Sexual Assault I Am Lost. This Is My Story, Please Help! I Need Advise...

[anonymous06]

Hello,

Lately I haven't been able to sleep properly. Each time I close my eyes and start falling asleep,I have a nightmare about that day.

You have to understand I am still young, 14 and a half years old to be exact, and it has been 6 years since... Since it happened. Back then ( 6 years ago), I didn't think much (well, I did, I just didn't overthink much) and lately, memories of that day have been pouring back on me. Every day, I remember it more clearly. And what I remember makes me shiver, I start crying, and I don't know what to do about it. Should I talk? Should I keep quiet?

I should explain:

6 years ago, I went to my grandparents house, in the mountains. They take care of a few teens that have some issues (issues in the head, mostly). One in particular has been sticking around for, what? 20 years now? Anyway, back then, I was approximately 8 or 9. Surprisingly, I don't remember the exact year. But he asked me if I wanted to go play outside, and I accepted. I trusted him, I would call him "cousin" whenever I would mention him in a conversation. Not anymore. We played outside, and at one point, we started walking towards the woods. Suddenly he stopped, and asked me if I wanted to, and I quote: "Do you want to see something cool?".

HA. tricky question, now isn't it? At first, when I started having my nightmares, I would wake up instantly. Any 8 year old would have said yes. I think. So I did. He started unzipping his trousers, and I got nervous. But deep inside, I was also interested in finding out what he was doing. I don't have any brothers, and at 8, I had no idea of what sex was. For me, it was mommy and daddy kissing. I'll spare you the details, part of it because I am not yet comfortable talking about it, but also because I... Actually, no, I take that back, that is the only reason why I am sparing you the details. He touched himself. He made me touch him. It wasn't enough for him. He touched me. And innocent, young me said: "that feels good". HA. Again. He tried penetrating, but I screamed as soon as he tried too, and that alarmed him and he decided it was probably safer for him to just give up. He didn't make me swear not to talk about it... So why didn't I?

I'll tell you the truth, for a long period of time, I was convinced he had done nothing wrong. That I was the only one to blame. That I deserved what I got. Is it so? I wish I could blame it all on him. After all, I was eight. Maybe nine. at most.

But at no point, I said no. At no point, I said "stop". Why? Why on earth didn't I try to stop him?

Now here comes the reason why I am so nervous to finally get this out of my head/heart: I am afraid that, back then, the really young kid I was, was enjoying it... Could it be because it was new to me? Because I didn't know what it was?

I decided to come on this forum to ask you, victims of rape, sexual assaults, and all those other horribles acts, to tell me, PLEASE, If I am a victim of sexual assault or not... You have to understand I have never told anyone this, fearing they would laugh at me, say I deserved it, or worse....: That they wouldn't believe me. As years pass, I am starting to feel guiltier, and guiltier, and inside my head, I keep hearing this voice that screams: "SHAME ON YOU!" each time I think of it.

I am lost.

This has ruined me in so many ways... Each time I liked a boy, I would keep my feelings to myself, and each time that boy liked me back and got the guts to tell me, I would run away. I wouldn't tell him what I felt, because I was scared... When I was smaller, around 10 to 12, I hated boys. I would refuse to talk to them.

But I don't want to jump to conclusion.

Is it possible I was the one responsible? He does have some mental issues. And he did, after that, show me some pictures of his naked girlfriend laying in bed. That terrorized me. I told my dad, but he thought I was lying. And before that, he used to steal my barbies, undress them, and I would find them under his pillow (Yes, I have now figured out what that implies).

I know I am young, but please, if anyone that reads this can help me, in anyway, please do! I don't know what to do. I can't sleep at night anymore... The memories are coming back, and I want to know how I can make them stop hurting me, destroying my life. Last few months, I started cutting my leg, because I thought it would help me realize what a failure I am. Now, what I am realizing is that I am killing myself, slowly, but surely. Last few weeks, I have lost all appetite. I can't stand chocolate anymore, and believe me, I used to be a great fan of it...

I know I am getting a little off topic, and please forgive me if I didn't post this in the right place, it's just I think it's the only way I can try to get better...

~J.

 

[Lily Child]

How old is was he when this occurred?

If anyone puts you in a sexual situation without your consent, it's sexual abuse. Your response of being curious was natural. Children are often curious. There was no shame in what you did or not saying no. Especially if this person was older, or stronger than you. Clearly you were manipulated into the situation.

Even IF it doesn't count towards being officially sexual abuse (and I believe it does) you clearly felt violated, and are struggling. Those emotions deserve to be heard, and properly dealt with.

 

[Lucycat]

To me it sounds like abuse.

You did not like it, you did not want it and you did not understand.

If it felt like abuse to you, then it was.
Now what are you going to do about it?

 

[therapybankrupt]

Hello 06

I am sorry this happened to you. It is not your fault and you need to ask for help. I know it is very hard. Is there an adult you can trust to talk to? Can you talk to a counselor at school? You do not have to tell all if you are not comfortable at this time. My hope is that someone can help get you to a professional trauma therapist. Then if you feel comfortable you can tell.

The point is to get help for the pain you are dealing with. The guilt and blame caused by the trauma none of which is your fault. It can really hurt you if it is not dealt with. You are cutting and this is proof you are having trouble dealing with this on your own. You need someone to help that understands. Telling on the person can be dealt with as you feel you are safe. First you need to get help for you. Take a small step if you can by asking for help. Hugs

Tb

 

[anonymous06]

Thank you all for answering, it really means a lot.

I think he was 18 or 19 when it happened.

Today I felt brave and decided to tell my mother, since my dad and sister where out of town for the night. She took it "well", I was afraid she wouldn't believe me, but she told me deep inside she always knew he was a danger. I made her promise not to tell my father though, because I know he wouldn't take it as calmly and I am not ready to tell him... I think maybe putting my story "ou there" helped me realize how desperatly alone I felt. Well, I knew I was alone in this, I just didn't know I needed to talk that badly. When I told her, I got this beautiful feeling I might be able to get through this AND be happy afterwards. It's like the fog in my head is finally vanishing! Thank you!

I don't think I'll be able to tell anyone else in a loong time though... I stressed so much, didn't know what words to use... I couldn't get myself to say "he molested me". For some reason I had to stick with "made me touch him"...

 

[Venusian]

That is a very brave thing you did, telling your mom. I am glad your mom was so understanding and supportive. It is a huge step forward. You should be very proud of yourself.

Believe it or not, it will get easier, it may take a while but it will. I hope you keep talking, to your mom, on this forum. I hope you keep reaching out for support. Don't bury it again. That is the key to getting past it.

 

[therapybankrupt]

Good Job O6! Your Mom should be able to get you what you need to deal with this! Like Venusian said do not bury it again. Keep talking to your Mom. If you still feel the urge to cut try to talk to some one about it! I am glad you are feeling so much better.:applause:

 

[anonymous06]

thank you! I won't. Or at least, I'll do my best not to! :)

 

[Iamsensative]

Great job telling your story. This was sexual abuse, you were not in anyway responsible. I hope you take this into your head, heart and soul that this had nothing to do with you. You were an innocent child who was taken advantage of. Love, Light and peace friend. You are beautiful as that 8 yr old little girl was. I hope my words help.