I am tired of being "dumbed" down to my diagnosis

[oksowhatnow]

i am 20 and this will be my first time telling my story online like this.. a little context: i only recently started talking about this.. i started when i was in rehab from sept 2021-january 2022 and have only told my brother, our friend, and my bf about it so far. my bf is fighting w his parents right now about what they claim was me "taking my ptsd and trauma out on him". i was crying bc i found out he lied to me abt something the day of my EMT final. i was stressed, burnt out, and the emotions just came out in a flood of tears. his parents came out and were eavesdropping and then when my bf tried to explain why i was crying so hard, they ignored it and said it seemed like i was taking my trauma out on him.. i am tired of being belittled to my trauma every time i cry too hard while i'm upset, etc. i had what my bf thought was 2 seizures in my car one night and he took me to the er.. i had very delayed speech processing and when speaking but bc i mentioned i had ptsd episodes, they sent us home without doing any imaging. ik this is not the standard of care since i am pre-nursing and was an EMT student.. this has all really triggered my thoughts abt my traumas again and i feel disgusting in my own skin.

these are all copy-pasted from a message i sent to my friend group about it so excuse the text slang or emojis. the emojis help with me not having the put out what really happened in words so i don't have to see all of it when coming back to the group chat

"i was forced into lwky cp when i was 9 thru a game i played. it continued until i was 16. i was essayed for a month every single day (well mon-fri) from mid february-mid march after my bday in 6th grade. i was 11-12. i was too young to know that there were 2 diff holes so when i'd send videos, it would always be my hole bc i thought that was the only one. i would be in sm pain i couldn't sit and sometimes i'd bleed.. and i was 9. and it was old men telling me what to do. introducing me to so i could "improve my skills". the video sending continued until i went to the hospital for the first time in oct 2020. i was a sophomore in hs. i had 10,000+ guys on snapchat that i would send vids to. some w the promise of payment, some just bc i would get compliments and it was the only attention i could get.. i would receive threats, i'd been doxxed and told they would come and me in my home. i would hurt myself to appear less sexually attractive but it only made it worse. my mom never knew but she saw the snapchat messages about it on my phone when i was in the hospital. the night before my 19th bday my bf and i were doing something not so holy in my car in what we thought was an abandoned parking lot. a security guard parked behind my car while we were sitting inside talking post everything, he shined the flashlight in and said he was going to call the police. he watched my get dressed. he told my bf if he went to the other side of the parking lot and hid, security guard would tell the police that i was sleeping in my car and he thought it was 2 ppl so we wouldn't get arrested. my bf left and then security guard asked me some questions. it was fine and then suddenly he said he would let us go fully if i gave him head. he started undoing his belt and coming towards me and i screamed at him to get tf away from me. i texted my bf and cousin and i REGRETTABLY was too distraught to take a video. security guard never called the police. my bf ran back to us and was yelling at the security guard. security guard went to hit my bf or something, i got out the car and was yelling for sec guard to back tf up or i'd show him how crazy i could be. i told him i dared him to hit my bf. he got back in his car after i got in his face and he let us out. my bf and i ACTUALLY called the police but the sec guard lied and said i was misunderstanding bc of the language barrier.. my bf's mom was there to comfort me when the police came at 3am to get my statement since my mom took my phone and left me at his house telling me it was my fault this all happened.."

i am more than all of that, though.. i am tired of being brought back to that place. i'm tired of everything being "she's traumatized.. that explains all of this". why can i not have a medical episode of some sort or CRY without it being this.. no one knows me. no one knows my true story until now, and yet they still make assumptions. i feel disgusting and have spent most of the time since all this blaming myself. i finally got to a good place with it and then this stuff with my bf's parents and the hospital and some other things..

 

[Sideways]

Mod note:
I’ve removed your trigger warning. No need for them here. Pretty much every post has potential triggers.
You can read more about that in the Community Constitution

 

[S800]

I've come to realize that neurotypical people - especially those without a background like ours - will never understand it and can't ever understand it. It's my belief the only way someone can accept something this awful is to experience it first-hand. I've actually had people tell me to my face that they didn't like to believe in "stuff like that because [i am] an optimist". Infuriating.

But yea, as Sideways put it, I doubt you'll find many, if any people here who can't at least superficially understand your exact story, and rather a lot who can. Welcome. :)

 

[arfie]

hello okso. welcome to the forum.

empathy on the exhaustion of other people's failure to understand. as @S800 put it, ya can't expect other people to understand. shoot, i don't understand myself most of the time and i have all the inside info.

that's only one of many, many similar complaints i have. luckily, venting often helps me cope and this is an excellent place to vent. welcome aboard.

 

[oksowhatnow]

"shoot, I don't understand it myself most of the time and i have all the inside info" i resonate with this soooo much. but people seem to not understand that i am still figuring it out too. i've gone through so much treatment, i'm a pre-nursing student, i'm an emt graduate... i'm trying to make something of myself. it's so hard though when people use the whole "well if it's still bothering u, u need more intensive therapy" it's like no... i've done so much therapy but that doesn't mean it will ever cure me. i have always walk with these burdens i will always feel those pains at moments.. i'm better and handling it and i can live my life without having a flashback episode when i go to the store or hear my assaulter's name from 6th grade. i am better. but i will never be fixed. it's so hard telling people that and them understanding

 

[Susan Jane]

"shoot, I don't understand it myself most of the time and i have all the inside info" i resonate with this soooo much. but people seem to not understand that i am still figuring it out too. i've gone through so much treatment, i'm a pre-nursing student, i'm an emt graduate... i'm trying to make something of myself. it's so hard though when people use the whole "well if it's still bothering u, u need more intensive therapy" it's like no... i've done so much therapy but that doesn't mean it will ever cure me. i have always walk with these burdens i will always feel those pains at moments.. i'm better and handling it and i can live my life without having a flashback episode when i go to the store or hear my assaulter's name from 6th grade. i am better. but i will never be fixed. it's so hard telling people that and them understanding

I really understand, some people will try and reduce you to your honesty about your struggles. I have had people do that but in most of those cases they weren’t people I would call real friends or actually people with whom I wanted to be friends with. In fact I think my struggles made them uncomfortable, that is more a reflection of them not me. It took me years to understand that. I am okay with it now.

 

[S800]

I really understand, some people will try and reduce you to your honesty about your struggles. I have had people do that but in most of those cases they weren’t people I would call real friends or actually people with whom I wanted to be friends with. In fact I think my struggles made them uncomfortable, that is more a reflection of them not me. It took me years to understand that. I am okay with it now.

I'm slowly, painfully beginning to realize this. The only people I've ever bonded with on any level, my spouse included, are also all CPTSD survivors of one kind or another. Everyone else felt to flighty, superficial. Felt like they ignored my needs to feed their own. Still feels that way some days but it's getting easier to not feel so resentful about a basic state of being that people fundamentally can't understand without experience. This awareness came from an unexpected source.

As amygdala-charged social media services barreled into the fore, it rapidly became apparent that over-sharing information was a problem. We're not wired to process all of that signal on any level, and it shows in the emotionally charged and often deeply reactive interactions on socials. One that came to mind during this process was "raising awareness" on socials...I couldn't understand why anyone would. "Alright" I thought, "I am now aware that X brand of atrocities are being committed in Y area. What do I do with that information?" I can't help them, directly or indirectly. They're not in my life directly, nor I in theirs. If I can't affect it, and it doesn't directly affect me, what good is being aware of it, other than raising cortisol?

THAT was the moment it clicked. "...oh. This is probably how most people see 'raising awareness' about trauma responses and the rougher parts of mental health journeys." But realizing that made it easier to accept too. I'm not trying so hard these days to constantly "prove myself" to people I don't know and have no reason to know, nor they I. Gets a little easier every day.

 

[Susan Jane]

I understand again, but here’s the thing for me. Some of my friends are not affected by mental health issues in a disabling way, but they still show support… we speak about it openly. This is rather new, as I never really talked about it in depth, the root causes. However, some of them have asked questions, some didn’t. However most of them showed support during my last debilitating episode. I called them when I was scared and needed reassurance they wouldn’t leave. I only did this with people I knew I could. I think most people are afraid of mental health issues, not because of us but how it could affect them in the future. I also think many people are uncomfortable with feelings. I know in my culture we are taught to get on with things, be positive etc. This means those unable to relate share our own core beliefs. Society doesn’t see vulnerability and sensitivity and or emotions acceptable as a whole, of course there are exceptions. Therefore I try not to be angry with people who cannot handle this stuff. That said I am angry with my father, even though I know he is unable to process any emotion. I see him as a broken soul who abandon and neglected 2 beautiful daughters. He is sitting at the end of his life, and never once has he spoken to us about what happened. I wouldn’t want to be in his place, so I have found compassion for this person, I haven’t forgotten nor do I wish contact. It is all very sad, but it is what it is. I think I will be relieved when he goes, waiting for acknowledgement has been a big heartbreak for me. In fact it would be too late at this point