I Am Uncertain I Can Sustain A Romantic Relationship

[maryiscontrary]

I know I have posted in this forum before regarding my really confused state about this. I am starting to get clarity about what specific things are bothering me. You guys really provide valuable feedback, so I would like some more.

I am not afraid at all to talk to guys, or to touch them, or listen to them. I really enjoy being with them, in that sense.

This is where I need help. I may or may not be very subtly dissociating, and missing stuff at this next leg of the bonding game. I need your help.

It's like clockwork, the guys always want more right then, and never seems to understand my need for time and space. I try over and over to articulate that I need time, but over and over, irrespective of nationality, religion, socioeconomic background, they flip out and start acting in ways that scare me.

To be sure, I really take care to express needs in non violent communication methods, but this has limited success.

In my relationship with men, both family and romantic, I have been extremely abused. In the past, I have walked through hell for my loved ones, only for them to turn on me like pit vipers and rip my head off. So loyalty and reliability have been of limited use for most of my relationships with men.

And then there is the "flawed" issue. These are serious issues, like poor self management of their health, or of their financial states, or of their emotions. I mean, these are real deal killers.

 

[nomedic1]

You need to find somebody who starts by being a friend who understands your PTSD and then builds on that, seems to work rather than the usual hook up

 

[maryiscontrary]

Thanks for your response. I am not referring to hooks ups, thank you.

 

[nomedic1]

I didn't mean it in that way either I meant forming a long term relationship

 

[maryiscontrary]

Thanks for posting. This isn't what I was referring to.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I would agree kind of with what @nomedic1 has said - friend or not, I think what he means is that you need to let them know before hand that you may/will encounter issues at that stage and will need patience and support, not intimidation, or openly displaying disappointment or how let down they feel. I think what nomedic meant is that if you have established you PTSD and resulting triggers/issues in a friendship first it helps a lot. However even if it isn't a friendship first, has only ever and only ever will be a romantic relationship, that still needs to be established early on whether with a revelation of PTSD or whether just appealing to your partner's softer side. Also I'd like to say that the right partner, would respect your decisions no matter the information provided, but many are helped with an explanation to understand and to not take it personally.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I also think that you have to do what works for you, whether you struggle developing sexually or emotionally or in trust, work on that area slowly but communication is key. Therapy can helpful be as well for yourself to help you with these issues, for a soundboard and for more specialised and deeper understanding, as well as therapeutic ways to work through issues (such as CBT).

 

[maryiscontrary]

Thanks, much better articulated. It just seems like a lot of men are extremely screwed up. I just need to keep steadfast with my values.

 

[franciemarnie]

I always unconsciously chose guys that were - at the very least - reminiscent of the dynamics of my familial relationships as a child so for me that meant abuse at worst and neglect at best. They didn't "hear" me and ran roughshod over my needs.

It would feel right at first and we would definitely connect at some level, but ultimately there would be trouble.

I just kept picking the wrong ones. The guys that were healthy I didn't connect with. It's a long story how I found my wonderful husband but need I say I did not feel a connection when I first met him. But he was such a good man, I went with it. As I changed, so did the men (and women) I chose to be with.

That's just me. I don't know if that would make sense for you.

 

[rightkindofme]

It took me a long time to see how my going "passive" at certain points meant that the wrong kinds of people saw that as an invitation. I had to spend a lot of time reading books about body language in order to understand that I was kind of inviting aggression by playing into a set of roles unconsciously. It has been a few years since I learned how to put the breaks on sex earlier in a conversation but I get a lot less pressure now.

 

[maryiscontrary]

Well, see I am trying to determine if that is the case. I am approaching this like a scientist. I am talking to as many men, from as many different backgrounds as I can. Like a randomized survey. So I am trying to eliminate all preconceived notions.

I perceive myself having my shit together--- responsible for my health, financial life, and emotional life. It just really seems like most men really do not have these things together. Since this is so repetitive, I am concerned if this me me projecting, but it is always based on some extreme deal killing traits. Again, I can certainly be friends with most of them, and I am, but it seems most men are unhealthy disasters.

 

[maryiscontrary]

It took me a long time to see how my going "passive" at certain points meant that the wrong kinds of people saw that as an invitation. I had to spend a lot of time reading books about body language in order to understand that I was kind of inviting aggression by playing into a set of roles unconsciously. It has been a few years since I learned how to put the breaks on sex earlier in a conversation but I get a lot less pressure now.

Yes, I am really wondering about this.