I struggle with this, too. But my T keeps reassuring me that it’s ok and not a bad thing. I guess it depends on the kind of therapy you’re doing. My first therapist, I didn’t feel attachment at all. I liked her I guess. She was “good”. But I saw her weekly for two years and just sat there dissociated (I didn’t realize it at the time) telling her things and listening to her. But no change occurred. I got pregnant and said “I need to save money so I have to stop coming” and never returned, never looked back, never cared.
This one is a whole different story. I felt attached from the first session. It was disarming and scary. I’ve been with her for 2.5 years now and she gets me. I can’t stay dissociated with her because she recognizes it and pulls me out. I wouldn’t be able to be pulled out if I wasn’t with someone I trusted. And I wouldn’t trust her if there wasn’t some level of attachment. Maybe that’s not true for everyone but it has been my experience thus far. She wouldn’t feel safe if I didn’t feel that attachment. I don’t feel that level of safety with anyone else, and because of it, I can be vulnerable (or try to) with her, I can work really hard to let the walls down for one hour a week so SOMEONE can get through to me and I can HEAR her and internalize what she says and it becomes part of my felt experience. I have very close friends and an amazing husband of 15 years. I even have loving parents who are a part of my life. But I’ve never experienced this level of safety and vulnerability at once. And if attachment to her, for now, is what it takes, then okay. One day at a time. When I start to freak out about what if I didn’t have her? I stop the thinking. Because as others have said, you would live. We often can’t imagine surviving something until its required of us. So if you still have your T and you’re resisting the attachment just because it’s scary, maybe you don’t need to. Maybe just know that you’re having a corrective experience and in time it will loosen and you’ll feel more free as you internalize the things you’re getting from your T.
