I Am Still A Good Person

[Lady of Longbourn]

Recently I saw a new psychiatrist that I really connected with and felt right. It was great to finally get that burden off my shoulders because I have been looking for a no-nonsense, reliable and respectful doctor since last August.

Usually first appointments are all the same. With questions about your past, your illnesses (if you know them) and your current state of health. Usually so many questions, all at once, all up front can made you come across really strongly. Especially for me becasue I feel I made a huge amount of mistakes in my life, that I can't explain or understand myself much less to a stranger.

I found myself really wanting to tell her "But I am a good person..."

I felt like I wanted to defend myself. Prove that I am worth something, that my past does not define me. It's all about self esteem I guess, self doubt. I really wanted to redeem myself in her eyes and prove that I was good and respectful person.

Note: I am not questioning if that doctor is right for me. I know she is so this thread is not about her.

Anybody have any thoughts?

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I defend myself for things left, right and centre, for things that haven't crossed anyone else mind's but mine and always, always do I find that at the heart of it, is my defense over being a good person. The only one I'm arguing with is me, I don't know or trust myself enough to know that I am a good person, I mean, I think I am, I must be, I do all the things good people should do and practically none of the things bad people do - and the few bad things I may have done have all been when I should never have had to make such a decision and always to protect from something worse. I think this is a massive issue of self-esteem and a main issue at the root of my trauma - that I am probably not to blame - I mean, I know I'm not but there's that niggle. Also more than anything, I do know that it's true , despite my uncertain protests- I'm good, but I fear that other people will see all the evil that has been put into me as mine (it's this fear of others reactions that make me sure I must be bad), when it isn't and hold it against me I wrote a poem with elements of this in - people seeing things in me, my trauma, how broken I am but they won't understand (maybe it doesn't make sense or it's not linear for them and they think I made the trauma), and then that they will think that I am a horrible person.

I'm not saying it is the same for you, but maybe it's some food for thought.

 

[arfie]

The therapists I have made my best progress with ALL made me feel this way. Like just having them in my life made me believe in myself as a good person and want to prove it? Maybe. It surely is hard to describe, but my thought is that it is a sign of therapuetic chemistry.

 

[EverOnly358]

I think this is a massive issue of self-esteem and a main issue at the root of my trauma - that I am probably not to blame - I mean, I know I'm not but there's that niggle.

I often blame myself for what was done to me. And I feel like, these bad things happened because I wasn't good enough. So now, when I'm trying so hard to get past my past, I'm really trying to think more intellectually... Was I really to blame? No. Did I do anything wrong? No. It's the abusers fault, not mine. And I can wrap my head around that intellectually (well, I'm working on it, anyways) but emotionally, no way. It's all my fault, I'm terrible, I'm awful, I deserve everything that happened to me. And I think partially, it's the vast difference between what I know is intellectually true and what I feel emotionally, that has me constantly saying and trying to prove that I *am* a good person. So, defending yourself, this can be good and a strong thing to do, because you are challenging the emotional response, the shame and the blame.

And @Ayesha, it's obvious you're a good person. Everyone makes mistakes. Some of us even make huge mistakes (I know I have), but as long as we try to make up for them and do better in the future, it's okay. It's normal actually, we're all human, and humans make mistakes.

I hope this helps,
D123

P.S. I'm so glad you like this new doctor. It's so hard to find a good fit, so I'm really happy for you! :)

 

[JerriJinxed]

Hello Ayesha,

I am brand new here and your post really spoke to me because I recently changed Psych's as well, I should say first of all, I am not even started grieving the breakdown with my last provider... and I am feeling sort of the same sense of betrayal as I might be with any breakup?
But I had the same experience with the New Doc as well. (a she) I was so shaken when I left the office, I almost could not drive. In the appointment she asked me for so many details, and I was sort of in "reporter mode" that I found myself wanting a character witness in the room with me! I felt like a hit and run victim! I also became very angry, as I just assumed that I had just dealt with one more professional that did not know PTSD from bi-polar or her own foot!

I have just started going to a new unique clinic, in that they have a one stop shop, it combines Physician, Physiatrist and Psychologist among many other services, such as life coach, nutrition ad fitness etc.. And the big difference is that they meet daily to discuss their patients and appropriate care.

My hope is that I will not get that, I have to contact this person or that, that you get dealing with everyone in a separate building and in many cases not even in the same town.
To be honest I had my 2nd appointment just this past week, and saw the psychologist early in the day, and he asked me if I was ready to see her again? I said yes, and if she treats me anything like last time, I will just move on, and that would be my last appointment with her. You see, I suspected that she would try to just 86 all my meds, and start the roulette wheel of drugs once again, and I have no tolerance for that. I simply have way too many experiences with these Docs, who insist on upheaving your current meds, just because they want to try out a new protocol

I felt like she wanted to simply trigger me as much as she could, and wait for me to lose it? I have never felt like such a loser, I am 55, and my story is a horror to be sure, and I felt like I was being raped of any shred of self, that I still managed to hang onto. Brutal to be sure, so much so that I began to not only initiate a plan, but to take it to higher levels of planning.

The next appointment wasn't as awful, and I survived somewhat, she seemed to have backed off from the Drill Sargent, and even came closer to seeming empathetic, and not so determined to simply stomp her feet twice and rename my disease and obliterate my med regimen!
I just cannot remember ever being treated so badly or maybe I wasn't and the point is, I felt like you, and I just wanted a bullet proof vest on, and to scream out: "hey I am a good person" "I am NOT the loser you think I am"... I have had good times in my life! And I understand what a different dynamic it is when you are in defense mode, rather than introspection. Hope I made some sense?

This is my 1st post here, and I really hope I didn't screw it up! LOL

 

[mamachick]

I can relate. I find myself with the need to defend about every action and my thinking. I am grateful that I have a therapist that does not focus much on diagnosis and is very open minded about behavior and other things not being labeled as good or bad. She has pointed this out to me several times and I did not really grasp what she was saying, or I understood but did not share the belief at the time.

I just read a book "Spiritual Divorce" which talks about the good and bad qualities and characteristics in each of us. We might not show the same characteristic in the same circumstances, but under some circumstance, we have both the good and bad that will come out-both is in all of us. The author states that it is the very things that we complain most about in the partner that we are divorcing that we deny in ourselves. Its repetitive and with examples. There is no light without dark. Ying/Yang kind of way. It says that we need to acknowledge and embrace both to grow. Does not mean that we have to share with others but I have always thought that mine came from being guilted most of the time.

 

[mamachick]

I want to add that I also really like what this book states and have been challenging myself. My beliefs have been selfish is bad, dishonest is bad, generous is good, honest is good...So I worked hard to not be selfish, but self-less is not good, and the resentment that comes from it is not healthy. Sometimes telling a white lie spares someones feelings. The aim is to get us out of the polarized feelings and beliefs and be more accepting of ourselves and less judgmental about ourselves. So I am being selfish today, or lazy, and I even like it sometimes. I know guilt is my enemy.

 

[JerriJinxed]

Sometimes telling a white lie spares someones feelings

Wow! There's your sign! LOL I failed to admit that during the second appointment, I told a white lie... I have a 24 hour rule, raised my kids to know that if the lied to me, they could "redeem" the lie for up to 24 hours after doing so. I oddly NEVER have given myself the same redeeming "out"... Anyhow, she asked me a point direct question, and I lied! I did "narc" on myself later in the day in a forum I set up for family & friends... and I followed up by reporting to my "talk guy" and he seemed genuinely ok with me waiting until my next session with her. (Long. long, long, very sad tale about going to Court for crime I did not do, and being found Guilty on both counts by a Jury of "my Peers" just 3 days prior to said meeting with her) I simply could not stand the thought of her "JUDGING" me again, as we all know that Courts and Jury's NEVER err! Simply put, I could not face another human beings judgment of me and my life. And I was in survival mode, I just needed to get through my 25 minute appointment and meeting with her, and leave with my life! I know I know I know... what good is it gonna do ya, if you LIE to the very person you have sought help from!

I lied to spare MY feelings, and I am writhing in the guilt slime until I fix it. I find it so mind blowing that Brat picked apart my secret brain waves, and described it so well! *Goosebumps* One last thing that comes to mind... is Khalil Gibran, and his "on Joy and Sorrow" one, of my go to's. Thank you...

 

[mamachick]

And sometimes it saves us from our perceived hell.....lol
I have not read that but will look for it.

Sorry, no brain waves, was just sharing some of my own introspection. JerriJinxed, I, live you would feel the need to get this off my chest, but I also can understand how it would feel like enough is enough for now. I feel like if I began my life story with a newbie-they would think I was either delusional or a pathological liar. Sometimes it is just too much.

I understand Ayesha's post all too well. Last year I saw a new neurosurgeon. First I had to explain my injuries to a nurse precisely, then I thought I would see the doc, but no, next came a physicians assistant, after this I was in tears. They both (I thought ) acted judgemental, by the time the Dr came in I was in tears. Then he told me that people with ptsd were not good candidates for neurosurgery unless absolutely necessary. He told me my spine was a mess and sent me to his pain dr in the same office. I had to talk to his assistant and schedule the injections and never explain to the actual dr.

Already had herniated discs and long history. First I fell in a supermarket in a puddle. Two years later, assaulted by a cop. Ummm
I feel like I need to bring documentation that I am not a criminal and a police report and lawyers evaluation stating that this was against the law. I get really upset when I have to give a complete physical history which includes physical abuse and being rear ended as well.

 

[RussH]

Ayesha, I can only speak from my own experience, but I think it may help you. I cannot honestly say that I feel any sense of self value; I equate it to a hammer and diamond. A hammer has value when it is being used as a hammer, but it does not have intrensic value. A diamond has value just because it is a diamond. It has intrensic value. I do not sense any intrensic value in myself, therefore I derive value from what I do, not who I am.

I think this is why I will defend myself. If the things I do, or the actions I take become questioned, or devalued, if you will, then I become less valuable, so I will defend my actions or justify myself to maintain my sense of value, even to a stranger. You stated that you "wanted to prove you were a good person" that you were " worth something" You are right it is about self-esteem.

I hope that you and I can both discover we are diamonds. I personally have decided that somewhere inside of me is that diamond, and I am going to look for it. I hope you will start looking for the diamond inside of you.

 

[blackemerald1]

This is a really interesting thread. I agree with what has been said. I struggle with the self-worth, good/bad stuff and wonder a lot if people can tell that I have PTSD. I often get asked if I am ill by strangers thus reinforcing the thought that 'normal' people can see my PTSD. I have asked my doctor about it and had lots of reassurance that no people cannot see it in me, but still I am unsure.

I walked out of two psychiatrists who were allegedly treating me for PTSD. They failed to listen, with one it was a woman who always had the lights on and the blinds open. I could not tolerate light at that time. I asked her on at least 6 occasions to shut the blinds,, simple...she knew I was having problems with light. I had trouble hearing her constantly and told her so, but she did not put a chair near her desk, she had a huge desk and 12 feet to a lounge chair for clients. In the end I told her, I was very emotional, that some people cannot mend when everything was so adversarial and I walked out with her demanding I come back in and sit right down!

Then I had a doctor who did not have a clue and did not care, so walked out on him. And I also have just remembered that I refused treatment from this T., who sounded like one of the perpetrators voice and he was a fill in this form every visit which used to make me feel bad, like I was doing some sort of exam to see if I was worthy of treatment.

I have done good and bad things in my past, it just seems people who have not had PTSD or cared for someone with PTSD just do not get how much time we spend on this issue. They seem to be able to fly by, make mistakes, tell lies, and lots of other hurtful things and not get stuck. I think I must just be really sensitive now.

 

[mamachick]

Where I live, there is only one good psychiatrist and a handful that nobody wants. The only good one is not taking new patients of course. I saw a psychiatrist for awhile with hopes of getting better results from meds. He would as a question, then grunt. He had a face of stone. He did not elicit any conversation-just 3 or 4 questions regarding sleep and such, then he would increase meds after being told of side effects and basically dismiss me. I felt like I was being sent to the principals office. The last time, I handed the prescriptions back and went to my family dr. who changed my meds and reduced unwanted symptoms.

My insurance does not allow me to shop for one. There is a group for 4 I think, one is good, the others are the short straws. They assign one and if you get the short straw, tough luck. Seeing this man was very triggering for me and I dont know why. I have some ideas, and I did feel that he was very judgemental and lacked any compassion as well. I really never thought about it until now, but I always came out feeling worse about myself, like a bad person.