Hello everyone,
I've searched for a long time for some kind of support. To introduce myself a bit, I am currently in a relationship with a Sexual Addict. To rewind a bit, we met, and he was currently under investigation for a child pornography possession charge. He is a family friend, and they assured me it was wrong doing. When we met we instantly hit it off, and as he told me his story, he let me know that he had photographs if his ex (who is his child's mother) on his computer from when they were teenagers and that the charges are BS and he is unlucky. I had no reason to doubt my family assuring me it was the truth, and no reason not to trust him yet, so I believed him.
One year later, as his court case comes up, I learn that he not only lied to me about the entire thing, he also was a pornography addict. After a year of trying to figure out if he was cheating on me? Losing interest? Depressed? What was going on, I finally had my answer. The worst part? He refused to admit he had a porn problem to me. "It's none of your business". Somehow I failed to see how it wasn't my business anymore. I began to seek out the truth. His family opened up to me, and shed some light on his personality. I began to uncover lies and lies and lies, and to this day they do not stop. He has a childhood best friend who is a girl. When I discovered him speaking to her, I inquired about her just as I always have with his other male friends, and asked to see her just as I have with his other friends. He promptly refused and insisted they had no sexual past, and I was crazy. Needless to say it took him a year to admit that he actually had a sexual past with her, and now he has moved out of our apartment leaving me to pay everything alone.
This is the theme, the more lies I uncover, the more "crazy" I am, the more he is "tired of my shit."
He is never wrong, even when he is caught in the lie he still refuses to apologize for any hurt or pain he's caused me.
I've stood by him through this, trying to understand he is sick, is getting help (he is in SA therapy) and that he needs love and support more than anything else right now. But I am tired.
Every time I uncover another lie, he denies it, reacts explosively and leaves. This is his flight mechanism.
I am tired of the lies, and frankly I can't take continuing to uncover more times he's lied to me. I've asked him several times to try couples therapy which he refuses - he can't work on us and himself at the same time. I told him this morning via text, that unless I have some kind of full disclosure I can not heal, nor rebuild faith and trust with him until it happens. He promptly responded "No thanks, I think we're done, I'm tired of your bullshit." This is a frequent response I receive when I approach him with his own bullshit and he has to face the fact he is dishonest with me.
So what do I do now. I am an anxious mess. I am worried about my bills, my home. He doesn't seem to give a shit about me at all.
I've held on for so long, and I don't even know why. I've become completely codependent on him getting better, Ive let myself get walked on. So how do I set up boundaries? How do I cope with the man who refuses to tell me the truth or see who he really is? Will he ever get better? Will I ever get better?
Any advice is welcome, I am a lost soul.
-Oriani
I've searched for a long time for some kind of support. To introduce myself a bit, I am currently in a relationship with a Sexual Addict. To rewind a bit, we met, and he was currently under investigation for a child pornography possession charge. He is a family friend, and they assured me it was wrong doing. When we met we instantly hit it off, and as he told me his story, he let me know that he had photographs if his ex (who is his child's mother) on his computer from when they were teenagers and that the charges are BS and he is unlucky. I had no reason to doubt my family assuring me it was the truth, and no reason not to trust him yet, so I believed him.
One year later, as his court case comes up, I learn that he not only lied to me about the entire thing, he also was a pornography addict. After a year of trying to figure out if he was cheating on me? Losing interest? Depressed? What was going on, I finally had my answer. The worst part? He refused to admit he had a porn problem to me. "It's none of your business". Somehow I failed to see how it wasn't my business anymore. I began to seek out the truth. His family opened up to me, and shed some light on his personality. I began to uncover lies and lies and lies, and to this day they do not stop. He has a childhood best friend who is a girl. When I discovered him speaking to her, I inquired about her just as I always have with his other male friends, and asked to see her just as I have with his other friends. He promptly refused and insisted they had no sexual past, and I was crazy. Needless to say it took him a year to admit that he actually had a sexual past with her, and now he has moved out of our apartment leaving me to pay everything alone.
This is the theme, the more lies I uncover, the more "crazy" I am, the more he is "tired of my shit."
He is never wrong, even when he is caught in the lie he still refuses to apologize for any hurt or pain he's caused me.
I've stood by him through this, trying to understand he is sick, is getting help (he is in SA therapy) and that he needs love and support more than anything else right now. But I am tired.
Every time I uncover another lie, he denies it, reacts explosively and leaves. This is his flight mechanism.
I am tired of the lies, and frankly I can't take continuing to uncover more times he's lied to me. I've asked him several times to try couples therapy which he refuses - he can't work on us and himself at the same time. I told him this morning via text, that unless I have some kind of full disclosure I can not heal, nor rebuild faith and trust with him until it happens. He promptly responded "No thanks, I think we're done, I'm tired of your bullshit." This is a frequent response I receive when I approach him with his own bullshit and he has to face the fact he is dishonest with me.
So what do I do now. I am an anxious mess. I am worried about my bills, my home. He doesn't seem to give a shit about me at all.
I've held on for so long, and I don't even know why. I've become completely codependent on him getting better, Ive let myself get walked on. So how do I set up boundaries? How do I cope with the man who refuses to tell me the truth or see who he really is? Will he ever get better? Will I ever get better?
Any advice is welcome, I am a lost soul.
-Oriani
