I am No One

[esz]

Sometimes I seek out confirmation that I'm not alone, that I'm not the only one out there with terrible stories to tell.

But most days that's not really what I want. Most days I want people to be shocked and disturbed by what happened to me. I want them to think it was extreme, severe, something people read about in a book or see in a movie but isn't real life. I want people to be amazed that I'm still alive, amazed that I'm trying to find a life for myself, proud of my meager accomplishments.

But I'll never get that validation. For all anyone else knows, I grew up in a normal middle class family like everyone else, right? For all anyone knows, nothing bad has ever happened to me. For all anyone knows, my biggest struggles are petty, normal things.

I am a no one. Even if I try to tell people I'm not okay, they think I mean I'm depressed, or have anxiety. They think they understand what those things are. They think it's normal, it happens sometimes. Of course mental illness isn't to be taken lightly, but lots of people struggle with depression and anxiety. So people think they understand.

I want to get angry at those people who think I have "anxiety". I want to yell at them that I was born in a cult, about growing up with my dad's severe paranoia and bipolar disorder. I was to say that my dad hung himself in the garage when I was 16. I want to tell them about laying unconscious on the bathroom floor because my mom refused to take me to the ER when I was in septic shock. I want to tell them all the terrible things my mother said to me all my life, all the ways she blamed me and manipulated me. I want to tell them about the cops always being in our house, about being groomed and sexually assaulted.

But then I think, maybe my life wasnt healthy, but honestly is it that strange? Lots of people die of starvation. Lots of people are beaten every day, sold and traded. Sure it hurt but I'm no one special. I'm just another person complaining about my "rough childhood". I'm alive now aren't I? I made it through didnt I?

The truth is I dont think anyone cares about my story. They think its just another story about an abused neglected kid. Those stories are a dime a dozen nowadays. Why should anyone care?

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

It sucks not feeling heard, validated, or innerstood, regardless of the degree of suffering.

It's a bitch trying to figure out how to healthily fill the gaps of caring/concern that I thought others would readily and eagerly want to be involved in, especially after learning of the hellish scenes I survived. Not so much.

I guess it's increasingly difficult for someone who hasn't been there, so to speak, to ever really "want" to go there? So much involved in so many ways, both in our delivery and their reception.

I don't have answers, but I can relate in some aspects, and wanted you to know you've been heard here. May kind relief of some variety find its way.

 

[Whirlwind]

I want people to be shocked and disturbed by what happened to me

I get it.

Just the other day someone assumed a trip had been with my parents. I burst out laughing and then stopped abruptly at their perplexed reaction. Then sprinkle the incident with a cover story, LOL

Really? Vacation with my parents? Even if we had $ for that, they sure as hell wouldn't have gone anywhere with us. I remember being left very young with TV dinners and I was afraid of the oven, just too young so we tried to melt it over the heating ducts in the floor. People seem to have lived charmed lives to me, I know "everyone else" didn't have a perfect life, but I get angry at the severe disadvantages I was left with just due to chance. Born to those sick people.

Anymore, I let that feeling wash over me when it presents. It's justified. And has nothing to do with the other person of course. They don't get it, can't, never will and good for them. Lucky.

I do better with this anymore as I found an outlet. My therapist :-) My former support group. Lately I have even thought I need to find another "outlet" it is just nice oddly to let down my hair and not pretend with some people. I do feel I pretend not by choice but by others assumptions. Folks find some of my eccentricities endearing....or tease me not knowing they stem from my severe neglect. It is a surreal feeling and at times when I am tired it ticks me off, I have to always carry the "burden"...then and now as it isn't suitable to address so I laugh it off and move on. So that is an annoyed day but most days it is barely a blip on my radar. These days ;)

Why should anyone care?

Everyone should care, assume you are right in its pervasiveness, it costs us all directly and/or indirectly. I think people close to use should handle some knowledge. Bear witness to some degree. When the forum, person is right I have shared my story within limits. I was volunteering in a related way..but ultimately found it too triggering but for a time it felt great and that I was maybe a teeny part of the bigger picture change. I would like to do this again, if anything when we link our shared experiences it does bring comfort, does to me anyway.

Reading you post actually helped me, my incident the other night bugged me due to my spontaneous gut laugh, the question just struck me so ridiculous.

I don't have an answer but what does/did help is finding an outlet to vent or to just be accepted in, no "pretending" needed.

Take Care,

Whirlwind

 

[esz]

@Whirlwind I'm really glad my post helped you

I'm so frustrated for you that someone had that assumption. I know most of the time people dont mean anything by it - but it doesnt change how much it stings.

I have had so many experiences to that end. But one particularly that comes to mind was in college when some of my friends had to file taxes for the very first time. Either their parents did it for them, they were calling their dads for step by step instructions. And I just couldn't help but laugh when they complained about how annoying or confusing it was, asking me if my parents did mine for me. Yeah. Lucky if my parents even file their own taxes ?

I agree that having an outlet to voice this stuff has been helping tremendously. Thank you @Tornadic Thoughts and @Whirlwind for empathizing with me.

 

[Whirlwind]

Yeah. Lucky if my parents even file their own taxes

Right?!!! ?

Thank you for empathizing with me.

Anytime :-)

 

[Ronin]

I don't relate to that stated motivation (as in the opposite compass / hate hate the shocked stares when all I want to do is to have a funny story trashing tunnels on the opposite end of the globe, or people that altogether are real gems and can go f*ck themselves) -

But I do get needing the truth out.
Not what people think it was.
Not what it looked like.
What it actually was.
Relate to the real, and to real me.

Not what they think of me.
That one is useful for disappearing, but not when I try for actual human connection.

Do you know what *sort* of care/ validation you need?

Might make easier asking for it.

 

[esz]

@Ronin, that is a very thoughtful question. I think I actually agree with you in needing to get the truth out. If you read any of my other posts, my family definitely has gaslighted/manipulated me for years about how they treated me. Only recently have I even opened up to the idea that I was abused and neglected, because everyone did such a thorough job of normalizing the abuse. Including myself, honestly.

So I need to get the truth out that what my mom did was very wrong. That no one came for me to take me away from the unhealthy situation, even though some people seemed to have suspicions of what was going on. I need the validation to be able to call reality what it was - abuse - without being afraid people will minimize what I am saying or not believe me.

I guess the desire for people to be shocked/disturbed is a way for me to justify my own emotions. If everyone else if reacts that way, maybe it means I can allow myself to admit it was bad.

 

[Ronin]

People will always say whatever people do, you can't rely on that.

As in what people say about value of anything tells me just about them. Their experiences. Their opinions. Not about mine.

People normalize and pretty up all sorts of awful, on many levels. Doesn't make it less awful.

And I'm thinking if you let others determine value and meaning of your experiences, you give them immense power over your life. Some might give you some of it back, by helping, sure. But many will not, and be hurtful, intentionally or not.

Where you can reclaim all of that power, by validating yourself and learning to right size what is what.

 

[esz]

I hear what you are saying. But growing up with one completely psychotic parent who had literally no grip on reality (he was convinced we were all going to literal lake-of-fire hell any moment now) and one parent who was paranoid and thought everyone was out to get her, I learned from a young age that how you view a situation can be completely disconnected from reality. Consensus from multiple people outside the situation is much more reliable than one person's subjective experience. Even my own. Especially my own.

But at the same time that sounds very freeing. To take control of what my own experiences mean to me, not letting others control that meaning (like I let my family do for so long). I will chew that idea over for a while. Thank you.

 

[Ronin]

I hear what you are saying.

Consensus from multiple people outside the situation is much more reliable than one person's subjective experience. Even my own. Especially my own.

May be, may not be.

That depends entirely on the people in question.

Take people with agendas, or using delusions to justify harm, or a little bit of both, plus some, and your own judgment may be 100 percent more reliable than a crowd of them combined.

Your judgment made you survive this long.
Unreliable? Hardly. You wouldn't have gotten this far.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I can relate.

I just want to say that I also did not read the previous replies to your post, I do so consciously because I want to give an intuitive reaction. My "first" reaction to your question, so to speak.

I get the feeling that you have 1. a need to be heard and 2. override that need with your mind. In my experience, whatever your mind says is really not that important. The beliefs of the mind are often fabricated by past experiences.

But your need to share your story with somebody is real.

In my experience whenever I told people about my story, they were always shocked. After years of telling the story, I started feeling like a worn-out book (always telling the story over and over and over) and I stopped telling it.

Being heard is important.

 

[Mach123]

I just wrote a really long, rambling, nonsensical reply, and deleted it by accident lol. Here comes another one.

This really hit me right where I'm at. It's all about being a little kid caught in a real sh*t show and not being able to tell.

Now I just understand though, that I was permanently changed and there's no going back. There's no normal that I ever was, and all my experience adds up to me being this, everybody else is that. (Almost everybody)

It's how I have to deal with it now which is just like how I had to deal with it then. I have to pretend, which I think is what people mean when they say "disassociate". That's what it means to me anyway? It's when I have to "go away".

So all this about getting well and healing is really just making me feel better so I can keep going barely. But I'm ok with that because it beats being suicidally depressed, which I was for so long.

That's not very cheerful I suppose, but I like your post and i wanted to respond. As usual I can't come right out and say what I want, I never do which is also part of it.

I'm older now by a lot but I'm a little kid with a secret still. It permeates my thinking feelings and behavior.