captain jigglypuff
Not Active
I joined because I’ve been through so many traumatic things in my life all before I even turned 30. I have been struggling for years with trying to deal with all of it. Some of my trauma is difficult to hear or possibly relate to but I need to be able to talk about it freely. I’m also autistic.
I guess I’ll begin with the trauma I have from my dad’s secretary and my abuser who is now deceased. She volunteered to help my dad raise my sister and me after our mom left us and that’s where all the problems began. From the very start, my abuser (I’m not sure if I can use real names here) planted seeds of manipulation and control over me by telling me all the time that my mom didn’t want me or even a son and that I could always trust my abuser. I was four years old and still too young to understand the world around me. Of course I’m going to believe what she said because I didn’t know any better. She was so loving and caring and nice towards me until I turned ten when she slowly started the abuse. She’d punish me by slapping my face and she called it “spanking.” The abuse became verbal and emotional as I grew older. She used my autism as a way to keep me under her control as an adult. I only managed to escape from her after she physically attacked me. I will explain more of what she would do to me at a later point.
The second most traumatic thing I’ve been struggling with is my entire high school years. I was sexually assaulted and severely bullied and then victim blamed by all the adults including the school psychologist. It got so bad tha5 I tried to kill myself one day in class but couldn’t go through with it and I noticed that no one had even noticed my crisis or even tried to stop me or talk to me. No one cared about me. The car accident the popular kid had right before our senior year also severely traumatized me because of the thoughts I had begun to have. I began to self injure myself just to stop the thoughts and forced them to leave me alone for awhile.
And then there were the months of me being sexually assaulted by a classmate and he was barely punished for it the first time. Yes you read that correctly. There was a first time that actually happened right in front of others. No one made me feel safe afterwards or even tell me my rights and that it was okay if I didn’t want to talk about it yet. I kept trying so hard to repress the memories of the assaults for years. I was victim blamed for it after I kept refusing to talk about the assaults because I was still in denial about it and blamed myself and believed that I had done something to deserve it. Adults kept trying to force me to talk about it. I eventually became so paranoid in that class that I refused to turn my back on anyone and refused to leave when the bell rang until I knew that it was only me and the teacher left behind. They all said that I was doing this for “attention.” I didn’t tell anyone that 5he assaults kept happening because I knew no one would believe me without any physical proof and I couldn’t be sure that anyone would believe me and not blame me for being a victim. It took fifteen years before I finally told someone because I couldn’t take it anymore. I can’t get any justice because I missed my state’s statute of limitations by two years because no one told me that I even had the right still to file a complaint. I often blame myself for the kid still being out on the streets and I’m afraid that anyone else he has hurt like he did to me is my fault. I’ve developed a fear of going to the doctor for the past two years because I’m afraid that I’ll be told that I need a prostate exam and that terrifies me because that’s exactly how I was being sexually assaulted.
I can’t find anyone who is interested in me after two weeks and all we do is talk and I’m so lonely. I’m afraid to make new friends and open up and let them get to know me because my best friend abandoned me literally a week after my mom had died from cancer and that broke me so much for five years that I stopped cleaning my apartment because I didn’t see what the po8nt was anymore and became really really depressed. I got evicted and everyone thought I was being too lazy to clean even though I kept saying that I didn’t see the point of cleaning anymore and showed signs of serious depression. I’m afraid that people won’t like me if I’m myself.
I guess I’ll begin with the trauma I have from my dad’s secretary and my abuser who is now deceased. She volunteered to help my dad raise my sister and me after our mom left us and that’s where all the problems began. From the very start, my abuser (I’m not sure if I can use real names here) planted seeds of manipulation and control over me by telling me all the time that my mom didn’t want me or even a son and that I could always trust my abuser. I was four years old and still too young to understand the world around me. Of course I’m going to believe what she said because I didn’t know any better. She was so loving and caring and nice towards me until I turned ten when she slowly started the abuse. She’d punish me by slapping my face and she called it “spanking.” The abuse became verbal and emotional as I grew older. She used my autism as a way to keep me under her control as an adult. I only managed to escape from her after she physically attacked me. I will explain more of what she would do to me at a later point.
The second most traumatic thing I’ve been struggling with is my entire high school years. I was sexually assaulted and severely bullied and then victim blamed by all the adults including the school psychologist. It got so bad tha5 I tried to kill myself one day in class but couldn’t go through with it and I noticed that no one had even noticed my crisis or even tried to stop me or talk to me. No one cared about me. The car accident the popular kid had right before our senior year also severely traumatized me because of the thoughts I had begun to have. I began to self injure myself just to stop the thoughts and forced them to leave me alone for awhile.
And then there were the months of me being sexually assaulted by a classmate and he was barely punished for it the first time. Yes you read that correctly. There was a first time that actually happened right in front of others. No one made me feel safe afterwards or even tell me my rights and that it was okay if I didn’t want to talk about it yet. I kept trying so hard to repress the memories of the assaults for years. I was victim blamed for it after I kept refusing to talk about the assaults because I was still in denial about it and blamed myself and believed that I had done something to deserve it. Adults kept trying to force me to talk about it. I eventually became so paranoid in that class that I refused to turn my back on anyone and refused to leave when the bell rang until I knew that it was only me and the teacher left behind. They all said that I was doing this for “attention.” I didn’t tell anyone that 5he assaults kept happening because I knew no one would believe me without any physical proof and I couldn’t be sure that anyone would believe me and not blame me for being a victim. It took fifteen years before I finally told someone because I couldn’t take it anymore. I can’t get any justice because I missed my state’s statute of limitations by two years because no one told me that I even had the right still to file a complaint. I often blame myself for the kid still being out on the streets and I’m afraid that anyone else he has hurt like he did to me is my fault. I’ve developed a fear of going to the doctor for the past two years because I’m afraid that I’ll be told that I need a prostate exam and that terrifies me because that’s exactly how I was being sexually assaulted.
I can’t find anyone who is interested in me after two weeks and all we do is talk and I’m so lonely. I’m afraid to make new friends and open up and let them get to know me because my best friend abandoned me literally a week after my mom had died from cancer and that broke me so much for five years that I stopped cleaning my apartment because I didn’t see what the po8nt was anymore and became really really depressed. I got evicted and everyone thought I was being too lazy to clean even though I kept saying that I didn’t see the point of cleaning anymore and showed signs of serious depression. I’m afraid that people won’t like me if I’m myself.
