I Am Just So Angry.

[iwillbeme]

I was hurt so badly by someone who should have cared for me. He took away my self respect, I don't recognize the person in the mirror anymore. I was once a strong independent person but that is not the case any longer. The world out side is a very scary place. Even picking my daughter up from school can send a burning fear through out my body. I feel weak and vulnerable. I have tried very hard to be normal around the outside world but the more time passes the harder it has become for me. I keep re living a handful of moments from those days. Anything can set it off and when it does I cry and shake. I get around this by taking showers and hiding from friends and family hoping to avoid their questions and the embarrassment should they see me in this state. I hide away from the world hoping I can hide away from what happened.

I feel I will never get my life back.

 

[Al_Lurker]

I'm sorry to hear that this has happened to you and I congratulate you on taking the first step on your journey to the person that you really are. Reaching out to ask for help requires much more courage than hiding from the world and you have just done that. Being strong and independent is not possible for anyone to do all the time, we all need a helping hand sometimes. You will get your life back and welcome to the place to start.

 

[izmo]

I'm sorry for what you're going through. It's understandable that you feel like you're going through a completely tough time. Reliving trauma and flashbacks can be so difficult, even without the already added stress of certain day-to-day responsibilities. And it gets scary when our trust in someone was violated.

You have the right to feel angry and try to start by being gentler with yourself. What you've gone through is most likely horrible beyond words, and you are reaching out, taking one more step in being there for yourself.

 

[Changing4Best]

I'm glad you are here. I pray when things get rough. I don't know if that is part of your belief system or not, but God does care and will listen to your troubles. He loves us. He cries with us when we hurt. Don't be afraid to tell Him you are angry, He gets angry at injustice too! I hope you feel better soon.

 

[iwillbeme]

I have been trying to get help. i see a psychologist but the night nothing stops the nightmares. I felt as the bruises healed so too would the pain that has consumed me inside. I was wrong.


Right now my mental state has changed. The anguish I feel has multiplied exponentially. Everyday I feel I am fighting a loosing battle with myself. Emotion has taken over reason. There is fear inside me and as much as I fight, it continues to grow. I repeat "he wont hurt you anymore" and as much as I want to believe that mantra I cant. There are times when people, even my daughter, touches me and my body automatically recoils or convulses uncontrollably. I feel every car door slam is him and ever loud noise is someone trying to hurt me. Eating is a chore. When I sleep he is there coming for me. I wake from nightmares only to enter a reality that has become, at times, a nightmare itself. My knees quiver and my mouth goes dry with the thought he will one day be able to hurt me again. There are very few times I feel safe. I feel shame, anger, humiliation, regret but mostly fear.

 

[Al_Lurker]

Are you pursuing any options for professional help?

 

[iwillbeme]

I see a psychologist every week. I do all my homework. The man who hurt me is 7 min away and is out of jail now. he CAN come anytime. A peace bond is a piece of paper. One he has already broken.

 

[Al_Lurker]

Then there is real basis to your fear and that is nothing to be ashamed of. Seeing a professional will help but it has to be the right one. Is there anything you can do to create more physical distance between you? Is there a domestic violence shelter near that may be able to provide assistance?

 

[Justmehere]

Can you speak to a victim advocate? Or did you happen to run into a terrible one? When there's an ongoing threat, then it makes sense your symptoms are worse and worse. A bond and/or a restraining order is very serious to break. If he violates it, then he should go back to jail. I am so sorry you're having to go through this. A victim advocate could even help get funding to pay for more comprehensive support services.

 

[ill]

@iwillbeme, what would make you feel safe(r) right now?

If you think about what safety would look and feel like for you right now, it may help to give you direction. You don't feel safe right now, and I don't blame you one bit for that. But if you know what safety would look and feel like for you, then you know what to aim for and you can work on a plan to get there. As you rebuild your sense of safety, it will likely help you rebuild your self-confidence and respect too.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am so sad that you are going through this. I have been where you are and I can so relate to your symptoms and your feelings. You are very brave and courageous for just getting out of bed to face each difficult day.

I am so glad you found this site. It has become a healing refuge for me.

Your life has been changed forever. I do not think you will get the old you back, you will have to start over and rebuild your life in healing recovery. This process takes as long as it takes and for me it was a very long journey but I have experienced fresh healing. I offer you this hope that in time you will become quite real and be the new you that has integrated it all.

I am so sorry that you are suffering nightmares. I had them for so many years.

Just work hard on your healing and your recovery. I am so sorry you have the abuser living so close to you. I also dealt with that and it was impossible to deal with. Please go gentle on yourself.

You are doing the best you can with all that you are dealing with. Hugs.

 

[onesie]

As I was reading this, my face streamed with tears. I too, have been through domestic violence. I also, have your symptoms. Listen to me please, you are a strong woman. He wants you to believe you are weak. He wants you to believe all his lies. You see, my ex did it to me. I went from a warrior, to feeling like I don't deserve the air I breathe. I went from confidence, to defeated. I have been waking up everyday, fighting for myself worth again. It took all the strength in the world, for me to beat him in court. The more you heal, the stronger you will start feeling. It takes time, to heal. I am proud of you, Iwillbeme. You are a strong woman too. Love yourself. You didn't do anything to deserve it. He is the weak one. ;) (hugs)