I am a rotten person

[mylunareclipse]

Thank you.

It helps to feel understood. It's what sometimes I find hard hard in my daily life. Someone who understands. Being here helps.

 

[ladee]

Very happy to see you are feeling a little better... making our bodies move is the hardest thing in the world when we are at that stage off despair...but you did it.. you decided.... that is very empowering,tho it may not FEEL that way. Prayers if you accept, for tiny building blocks to continue your journey. Thank you for sharing this.. when I was where you are, I did not have this place to come to.... so, you reached out.... and you were heard. That's all we need sometimes, is to be heard, and not shamed for feeling what we feel.... hope another walk is in your plans today.... gentle hugs if you accept.

 

[mylunareclipse]

Thank you ladee. I am glad to have found this place. I don't have a good support system, so at times posting here has been a lifesaver to get that little bit of hope.

 

[Teasel]

so at times posting here has been a lifesaver to get that little bit of hope.

Vital sometimes ain't it
Best X

 

[JudyB]

Lately I have been feeling more and more that I deserve to die.

I am a completely useless human...

Lately I have been feeling more and more that I deserve to die.

I am a completely useless human...

Nobody is a completely useless human, NOBODY! Please know that there is a person or people that would be devastated without you. Even a person with nobody in their life, has a use to someone on their journey through this crazy little thing call life. Please hang in there, not only for yourself but for those that care... It will get better!

God bless...and my prayers are with you.

 

[Gdaughter]

I am new to this. I'm experiencing the same predicament in my life right now and what I'm learning from observing the yuk about me is that it's definitely

You're not alone

 

[Robert Matthias]

Lately I have been feeling more and more that I deserve to die.

I am a completely useless human...

Why do you feel this way . Who have you intentionally hurt besides yourself. What is so bad about you that you feel and think this way. No one who is innocent of any crime deserves to die. I need to know more so that we can talk about your feelings of self hate and why . Many have been in a place that you describe that deep black void that you have slipped into. But you can escape and live a good life. So when someone reaches out to you grasp their hand tightly and hold on tight and you will be freed

 

[Marisea]

How are you today? I too have experienced total despair in my badness or wrongness. I think now with therapy I have come to accept it's just part of ptsd and not who I am. The feelings of not fighting it or having the fight within me anymore I find quite scary too. I wondered the other day if this is just my body begging me to have down time so it can heal and relax. I wonder if you can let yourself just be without thinking for a few minutes. Taking a long bath and trying breathing exercises helps me sometimes. Also I try to read something or play solitaire. All these things add up. Perhaps one day you will find a therapist who will help you see you are not bad at all but deeply hurt and traumatised. Big hugs to you

 

[Teasel]

I was just thinking about it. Most people that I know of who go on about being a bad person (self included) are abused people.

The abusers think they are just fine and dandy.....

Irritating isn't it.

What I mean is only good people are concerned about being bad. X

 

[mylunareclipse]

Ah the thing is in today's society we call fine and dandy : "confident" ; doesn't matter how abusive they were.

I have been suicidal since I was 11 years old and I never knew that this was not normal. Lately, I have come to accept that life is not meant to be this hard.

I am a bit better these days, though I am giving in to behaviors I wish I didn't.

I thought my problems in the last few years had to do with deep family rejection ie. father wishing I was dead and mother telling me she would kill herself and it would be my fault. I have since managed to have a slight relationship with them. Some deep work bullying then brought me over the edge. I didn't know how to handle being successful and people hurting me for this. I was willing to give anything just so people would accept and like me.

Now, I am just left alone I feel no connection to my family and none at work. I feel like I want to hide and not exist. I feel like if I didn't exist people would be better and happier without me. It doesn't help I guess that weird abuse memories have come back into my memory and I hear on repeat that I deserve to die...

It's complicated. But yes I feel like a freak. I wish I could just be normal. I don't even really accept I have a mental illness either, as this is how I have been all my life...

 

[Marisea]

I like what Bearlinda said. People who aren't kind or reflective or compassionate don't worry about being bad people. You Wishforescape do. So you are not bad. Some part of your brain has been wired to believe you are bad. The therapist I'm seeing is have a bit of a hard time convincing me I am not bad. Really all the evidence points to me not being bad but I dissociate when I feel under attack or threatened and this can lead to misunderstanding. However I'm learning to have compassion for myself as I learned to dissociate when I was very young probably a baby and I did this to survive. This is a form of mental illness but I believe my brained wired that way after repeated stress. I really think I get where you are at and it helps me understand that horror I've been through reading about your suffering. I too thought about suicide from the age of 8. I tried it twice. That God I'm still here but yes like you I often feel different and weird and a freak. But I know this is old conditioning and I am recognising the voices that tell me these horrible things about myself. And yes it is soooo tiring. But I believe I am getting better. One step forward and ten steps back. Like a turtle I'll get to peace and self love which is every humans right and I believe you can too with the right help. Hugs

 

[Teasel]

Ah the thing is in today's society we call fine and dandy : "confident" ; doesn't matter how abusive they were.

Speak for yourself :-) I think more people dislike abusers than admire them for their confidence. Certainly there have been good changes since I was a child.

I am sorry for all you've been through. And relate muchly to having wanted more than anything to feel accepted by others.

I understand why I was like that - I was profoundly rejected for years.

But I also realise that continuing to live as if being accepted by others is more important than anything will not be good for me or make me or anyone else happy.

As a kid it was vitally important. As an adult now, it's vitally important to learn to accept myself, look after myself etc.