Sufferer I Am A Survivor Of A School Shooting

[carharjo]

I am a survivor of a school shooting.

(Ouf! That was hard to say...)

I was 17 when it happened. Now I am 24 and have finally graduated from university. It was hell having to go into the same environment as my trauma every day for the last 7 years. I have done many years of therapy and I am on Effexor XR - and not a light dose either. I have struggled with accepting my new life. I have struggled with every change in the road. I burned out 3/4 of the way through a degree in Conflict Studies and Human Rights. I really wanted to change the world so that no one had to go through the pain that I have. But talking about genocide every day and being told there is no solution, trying to live on my own and away from my support network in a different city, I was headed for disaster. Add to it a therapist who abandoned me in the middle of treatment without providing me with a replacement, and a mother going into surgery; my life, and my mental health, was falling apart.

It has been four years since I had to drop out of that program and move home to start again. I eased my way through a degree in English literature - a passion I'd long abandoned - taking my time, being careful not to overload myself and learning to accept help in the form of doctor's notes and extensions. My perfectionism and need to accomplish this goal often worked against me. Nevertheless, thanks to my wonderful family, I have finally completed all of my courses and will be walking the stage to accept my diploma and prove my shooter wrong in May.

Though most of my symptoms have subsided, or can be managed, I still have bouts of depression, anxiety and panic. Fear is still at my heels. I find new triggers all the time, and I am still learning about my PTSD and how it affects my life.

 

[JarHed]

Hey Carharjo

I'm deeply saddened to hear of your experience. I am glad, though,that you survived.

I have to also congratulate you on going on to get your degree. A tough thing without what you're dealing with. The struggle with PTSD is a long one, I hate to say. I'm a combat vet from VietNam so I speak from experience. It takes time, and you have to allow yourself that, to learn how to best deal with all these things. Perhaps some therapy, if you're not in it already, would be a help at this time.

I do know that being in the place where your trauma occurred must have been more painful than I can imagine. Somehow, though, you managed to get through it. Sometimes when we are dealing with the affects of PTSD we can forget how far we've come and what we've accomplished to get there.

And don't give up on trying to change the world, the world needs people like you that want to do that. Even helping one person can have a positive affect on things. It's really how the world changes, not by governments or presidents, but by caring people willing to help. Everyday is full of new challenges for us with PTSD and sometimes it's just putting one foot in front of the other. My best hopes and wishes go out to you in this struggle. This is a great place and there are great people here as well.

JarHed

 

[Ed Norton]

Welcome and congratulations on your graduation. It seem like a long hard road you went on. I like encouraging stories.

 

[carharjo]

Thank you both (JarHed and Ed Norton). I had never posted anywhere online, or talked to others with PTSD. Your responses reassured me that it was the right thing to do.

 

[sarafina]

I am a survivor of a school shooting

I am sorry you experienced this. About seven years ago my daughter was attending college where there was a school shooting. A man with untreated mental health issues shot many students and killed one. My daughter had been planning to go to the computer room not long before the shooting began. It was very close to where students were shot. She decided instead to go to a nearby park to eat her. I was so thankful that she did not hear the gunshots. But later she went to find out what happened. There was a false report that there was a second gunman outside and a crowd of students started to run in panic. She did get caught up in that even though she was in no actual danger. It turned out that the alleged second gunman was an undercover security guy who was there to protect the students in case of another shooter outside the college. One of my daughter's friends actually heard gunshots, but left the building, and she shared her locker with a girl who was shot 8 times, thankfully none of the bullets went through any vital organs and she recovered suprisingly quickly.

My daughter has been diagnosed with clinical depression. I had not really thought of the possibility that she could have delayed PTSD. Because it was several years ago I had kind of forgotten what she went through but my own experiences at a peaceful protest have made me more sensitive about the issue of PTSD. Since you have shared this it has given me the idea that I should tell my daughter to make sure her psychiatrist knows that she is a survivor of a school shooting that ran in panic believing that someone wanted to shoot her. This could be very helpful for her and I thank you for sharing what you went through as it has not only helped me but may help my daughter as well.

I would like to hear of other traumatic experiences involving guns or crowd panic as I identify most with these. Being anywhere near people with guns is scary as happened to me at a peaceful protest in which police arrested many. I have had a police phobia and scary dreams about weapons since then. My symptoms are more mild and subsiding but I am still seeking help as this is a new experience for me.

I wish you well in your future endeavors. Congratulations (in advance) for getting your diploma and for your courage!

 

[carharjo]

Thank you Sarafina.

Your daughter's story sounds eerily similar to mine. Was it by chance at Dawson College in Montreal? I was in the locker room at the time of the shooting and could hear everything. There were even moments that we thought we were being shot at. After being evacuated, we heard the same rumors and were even locked down in the mall that is adjacent because of possible gunshots after the fact. The screams and the shots were enough to give me fairly severe PTSD. I would not be surprised to hear that your daughter has residual symptoms, even this far after. The depression I suffered from the very idea of losing my life and my friends, of my safety being shattered lasted a long time and comes and goes even now. Also, any information about previous traumas are something for her to explore with her psychiatrist. It may be hard, but those repressed (even if you aren't doing it consciously) events can have lasting effects.

I hope that you and your daughter will get through this - nay, I know you will! :)

 

[sarafina]

Yes!!! It was. Would it be okay for me to share what you have written with her? I will not do so if it bothers you and I do not even have to include your name- I would just print it out and tear off the name and the forum. But I won't even do this much without your okay. She has never spoken to me about it since the time it happened. I am so sorry you had to actually hear everything and know that you could be targetted. I went to the first 2 memorial services - did you go to the one where the tree with pink flowers was planted? I even wore pink when the college re-opened as many did. I also met the brother of a guy who has a piece of bullet stuck in his head.

One week later there was a fire-bombing at a Jewish school. Do you remember? I knew a family who had a son at the school - I was comforting her about what happened with her family and she was comforting me about what happened to mine. Things like this sweep away cultural differences. What the media did not report is that a group of kids had come up from New York and were visiting and had just left the Jewish school less than an hour earlier. Because it was the Sabbath it took awhile before those parents even knew their kids were okay.

 

[Maggiemay]

*Hugs*

Wow! What bravery you have shown - you should feel really proud! :)

I ended out dropping out of uni 10 years ago due to what then was labelled as BPD, but since been diagnosed with PTSD. I moved back home and lost direction. After lots of therapy I started working in a school and re-started my teacher training. Best decision I ever made and a big 'up yours' to my abusers - I refused to be a statistic!! Xxx

 

[sarafina]

I hope that you and your daughter get through this

Carharjo, forget what I said about printing out your message to show to my daughter. I forget sometimes how easily people can find forums and things and I do not really want her to be part of this forum discussion. I will only tell her in the most vague general terms that I have read something from a Dawson shooting survivor and ask if she ever had any kind of PTSD symptoms afterwards and if she has told her psychiatrist. I won't tell her where I read your story or any details.

 

[carharjo]

Its okay, Sarafina, I do not mind. My mom is very much like you. She has been very adamant about me expressing things, especially to her. She also was very affected by the shooting, but deals with it in a different way than I do. As much as there have been times when I felt she was pushing me too hard, I have learned to appreciate that she is doing it out of love. Maybe if you are going to show her, do it in a way that is more "hands-off". For example, instead of asking her to read it, just put it on her desk and mention you have put something there for her to consider. It can be quite overwhelming to feel pressured to talk about something, but to know that there are others out there may be helpful. But let her come to it on her own, that is the most important thing.

 

[carharjo]

MaggieMay, I know when I walk across the stage I will be yelling in my head "F*** You, A**hole!"
I know its crude, but man, will it feel good!

 

[sarafina]

It's okay, Sarafina

Thanks. It's just that I really do not feel comfortable having her read all my posts or commenting on them. I need the space for myself. I would find some other way to bring up the subject - mention a list of things that may have affected her that she might want to bring to the attention of her psychiatrist. I am not sure how she was able to get one in this province. She is doing better now than two months ago. Thank you for sharing your expereinces with your mom.