I Am Useless And Want It To Stop

[Ice_Fire]

I've had enough. I don't know why this has hit me tonight, but it has. It's been creeping up on me for a couple of months, since immediately after Christmas really. I'm back at university and have not been able to settle into a routine at all. I'm behind with my studies, I have no motivation and I know that I'm ruining all my hard work up to now.

But I just can't do it anymore. I am sick of everything and want to curl up in a ball. I have no reason for it either. I'm doing a degree that a lot of people never get chance to, living in beautiful city. So why am I contemplating ending it all?

I've not been right since the week after Christmas and I don't really understand why. And I am not interested in academia, never have been. I'm not against learning, just not in this way. I have a wonderful girlfriend, a supportive Gran and a great 'mum' (not my real one but should have been).

I just don't get it. All I do know is that I've had enough and don't feel like I'll ever be a half-decent contributor to society. I just want it all to go away. I've literally been crying and panicking over Skype to my Gran all night. The fact she can see me is the only reason why I've not self harmed so far tonight.

I hate my degree, it's a load of pretentious bull-sh*t. But I knew that before I went. What else is there to do though? No jobs, I couldn't hold one down at the moment anyway I don't think. There's simply no point in my existence. I'm not even good for being someone's punch-bag come play-thing anymore.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

Don't be so hard on yourself. So from what I have read you have a lot to live for. Don't feel guilty for feeling down it's ok to feel shit sometimes. So your doing a degree you live in a beautiful city that doesn't mean you should automatically feel happy and fulfilled. Take a second to say to yourself it's ok to feel shit even if everything's going well.

The only thing that keeps me alive sometimes is thinking about what would happen to my family and my partner if I killed myself. I know this is probably the last thing you want to hear right now but how would your girlfriend feel? Would your mom blame herself? Would your gran think there was something more she could have done. They all love you and I'm sure it would break there heart.


Now for you if you don't like you degree and you've thought long and hard about it maybe it's time to explore other avenues. Maybe take some time out concentrate on feeling better. Do you see a therapist? I'm sure there are councillors at your uni. It's ok to reach out for some help. As for being a productive member of society worry about that once your on the road to recovery. Stay strong we are all here for you. Peace and love. Xxx

 

[digger]

Hey you. You are so not useless. I know how it feels to be in a place where you can't believe that though.

I hope you've managed to get some sleep and that some of this has passed now. Is your T aware of how bad things are feeling right for you at the moment?

I think all degrees have to have an element of pretentious bullshit to them. It's a law or something. I know it wasn't until I got to uni, that I realised it wasn't where I wanted to be. I had just gone because it was what was expected of me and because it was an escape route for me. I hadn't really thought about if it was what I actually wanted to do. I dropped out.

I'm not suggesting you drop out unless that's what you decide you want to do. I wonder if there would be an option for you to defer for a year and take some time out - it might be too late in the year to do that now though.

Sorry I don't really feel like I've said anything useful.. 5:30 in the morning isn't my best brain time! I just wanted to say I care though and that I don't think you're useless or pointless, not at all.:hug:

 

[tillybee]

@Ice_Fire i've stopped my degree half way through, I have a great husband and 2 amazing kids yet I find myself feeling as you do.

I'm very fortunate I know but I still have times where I just can't stand to even breathe. The hurt inside just tears you apart and you want to curl up and just weep it all out. So you do, until the next time and you do it all over again.

The fact that you are trying to better yourself and trying to contribute towards society means that you do have something to give. Even if your post on here helps someone that's something isn't it?

Your experiences and feelings are very important and you're not alone I promise you that.

I hope you feel brighter today - if you can it would be nice to know you're okay

 

[Laurie McLaughlin]

Hi there -

One thing that helps me is to remember that I don't have to believe everything I think.

When my thoughts are really intense they seem so real and I don't seem to be able to differentiate myself from my thoughts.

What works for me is to be able to lean back from my thought even for just a moment and look at it and say "hello suicidal thought" You know, you are just a thought and I don't have to believe you or follow you.

And that gives me just enough space to touch the good in me again and find my footing.

Know that you are not alone and that there are people who care about you.

Blessings on you - Laurie

 

[Ice_Fire]

Hello everyone,

Oh how I love this forum and the people who use it! I got through the night okay and felt a bit better this morning. I saw my mental health mentor at uni and she arranged an extension for my essay which was due. I now have until Monday afternoon. I need it as well, even though I hate admitting it.

Also spoke to my GP. As per usual her only suggestion was to raise the Sertraline (zoloft) dosage. I shan't be taking the extra tablet unless I hit rock bottom again because I hate relying on chemicals enough without making that dependence even stronger.

Very tired so I shall reply to everyone's comments some other time in the next few days. Thank you all, I am okay and safe.

 

[Ice_Fire]

Hi all,

Past couple of weeks have been hectic. I had a cycling accident and ended up in hospital. Turned out to be nothing serious but gave me a serious wake up call. Have decided I'm going to live my life for me from now on. I'm staying at my uni, but will attempt to change course. I'm not going to stress and put others first, I've had it.

Thanks again for everyone's support and concern.