point were I can hug my wife, give her a kiss, and tell her I love her and thank her for staying with me through this. It is still hard for me to do this, but I know it is the right things to do. I can not get any more intimate that this at this point, but hope that day will come. You may ask what is he trying to say? All I can say is with HELP we can come along way! Hag in there

 

[Tj's Paradigm Shift]

Every post I've read so far strikes a chord. It's a relief not to feel so internally isolated as is the case with ptsd in general. It's very hard for people that don't have ptsd to understand the distance factor. No one sets out to be detached, it's just part and parcel of ptsd. The confusion that stems from that is horrible as is not being understood. Having endured ptsd for 4 decades before finally seeking out counseling 5 years ago, I realize how important it is to reach out. Before counseling, it was like never having a voice or an outlet. Collectively, I was a non-entity. My counselor continues to help me grasp and implement what a paradigm shift is. I am so indebted to her. Not just in a professional capacity but as a human being as well :)

 

[Angus McGee]

Francis, I too know EXACTLY what you're going through. My wife and I have been married for 21 years, and she developed acute PTSD last November. The days since have been a living hell for both of us. Recently, she has taken the step of getting her own apartment to isolate. She won't even let me come near her. I reached for her hand to say grace at a restaurant we met at the other day, and she pulled away from me. I tell her I love her, and either get silence in reply, or an "I know you do". I asked her if she would be comfortable with a hug a couple of weeks ago, and got an emphatic "NO!" in reply.

I, like you, miss her. I do still love her, and her absence is devastating.

I'm sorry, but there's no easy fix. There's nothing simple that can be done from our side of things except to grow a thicker skin, and continue to love them, and pray for them in spite of the lack of reponse.

I asked my wife, "How best can I support you? How can I show you that I love you and not smother you?" I've yet to hear back on that one. Perhaps that question, or one like it would work for you.

Is your husband open to therapy? There are some promising treatments out there that might help. One is called EMDR. I encourage you to Google it.

All the best,

AMcG

 

[IvyMillie]

It is so hard when you want something back, some reassurance or some comfort and you don't get it. I had so many times that I cried myself to sleep. My husband still can't really give me much back, but I know he loves me. It's like he is injured and there are some things he can't do.

Sometimes they express their love for us in different ways. It might not be a hug (what we really want), but in some other way they will show it. Although, when I was needy my husband would say "I support you don't I? That's how I show I love you." As sad as that might be from my perspective it is true for him.

I actually had to go through a very long mourning period realizing that my relationship would never be what I had wanted from a marriage. I had to accept that I wouldn't get the support and comfort I needed. I had to be stronger than I ever wanted to be. This took a number of years and I still have moments of saddness.

However, I don't think any relationship with anyone is going to be perfect and when you make that commitment you are committing to a whole lot of unknowns. I also had to really think about the commitment I had made and that I needed to try and work it out even if it wasn't always going to be easy.

We've been married over 20 years and it is still hard for me at times, but you do adjust and adapt. In some ways it has made me a stronger person. I'm more emotionally independant. I've also learned to take care of myself in a lot of ways.

Probably the other important phase I went through was when I realized that I couldn't control his reactions and his moods. I quit blaming myself.

Now, I'm learning to not have so much guilt. He tends to try to blame things on me. Now, I just ignore it more. I kind of don't put up with it like I used to. This forum is helping me with this phase.

One other thing that maybe helps me is that I have an illness called Multiple Chemical Sensitivity so that has made our life very difficult also. I tend to joke that I have my physical illness and he has his mental illness.

I think that is what marriage is long-term that each will have to put up with things that are unforseen. Each person will have to give in the relationship.

So Francis I hope you can take heart and realize that even though his behavior hurts you, that he does love you, he just isn't able to express it in ways that you need right now. Many of the ones with PTSD have gotten help and are able to be more demostrative. I hope the best for you.

 

[PrincessFiona]

Francis. I have been going through similar things for 5 years. My hubby told me and the kids to leave 5 years ago.... then its been I want you back/go away ever since in 3 month intervals I can plot on a calander. Only now he doesn't even tell me he is going he just disappears and withdraws. On facebook he becomes single and every photo of me is deleted. It used to absolutely devastate me. I could never grasp how someone who was supposed to love me was the one to hurt me.

We are going through another cycle now. This time I have managed to breathe through it. I keep a folder of "good times" photos on the computer so if I ever start waivering, they are there to remind me the man I love is still in there somewhere and to not give up. I also have saved text messages from when he is good that say how much he loves me and misses me etc. It might sound silly but it does help me get through the yukky times.

Its not easy but it is better than it used to be and that's because I am now armed with knowledge and I know who my support is. It is even to the point that the worse he becomes the better I get at handling the fallout on my end.
It turns out we are not really alone in this. There are so many who live the life we do. I hope toay was a better day for you.

Take care and be kind to you.

 

[Navy Spouse]

I know how all of you feel and I find myself thinking I miss my husband even when he's with me and I definitely "miss us". I also rely on photos of good times and old emails sent by him to remind me he really does love me. He tells me he loves me but the emotion isn't behind it in the say way it was. It's sad and lonely.

 

[IvyMillie]

I think that it is great that you have things to remind you of the good times. That's great that you saved those things and can cherish them so much. I'm glad too that he still tells you that he loves you.

I think we all can share your loneliness and sadness. It is not an easy thing for sure.

 

[Jodi]

I am reading all of these posts and just crying. I feel like all of you are telling my story. It is so hard and like all of you have said I also keep the nice notes or e-mails from him. Sometimes reading them makes me mad because I want the man I was with before back.

We just got through a stint of him not wanting to be with me or even hang out with me and it is so hurtful. Just last week he said he was getting us tickets to go see a band and then when I asked him if he got the tickets he said yes I got two one for him and one of his guys friend. He said that he didn't remember saying I could go. He said it is just a guys night now. I know he said he was getting me a ticket because I have the text message. It is so frustrating. He has become so secretive lately too. It makes me nervous. What is he doing? Is he cheating on me or talking to someone. And then he tells me that I am being insecure.... maybe I am. Everything I say he turns it around on me like it is my fault.

Sorry I am rambling. So in short Francis I know how you feel and I know how hard it is. I have been trying to read some books and am trying to take care of myself, as hard as that is sometimes. I also am going to go to talk to a counselor tomorrow that is familiar with ptsd so I am hoping that helps. So hang in there! I will be praying for you!

 

[PrincessFiona]

I know it sounds terrible but its so nice not be be "alone" in how I feel.

I miss him even when I am sitting beside him. He sounds the same, he smells the same and looks almost the same but hes gone. For most of the year anyway. The only reason I hang on is that every 3 months give or take a day or two he will be back for a little bit. Its like the love of your life returning from the dead and you just want to hug him and hold him and tell him everything that happened in the time he was away. Then before you know it he's gone again.... or you sit there and wonder how long it will be till he's gone again. He is always so sorry when he's back... and I know at that very point in time he is sorry and he means it.... He is just not capable of making sure it doesn't happen again. Because of this illness we now live 5 hours apart. :(

When hes gone, I feel such a mix of emotions. I feel loss and grief like he has died all over again. Then I get angry because if he really loved me he would not put me through this or put the kids through this. Then I snap out of it and realise he can't help it. I try my hardest now not to react when he sends me emails that would make anyone else cringe. When he accuses me of things that are not true I must remember to breathe and not react. I make sure that everytime he interacts with me that I chuck in an "I love you" because I do and I shouldnt have to completely change my habits just cause he hates me this week. Besides it diffuses the argument and annoys the living crap out of him so it's a small but funny victory.

I miss my husband. Right now I am the enemy. He hasn't even spoken to his son for 7 weeks because he no longer feels a cannection or love for him. This is a new development. Hasn't been like this before so there is a part of me that is worried. But there is nothing I can do. In a perfect world this would never have happened and my beautiful husband would be sitting here beside me. I know he will never be the same again but surely it has to get better than this. His quality of life is pretty crap right now and I want him to have the best chance at a life he can tolerate. To have him back as part of this family unit would be a blessing but I try not to expect anything, then I don't get let down.
The doctor's answer to everything is increase the meds or better still heres another one to take on top of what your already taking. Its all reactive and no one is addressing the cause only the symptoms. I get angry with them because to them he is a case or a folder. They get to go home to their loved ones, he doesn't and we don't have him right now. One of the psychologists told me to stay where I am and enjoy my life and try again in 5 years. To me thats 5 years too late.

So yes I keep lots of things. When I accidentaly washed my phone and lost a lot of irreplaceable messages I cried. He thought I was being ridiculous because it's only a phone. He has no idea I keep them. I don't want him to feel pressured to make them special. Once he bought me a spray of fake frangipani flowers because they are my favourite but they were not in season. It was after a therapy session where it dawned on him what I have gone through. Those flowers are probably one of the most important possessions I have. But I think only you guys would understand why. I keep anniversary cards especially. Some years I get them, others I dont. It depends on where he is on the rollercoaster when the anniversary comes around. They are special to me because even though we have spent more years apart than together, we still haven't gone down the D path. Somehow no matter how bad it gets something always brings us back together.

People ask me why I have stayed in the marriage. It's simple. I said in sickness and health and to death we do part. I also know that if the situation was reversed I would not want my loved ones to give up on me. So we battle on, and I do everything that I know he would want me to do if he could speak to me now.... look after the kids, look after you when I can't and don't take my crap!

Sorry to ramble.... tonight it just seems that the words will flow and I am speaking to someone who understands. :)