I Am Too Tired To Fight Anymore

[onlybygrace]

Amen Tessa...whiter than snow, that says it all!

 

[intothelight]

Hi Iam,

I am not surprised you are anxious about telling your husband, especially after helping a friend deal with a divorce. Maybe now is not the time to tell him. You are angry with yourself and maybe you should work through your own feelings first and then take it from there.

Remember there is a God that forgives and you also need to forgive yourself.

Take care Iam and remember there are people who do not judge a person by their indiscretions but can see into their hearts. It is good to be accountable for our mistakes and to reconcile those mistakes, but looking through life with PTSD glasses makes us too hard on ourselves. Be kinder to yourself.

Intothelight

 

[Iam]

Thanks to all of you for your support. I am much better today. Spent the day at the lake with my middle son's family and a good friend. Even got to teach my oldest granddaughter how to fish, help her catch her first two then see her catch two all on her own, casting, setting the hook and reeling them in! I had my middle granddaughter "help" me reel in three. What a blast. My girls are fisherman now!!!! I needed a day like today sooo badly. I know that many of you have been praying for me and really appreciate it. I also REALLY appreciate the things you have written to support me. I know I have along way to go, with rough days ahead. Hopefully I will be able to perservere. Days like today make me think that I can do it. ;o)

 

[gdf]

Once I had planted a bed of lettuce, a pot on my back deck and in the middle of it a weed sprang up. A harmless but fast growing lambs quarter. In the course of a week it was pretty large and without considering what would happen I grabbed it and pulled it out but it tore up half the lettuce with it. I didn't think about the effects of the weed's roots and how much space they took up and the only thing I could think of was getting the weed out of there without considering the consequences.

I watched the little two-inch high lettuce plants whither in the 80 degree heat before my eyes. Then I was upset because I couldn't replant it. In my need to get rid of the ugly, water sucking weed I destroyed and disrupted the entire environment. Guess what I am saying in this overly simplistic metaphor is that taking time to consider the ramifications of what you did in your marriage would not be a sin. Consider all the ramifications. Maybe deal with God on it first thoroughly, seek His forgiveness and then once it is squared with God figure out how to deal with it in your marriage. Time to consider a problem would not be so horrible and it lets cooler heads and emotions prevail. Once you figure out "why" the "what" to do about it may reveal itself. God is a God of peace and order and not of confusion--look for the order.

It (PTSD) does get better and will get better and you will heal as you journey into the darkness and back into the light. You may not be ready yet--it is hard to take that step into the unknown--but it will happen.

Gina

 

[Tessa]

Sounds like a lovely day fishing with the grandchildren. So glad you are feeling better.

Hugs
Tessa

 

[Iam]

Thanks Tessa. It was nice to just lay my head "trips" aside for the day.

Gina....I LOVE your analogy. WOW! Do you mind if I use it now and then? You are so right. I am definitely a person who when I see something that I think needs attention....I want to just jump right in and get it done. I think it is one of the reasons I am obsessing about all of this PTSD stuff. I just want to heal as much as I can and move on. I do need to wait on God, especially in the situation with my husband. Thank you so much for pointing that out. Maybe I can be a little easier on myself while I work with Him on this. My T tries to remind me that one action does not define a person. Even though this is such a HUGE action....I need to find forgiveness from God and myself before I make any decisions as to what to do with it. I have seen so many times how God works things out when I do this. THANK YOU, THANK YOU for the reminder, oh man I needed it.

 

[gdf]

Sure, Iam, I don't mind if you use the analogy. Please feel free.

I think your T is right--one action does not define a person even if it is huge. If that were true there would be no such thing as grace and no need for it after the cross. I still have work to do but right now I am celebrating my victories and resting until the next step.

I have learned that I don't need to rescue everyone and by nature people who go into the helping professions/human services careers are rescuers. I have found that being a little selfish of myself and my time when it comes to friends, work, church and family is not selfish--it is regenerative. I frequently think of Jesus and times when He had to seek clarity and regenerate and then say to myself "that is a good example" and then I think I will take the hint.