I Am Empty...except For Devastation & Disappointment

[Deleted member 38789]

God, I can't believe how alone I am. Nothing lifts my spirits at all, and there's nobody with whom I can talk. I don't want to bother my aunt all the time; she's 91 and needs her rest. My 25-year-old nephew lives in NYC. He works full-time and is seeing someone seriously as well. The rest of my family have either passed away or they've been barred from my life. I do not want an ounce of their abuse anymore.

My therapist is going out of town for two weeks, which pisses me off because she registers for artist and writer residencies all the time. Yet she's retiring at the end of the year. I want to ask, "DO YOU THINK THAT YOU COULD POSSIBLY WAIT A FEW FREAKING MONTHS?" I've been seeing her for two years and love her dearly, but that is one of my few complaints about her. However, I just began to see a new psychiatrist who seems very competent. He agreed all too readily that cPTSD is part of my diagnosis. And it took six months to find someone with whom I was comfortable. The last one was a real horror show, a bona fide narcissist.

I sometimes call a local warm line, but I feel ashamed when I do. It's just a reminder of all the awful "friends" who said they'd be there for me and obviously aren't. Yet they have their other friends, their families, their jobs and homes, etc. I'm on disability and live in (nice) subsidized housing, though I may try to recoup my old part-time job.

A lot of people don't want to be bothered with me. I emailed my late sister's friend last summer and again ten days ago. The bitch never responded either time, and I realize that it's time to release her to the past. Anyway, I've always been "the greatest friend and most insightful person" (actual comments from former friends) to whom they'd take their problems. Rarely did any of them have their own therapist. No, let's get free service from Christine instead. I'm seriously standing at the crossroads where I wonder if I ever want another friend again. I...do...not...trust...anyone. I even had a once-close friend ring me up after years of silence in order to apologize for what she'd done to me. I was floored. We became close again for a year before she pulled the exact same BS for which she'd apologized already.

*methodically bashing head against the wall*

Men? Hahaha...wow, that's funny. Like I said, I don't trust anyone. I'm nearly 48 and never had a successful relationship. I find myself talking to seductive online losers whose lies carry me for a few days or weeks before I realize what lousy con artists they are. It makes me sad. I never thought my life would be like this. I used to bear a lot of fire, especially as a writer and journalist. Now I'm at the point where I have no dreams and don't know what to hope for.

I'm not actively suicidal ~ thanks to Lithium and my two cats ~ but I'm always passively suicidal. If I died tomorrow, I would be fine with it.

My family and I have always consulted psychics or mediums. Yes, I pray as well. But I believe that some people have been granted "gifts of the spirit" and are sanctioned by God. It's just a personal belief; please don't condemn me for it. I can't bear another iota of criticism. Well, the one I used to consult has since decided that I'm also not worthy of her friendship (but I know this woman has a lot of problems in her family life so I am trying not to take it personally). I'd been looking for someone else to read for me, and I had two good-but-not-great readings in the past year. The last one was strange because I didn't feel a strong connection with her at all. Now I'm trying one more practitioner in the area. Usually, an excellent reading is the equivalent of 100 therapy sessions for me. So far, however, I haven't had that experience in approximately three years.

I actively search my conscience on my own, with God and with my therapist. I have apologized even to outright jerks if I felt that my behavior was less than stellar. Nothing seems to work out for me. I thought that if being a naturally good person would attract more goodness into your life, but it is not the case for me. Does anyone feel similarly? Did you read any part of this submission and think YES! THAT SOUNDS LIKE ME! I'm honestly seeking any of you who can relate and what you normally do about these feelings.

 

[Tkitty]

Well I understand what you are gong thought. Firstly, I know its hard. I understand suffering. I know what loneliness is. I am so sorry that you are dealing with this alone.
Do not trust all psychics. I say this to you as someone who grew up in the occult and have experience. I had a little of that gift myself, but do not trust people telling you what to do with your life. Don't wait for life to happen to you just go out and seek what you are looking for. Its not worth consulting in other people, ask god directly for what you need. I promise, that you will get a response and it might surprise you. All I ask is you just try it, if its not your thing that's okay. There is no judgment here. It just seem that the reason the readings works for you is that they tell you all these good things will happen and their is hope but then when what they say dosen't happen or does in some cases you end up more miserable. It makes you feel like you have control when really they are controlling you.
Many of them are fake and will say things to hurt you and sabotage you. Yes this talent does exists but people with a thirst for power for the beyond will sometimes tell you things that are false mixed with a tiny bit of truth. I suggest that you take classes, do things that will make you feel better about your self, seek out others in your age group to hang out with, take up a hobbies that make you feel good. Instead of focusing on what you are lacking think about the good in your life and the good you do be being on earth. Please dont take this critically, im not trying to be mean. I will pray for you, and I hope that you find your path, your comfort and find peace. Don't lose hope, its there right at the door its just waiting for you to let it in. If you ask, you shall receive.

 

[ground crew]

Alone and forgotton. Me too.

Not suicidal... I fasten my seatbelt and look both ways. But i am living with diabeties and it could all end quite suddenly. I'm okay with that.

Keep running out of therapist sessions, so there is a learning curve when i get a new one.

So what comes next? One foot ahead of another till i keal over of natural causes.

 

[GrayOwl]

Thank you for a well spoken thread.
There are times that I feel muchly the same way.
If muchly isn't a word, it is now.
I pm one of the other people on here a lot. We've discussed this searing soul ripping loneliness that can happen.
It's not something I ever had to deal with very much. Until recently, myself.
The best cure, when I feel like being cured, is service work.
You mention an aunt who's 91. I'll bet she would love some company. Just a few minutes maybe. Someone that expressed an interest in her and her well being much the way you or I would like to be made to feel wanted. So, sometimes. When I have decided that I have felt lonely enough, long enough, I will take the time to find someone. Often someone that I know fairly well. And I will make a phone call (condensed version) or invite them out for coffee, or say a meal somewhere, and listen.
Being a man, that's something I never did much of. We (men)mostly get to go through life being uncaring selfish spheres of ego, largely reeking emotional carnage upon those we can entice in to bowing to our almighty wonderfulness. I got tired of that life. Ultimately, it led to loneliness and despair, and the devastation and disappointment that I left in my wake, actually visited itself upon me. In spades. What goes around, comes around, as they say.
So. This led me down the path to the point of loneliness that you seem to be experiencing right now. I'm sure different causation, but the loneliness you speak of is genuine and bitter. And, that, I understand.

I feel that our present society has taught us poorly. We are not equipped to deal with these emotions like we used to be. Our society and media create expectations that we should have, and be, more than what we are. And if we are not, we are insufficient and inferior. And I think that is bullshit. 200, 500 years ago we were an agrarian, hunter gatherer society. We did what we needed to do to survive, and community support and leaning on each other, helping each other, and being there for one another was a common part of one's day. And lifestyle. And it was found that it wasn't done just for survival. It was what lifted the spirit.

Maybe I sound like an old fool. I will certainly agree quickly if you should say so. But this old fool has found that taking time in his day to enrich the lives of others around him leads to a much greater sense of belonging and community. Not always, but often it does. It works in mysterious ways.
I have read that Abraham Lincoln took 15 minutes to meditate every single day of his life in order to strengthen his mind and will. 15 minutes every day even during and especially during the civil war. Except on the three or four worst days of the war. On those days he took a half an hour. Relevance?? On my worst days of loneliness or devastation, or depression - I indulge myself deeply in service work to others. It is always anonymous (as anonymously as I can realistically do). Usually I'm not functional anyway - so the time lost is actually not time lost at all - it's time well spent.
And I do not take this lightly or superficially. I honestly believe my life, my well being, and certainly a large degree of my sanity and serenity come from this process today. It has lead me toward a more humble and simple lifestyle, freer from want and self will, and today I have a few of those people I have helped, who call or show up at my doorstep. With cookies. Or a "Are you ok?". Or I made you a blanket.
It's an amazing thing. Some people, who I guess need a word for things, call it karma.. Or what'd I say earlier? "What goes around, comes around."......
And my life today is no bed of roses. Nearly homeless and broke. Now some medical issues. Other stuff. But even now there are some amazing bright spots. Because when oftentimes I want to the very least, I get out of myself - and like ground crew said in his post above "I put one foot in front of the other....." And I find that so true.

It is true, it's hard to find a good psychiatrist. And then sometimes they seem to abandon you inconveniently in time of need. I'm sorry. That is an unpleasant feeling.

As far as your main question, attracting more goodness into your life? Whew! Not really. People, today, especially today, by and large, suck. They are selfish and self centered. I don't just donate my time and service to anyone. There is an inner city shelter in an older run down city of 100,000 people about 25 miles from me. I often go there to meditate. They have entrusted me with a key. I do my thing there. I talk and listen and help out and attend meetings. And most important - I never expect a thing in return. Never. #1 rule. That doesn't mean I won't accept something = if there is good reason - I just do not do it with expectations of any gain in it for me.
And when I watch today's society bustling and jostling around, all seeking position and power and fame - I often think - OMG! All of you Kardashian wannabees are missing so much! And yes, I do feel very similarly. If I wallow in that train of thought - it becomes a very dark and unhappy place - because, YES, I think the large part of humanity really doesn't care - and will just suck all the goodness out that you have - and return nothing. That IS human nature - and we are certainly not heading in any direction soon that will reverse or remedy that.

So, the solution for me is internal. I work on me. And, in a sort of selfish way, I give to others, and by expecting little to nothing - but finding worth in helping others grow, get a meal, stay off the street, maybe learn something - I'm happy with myself. It's often a lonely damn place to be. And it would sure be nice if things really got better. But I have to be thankful for just the little bit that does, when it happens. Sometimes feeling good about myself is the only reward there is for goodness. And if you're not careful, ever hear the phrase "No good deed goes unpunished."? Sometimes it doesn't seem worth it?? Just be careful. Common sense need prevail.

I hope you find some of what you are looking for. Companionship is important. Damned elusive. Isn't it? I hope my rambling provides some relief on a cold winter night. You may or may not agree, but I am grateful to have a chance to express my thoughts.

Yes. I do wish people were a lot more caring. There's a slogan posted in the safe house: When anyone anywhere reaches out their hand for help, I want that hand to be there. And for that, I am responsible." Some truth to that.

Anyway, I've said enough. I hope things go better for you.

 

[Deleted member 38789]

Well I understand what you are gong thought. Firstly, I know its hard. I understand suffering. I know w...

Um, thanks. I also grew up with the occult and have PLENTY of experience with it. Like you said about yourself, I also have my own gifts. I only consult someone worthwhile to help me sort out what I already know and what seems implausible. As I take plenty of medication these days, I can't rely on my own gifts as I used to & simply need some confirmation now and then. Anyway, you are assuming far too much about me. You don't know me, and you're inferring a LOT about what I've chosen to share. I do not trust all psychics and never have. I do not let them direct my life. I'm actually a skeptic at heart about whatever I hear. I know what to discard and what to take seriously. It's just another means of acquiring perspective from someone who uses her gifts only with God's permission.

I also asked people not to comment on this part of my submission with criticism. You may feel that you aren't judging me, but I can assure you ~ YOU ARE. Now can you please let it go and focus on the real subject at hand? Like the fact that I am more alone in this lifetime than I've ever been? That's why I wrote my submission in the first place. I am desperately alone and need help.



Some readings work because my gifts mesh with the reader's gifts, and we are balanced in tandem.


Damn it. I didn't mean to send that last comment, and I can't figure out how to edit anything.

Go out and seek what I'm looking for? You really DIDN'T read what I wrote. I said that I have no dreams and no idea what to hope for. If I knew, I'd go out and turn the world on its ear. I have no interests, either. Jesus, I said all of this. Don't people listen anymore? Don't people read carefully before they speak? Why do I even bother? And why take classes only with people in my age group? I don't like anyone, particularly people pushing 50 with full lives who speak a different language than I do. You may think I'm bellyaching ~ fine. Then you don't belong here. I'm in PAIN.

I've spent my whole life in hell, and the last 15 years have been horrifying. My sister died seven years ago, and that was the absolute worst thing that could have happened to me. Conversely, it's also why I speak to an occasional medium. And you, a total stranger who strikes me as a troll, You can't dissuade me from seeking someone who helps me connect to the other side. Now stop lording your so-called expertise over me and leave me alone. I studied shamanism for years and have been graced with gifts since childhood that, as I said, aren't working too well due to meds and the obvious depression/anxiety.

Enough said.

 

[Deleted member 38789]

Alone and forgotton. Me too.

Not suicidal... I fasten my seatbelt and look both ways. But i am li...

I hear you. And I also have chronic illnesses. I understand what you mean about the diabetes and why it's okay if it suddenly ends. Aside from my mental conditions, I have about seven physical illnesses. Of course, they're all "invisible" so I actually get the evil eye from some of the elderly folks who live in my building. Fine. There are nice people who live here as well.

If you ever want to message me, please feel free to do so.

 

[Deleted member 38789]

Thank you for a well spoken thread.
There are times that I feel muchly the same way.
If muchly isn't a...

Thank you. That was a nicely articulated reply and, no, you don't sound like "an old fool." As for my aunt, she has TONS of friends and is always out of the house! She's not a doddering little auntie, let's put it that way. Never was. We've been trying to firm up a date for the nearest casino, but the weather or health issues haven't been cooperating. In any event, I still don't want to bother her every day with my calls. We talk quite often as it is.

Yes, I know that it's an "inside job" and I am very vigilant about my inner work. In fact, I can't even converse with people who don't bother with therapy and self-reflection, especially when so many truly need to do so. I feel as though I'm in an alternate universe and separated from everyone else.

I'll need to finish my reply later. I didn't sleep too well and feel very tired.

 

[GrayOwl]

Rough sleepless night myself due to pinched nerve. And work to do today so I need go.

The alternate universe strikes home. It's as if by being a compassionate and understanding human being I become invisible except for when some needy troglodyte comes by and decides they need something from me and take it. Be that in a material sense, or more often, emotional or spiritual. And I feel drained not just dealing with humanity, but even just watching them feed on each other.

Maybe talk more when we are better rested.

 

[GrayOwl]

How are you today?
Your aunt sounds like an amazing lady.
91 and still knocking down the casinos.
I have longevity in my family line too.
I'm not sure if I consider it an asset or a curse,
don't know if sticking around that long is necessarily what I look forward to either.
Thought I'd drop in and say "hi".
Maybe it'd help overcome the "lonely".
The "devastation & disappointment" concept of loneliness that you speak of in your thread title has struck home with me.
It sums up humanity quite well.
If you're anywhere near Milwaukee tonight I'd buy you dinner or a cup of coffee.... Nah - forget I said that - too forward.
But, the thought was there.
Signs of intelligent life are few and far between, I enjoyed your writings. You write well and speak articulately.
I am not looking for a relationship - this is a mental health site, eh?
But I enjoy sharing humor, helping others, and light friendship on this site.
Take and share what you wish.

"Against the onslaught of humor, nothing can withstand."
One of my favorite sayings.
If I can bring a smile or light to someone else, I am happy.

Best wishes.

 

[Analisa]

God, I can't believe how alone I am. Nothing lifts my spirits at all, and there's nobody with whom I...

Hi Christine. I can relate to what you wrote. I am 16 years younger but it does not matter.
I know exactly how it feels to be put in the corner for not functioning. And to be honest I also
battle with myself not to hate the people who do it to me. My story is a bit different. I was ill for the last 10 years. Deadly ill. So ill. I could not move one day. Everybody thought I was
lazy and depressed. But actually I was ill. Later I found out. Anyway. It is a sad path. And we all have read those lines which say... the bad behaviour of others towards you tells more about them then you. Well. And even if so. I wish I had a quality in my life. So that I could enjoy it. I can t. It's hard after everything I've seen. I struggle. Just as you I have been called insighful.. a great listener... and yeah. I know how it feels to be a Therapist for free:) When my life was great, I was once best in shool and have been picked to the worlds best universities. Only to find myself forced to leave them, due to my illness. However.. When my life was great, I always loved being there for others. I thought it is a necessary, natural thing. Now I find, it isn t. My family hates me. I am a burden. I have no degree. I am 32, I tried 3 times at the worlds best universities had relationships with the most beautiful men who all left me, because I was not functioning. My mother abused me. All in all it is a mess. When I found myself ill, so ill I could hardly walk.. No one was there. People are doing a good job in avoiding me. They think I am a loser. But it was not my fault that I was so f*cking ill. Now they expect me to function. And I can t. I don t know what for. Because if it was for me- I would not want to live in such a superficial and cruel world as ours which is only heading towards the survival of the fittest and lives off of discrimination. I hate this place. It's empty. It's hallow. My family is rich. They hate me. Lawyers, doctors, all of them. I am a dark mark on their white map. It kills me. I loved them more then anything in this world and everything I was doing I was doing for them. I do not want to live. What I do against these thoughts? I stop fighting them. When they meet me face to face, I go to bed and sleep. I fall in a deep sleep. Which orders this pain in my head. This world... lives only by one rule. Survival of the fittest. Your either up or under. I was up. I am under now. And I don t like under. So for me. In my case. It is better to leave this place all in all. I do not believe in the light while one is alive. I can t see it anymore. I feel like falling. Constantly. I fall. I cry daily. And I daily want to die.