Relationship I Am At The End Of My Rope! Need To Vent

[living4jesus]

Why is my sufferer good one day and loving and the next he is completley the opposite! I feel like I am at my wits end with him!

I had such a bad day today, my parents were in a car accident totalled there car broke there hands, on top of it my mom has border line dementia so I take care of them. To make a long story short today was just awful for me and I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown from stress and I just broke down crying. When I was on the phone with my fiancee he was very compassionate because he knows what is going on with my parents and all I am going thru. But as the day progressed he became cold and mean on the phone to me( not to mentioned he had a bit of a rough weekend himself causing his PTSD to trigger). He started nitpicking on the things my kids do wrong that irritate him, and how he can never live with my kids(but when he is normal and having a good day he loves my kids to pieces) I dont get it! I am just so confused and every day I argue within myself to leave him or not to leave him. I mean won't this get a little better?

Oh, and then went on to say that he is finally realizing that he needs to go back to who he was. That he bottled up his feelings for 20 years and he needs to go back into the army. Now I know that he is a disabled vet Ranger from the gulf war and will not really be going back in, I know that it was just a PTSD moment.And this has been kept in him for 20 years and it is finally coming out of him now. But he needs to get treatment, he isn't in treatment and I have tried to tell him he needs to be in some sort of treatment to get thru this and he went for 6 weeks then stopped. I have been with him for four years, most of the four years has been marvelous, but since he has realized he has PTSD and let it out it has gotten worse. I will say tho, that there seems to be more good days then bad days. But that is between me and him. He rarely sees my kids anymore, and I think my kids trigger his PTSD. But he has kids as well. And personally my kids are very well behaved kids, they are loving, and they don't talk back, they do not have any anger issues. Why do I feel like I am defending my kids. Why do I feel like he is acting as if I didn't have kids then he would marry me. But then watch tomorrow or the next day or one day soon a day will come and he will be all loving again. But then he will go back and hurt me again with his words, making me feel like its hopeless. And today with all that happened to me and all I had to go thru today I was hoping that he wouldn't kick me when I am down so to speak. Maybe when I am having a bad day I need to avoid phone conversations with him. But honestly what is a relationship have if we cannot talk to each other. We don't live together, we live 30 minutes apart. And I dont see us moving in together in the near future. Ugh all of this is probably just me venting. But my thoughts and fears are valid and I cannot vent to anyone about this except on here. So I apologize if I am rambling or anything. I just feel like a mess today. I think my stress cup is full today. I also have generalized anxiety disorder so his PTSD triggers alot of stuff inside me of sometimes too. I just wanna cry or scream or something today!

Thanks for listening to me ramble. Sorry if I went on and on but it felt good to get it off my chest:D

 

[leweyoz]

Hey hug for you honey. As much as your cup was full today remember his cup is nearly brimming most days. The trigger on the weekend, trying to support you and then anything else like kids, just being kids is going to overflow.

It doesn't mean any one of those things have to be bad or wrong. It just means it is soemthing for his head to have to process and too much is too much. It could have been his brithday, he gets a new car, he wins a raffle and he would still have an overflowing cup and react.

Once again it's about him and not you and that hurts, it sucks big time, but it's reality. You really need to decide on your boundaries and what you want. So easy to say I know...

Just my thoughts, I am in a stable marriage of 18 yrs, I can't imagine how it must be trying to navigate newer relationships.

 

[myvetswife]

My husband got combat ptsd and I can't count the times where I told him he needs help and drove him to clinics cos he was so down. After 2 days he went back home, cos he thought he was healed. It took him nearly 20 years and a attempt su*d*d that he realised it takes more than 2 days. He is over 2 years under treatment. He still got his days but it got a lot better. Maybe he switched to an army level when you where on the phone with him trying to denie how bad that accident was to "protect" himself? I am so sorry what goes on on your side :(

 

[Nicolette]

I don't have much to give right now but I'm here.

 

[The Albatross]

L4V, I think you are making some excellent observations about your relationship. If you reread your post, there are some pretty big yellow flags. I'm glad you could get your thoughts and feelings out in a post. You're recognizing some causes for concern about your relationship... particularly his scapegoating your children. At times, me being PTSD, I am emotionally unavailable to my spouse... though I try really hard to be accountable and to be able to tell my husband when my mood is swinging, I'm not always successful. PTSD though, is not an excuse for behavior... your children need a consistent environment... not one that is dependent on his level of irritation. You are feeling this way because you are getting messaging from your fiance that is putting you there. You DO have children... he needs to accept it and behave accordingly, or bug out. I love you but I am not agreeing to let your PTSD or moods scapegoat me or my kids.

(Climbing way way out on a limb here, but I'm writing it the way I'm feeling it... speaking as a child whose mother partnered with a very volitile and moody father.) Just break it down and I think your man needs a reality check.

In recovery, my sponsor gave me a reality check, when she expressed sadness about my staying stuck in a volitle situation. My first husband was an alcoholic/addict and my present husband was actively black out drinking and is alcoholic but was not in recovery when I was getting sober. She told me, "It makes me very sad that you feel that this is what you deserve."

In my head, when my spouse starts playing old tapes, reverting to his "alcoholic mind"... I hear her and I tell him, "It makes me very sad that this is what you are feeling and that this is what you think we deserve." And I get presented with a choice... set a boundary, or teach him that I will accept his comments, volitility, behaviors and actions. I'm getting a whole lot better at setting boundaries and defending them kindly, lovingly and gently when they are transgressed or tested.

We teach people how to treat us. What are you teaching your fiance?

 

[The Albatross]

P.S. Speaking of booze... on the reread something clicked. Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde behavior - the alternate loving / then cold... how's he doing with booze or meds?

 

[living4jesus]

P.S. Speaking of booze... on the reread something clicked. Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde behavior - the alternate loving / then cold... how's he doing with booze or meds?

He actually drinks just about every day and uses drinking as a coping method for his PTSD. He is on no meds.Youre probably right the hot and cold is usualy having to do with the drinking as well. I try to avoid him when I know he has been drinking which is usually just about every evening. I know that is a bad thing. When he went to the VA and saw a one of the counselors they actually told him to drink to relax. How absurd! He was shocked at that too! But looking back since the day I met him he has had drinking issues and never admitted it. Now he admits it.

 

[living4jesus]

Thank you everyone. I know your all right. I had to vent last night, and I thank you all for listening and your advice. You all are the best!! :D

I am working on setting boundaries it is so hard,and I am so stressed about how he reacts about my kids right now that the mom in me is getting angry about it because yes, I am a mom first and foremost and my kids are my world. I am so confused tho, and just so overwhelmed this week and all the red flags I am seeing right now are making me question how much I can take anymore of this. I am not thinking clearly this week because of all the stress I am under so I think I will wait and deal with this with a clear mind in a few days, because right now I just feel like throwing the towel in on everything going on in my life. I think i am just at my breaking point and I need to take time for my mind to renew and refresh. :confused:

 

[Jax22]

This just sounds soo similar to my relationship. It gets so tough sometimes. Its mindblowing.

Due to Veterans Day, my guy had a really tough week. The holidays all together are very tough for him. One day he tells me he doesnt want to be with me, and then i get a phone call saying he loves me with his whole heart.

Like your marine, mine isnt taking "medication" but is definitely trying to self medicate through drinking.
which is never a good thing, when he drinks too much. He gets really bad flashbacks. He is being very
forgetful again, we can have the same conversation 3 times a day and he still doesnt remember.

I couldnt imagine going through this with kids. I pray that you find the strength and the courage to do whatever you
feel is the right thing. If you need anything, im always here!

 

[Navy Spouse]

Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you. Sorry to hear about your parents car accident. You have alot on your plate that's for sure. Sounds like your fiances PTSD needs to take a back seat for a while, you can only handle so much at a time. Take Care

 

[IvyMillie]

Sorry to hear what you are going through. I know what you mean about wanting support sometimes. I've gotten so used to not getting support when I need it, that I actually don't ever ask for or want support anymore. I think because for me when I feel like I want him to listen and care and then he doesn't it seems worse in the end.

However, in your situation with something so drastic having happened one would think being supportive would come naturally for him to be towards you in such a situation. My husband isn't good about being supportive to me. He doesn't really listen most of the time.

I think in his mind he imagines that he is this super supportive husband. He also thinks he really listens to me. I just don't disagree when he says he is so good. I would hate for him to know how he really makes me feel sometimes. I know he can't change.

I think in your situation that your kids are your number one priority. I agree with others that mentioned that he really needs to work on having a relationship with them if you relationship with him was to get any more serious. Some people with kids decide to wait to get into a relationship until there kids are raised (but I know that is hard to do.)

I guess you have your hands full, trying to help him get help for himself. That's a sad thing that he is drinking every night. I sure hope he will find a way to get help.

I am glad that you have lots of good times and that it isn't all bad. I think it's a chance for you to be able to determine what you can and can't handle. Hang in there.

 

[living4jesus]

Sounds like your fiances PTSD needs to take a back seat for a while, you can only handle so much at a time. Take Care

Thank you so much, exactly right on! I have been putting being a supporter for him on the back burner for right now because I have way to much on my plate and feel like I am going to have a nervous breakdown from all the stress. So right now I am worrying about my parents, my mom just had surgery this morning my dad has a broken hand and they are both elderly, and are all bruised up too. I am just emotionally zapped for the week!