Thanks to everyone who replied especially considering how draining this condition is, its really hard to reply when you are struggling yourself so thanks again everyone.
Hi Starry,
I hope it's helpful at least seeing you're not alone with this. Sometimes something small but hopeful can give one enough energy to take another step to get healing help. If you're not in therapy perhaps could look into finding some? I know that's not always possible, in which case this really is a good place to be. Not being alone helps, as does being able to talk about what you're going through. The articles here got me connecting some dots I didn't even know existed, either, if you know what I mean.
I'm sorry you're feeling like this. I hope you can come back often and get some peace.
Anni
It defenitely helps coming on a board where I feel people 'get it'.
I have been in and out of therapy for years and I guess it has helped as I have much more insight into what I am going through. For years I was undiagnosed with mental health problems where as at least having a name for it helps now. The PTSD came after years of mental health problems and now I am so lost. I already had OCD growing up as a kid and then panic disorder in my late teens. Then the trauma happened and it was like adding fuel to a fire. Everything has become worse. The original OCD, Panic disorder grew ten fold but on top of that I had full on derealisation and depersonalisation for a year, mixed with psychotic type thoughts not to mention depression and suicidal feelings. It is horrible and exhausting.
Therapy has helped me get back on track a bit but I feel like everything has been blown up into a billion tiny little pieces and it is such a long, draining process trying to put the puzzle back together and trying to re-build my life from a state of crisis. It is like the person I was before the trauma is no longer relevant. I feel disconnected from that person, like looking at old photographs of myself, it does not feel like that was me. Or if I do accept it is a photo of me, it feels like a billion years ago and that was literally a different life time. My whole belief system has been torn to shreds, what I thought was right and important no longer seems right or important. The way I viewed myself and the world has been turned up side down and I constantly have a feeling of being lost, stuck, sad, in grief, skeptical and deep down question the point of anything and everything. It is such heavy feelings to be dealing with and no one seems to get it. People tell me that it was 'in the past and it's time to move on'. Well I try everyday to forget about it, I try so hard to pretend I am normal and like I used to be. I try to block out what has happened or pretend it never happened. I know denial is not good however focusing on my sadness and feeling depressed is not good either, so I feel forced to not dwell on it because if I do I became extremely distressed, sad and angry. It's really tricky and I catch up with people, say friends and smile and pretend I am fine but the truth is I constantly feel so very different from most people. They ask me why I am not working full time and they have no idea about mental health problems or how debilitating it can be because their life has been such a smooth ride. It seems pointless to try and even attempt an explanation.
I have rambled enough but I just needed to let it out as I can't anywhere else.
