I Am So Confused..

[FindingMyself88]

:(
Why does everything have to be so confusing when it comes to remembering my childhood?
This may be long so please bare with me…

Ok so the other week while processing when I was sexually molested by my cousin, some family issues came up. The very cousin that molested me ended up in the hospital and his sister called to tell me. My T thought it in my best interest to tell my mom to talk to my cousin about the issue so I didn't have to deal with it. I did and my mom didn't really understand but did so.

Last night my mom comes in my room randomly (after she has had a glass of wine) and says

"Are you finished talking to your therapist about **Cousin**? You need to be talking to her about what your daddy, **ex step mom**, and grandmother (dad's mom) did to you!"

!!!?!!!!!?! Flashback city!

My mom swears that my grandmother sexually abused me as well as my ex stepmom, says my grandmother even admitted it! I have NO memories of my grandmother doing anything to me and I just can't believe she would. However when I argued this point, my mom said something about how my grandmother supposedly did it and it was the same way my ex step mom did it. Or I think. I have brief memories and mostly body memories of it. But none of my grandmother.

UGHHH so now I am in major flashback mode and trying to get over having vertigo this week. I just can't let myself think my grandmother did anything to me, but my mom plants these seeds in my head and I can't fully remember things, so it grows. I want to just not believe her but I can't! What does that say about my believing my grandmother??? I only have good memories of my grandmother. :'( I hate this!!!

 

[KwanYingirl]

Can you talk to your grandmother?

 

[FindingMyself88]

no, she passed away almost 8 years ago :(

 

[Powder]

I'm sorry I don't know more about your mom or particular situation, so I don't feel I can be much help other than to say that I'm sorry this even with your mom occurred.

From someone who has lived through and survived remembering childhood sexual abuse traumas from multiple perpetrators, who all knew each other, and one memory in which my dad and his friend both abused me together, I can relate to the floor falling out and bouncing up and hitting you smack in the heart (again, again, and again) in this way. :( I'm sorry to hear this happened, and I'm disgusted with the empathetic failure of your mother.

Alcohol is no excuse for her lack of empathy for your feelings. No amount of any chemical gives anyone the excuse to be such a jerk.

I have anger issues with my abusive and neglectful parents. Your mom is just a drunk version of my less-than-caring mother. My parents are so selfish and unable to feel empathy or sympathy for other humans that they should never have had a dog, much less children.

I'm sorry that you appear to have the same family. :(

The greatest gift to myself was divorcing that family. It is impossible to process or forgive anything while the dodging flaming arrows and finding and pulling them out of your chest on a regular basis.

Sorry if I am just as reactionary as your mom against her. Her emotional abuse is quite triggering for me to read. And I identify with you and relate to how this would make me feel.

Remember, nobody, not anybody, even if they confess, has the right to tell you your life history. That is YOURS, not theirs. They all need to step off.

 

[ghotiff]

This would be my take on what might help you now.

IF it happened and you don't remember then there might be a good reason for it (eg you are not ready for the memory).

IF it didn't happen, you can never "prove" this fact to yourself.

Your mum has her own issues and I don't discount that her issues might cloud the "facts" on this, so I would tend towards not believing her.

So, in conclusion I would not believe it. If one day a memory comes, consider it then and only then.

Hope that helps.

 

[FindingMyself88]

@Muse you summed my mom up pretty well. She is a totally self absorbed Borderline Personality mother. She refuses to acknowledge that she has done anything to hurt me.

@ghotiff thank you for helping me see the logical side. It's just so hard when she comes at me like that. Any talk at ALL about my ex step mom is extremely triggering for me, and then she adds the other stuff and its overload.

 

[hailstorm]

I totally agree with ghotiff! It sounds as if your mother may be trying to redirect the blame for your abuse on someone that she knows you cannot confront about it. If you have good feelings about your grandmother and you cannot believe in your heart that she did anything to you...your feelings may be the best defense against believing what your mother is saying about her. In my experience when someone tells me something happened to me I always consider the source first then I process the information by remembering what I know happened and then my feeling about the person that has been suggested to me to have done something. If I cannot find any information within myself that agrees with what was said then I dismiss it as bogus. If this occurs then I begin to ask what the motive is for the person telling me this...what does this person have to gain from telling me this?
You said that your mother has borderline personality. Does your mother ever build an alliance with you? Does she seem disloyal to you? She spoke with your cousin. Do you think she formed an alliance with your cousin and now is trying to redirect you away from the actual abuse that you KNOW happened?
I'm so sorry for bombarding you with all of these questions. It is difficult to process the information when your mother is trying to manipulate your thoughts. I admire you for having the courage to think it through the way that you did and to try to remember the good things that your grandmother did for you. From reading your post I believe that you know the answers and you will find some peace in exploring them.
Best to you.