I Blame Myself For My Abuse; Is It My Fault? *May Trigger*

[sassy-snape]

Hi, I am so confused about what happened to me! Whether or not it's my fault or not!

I was firstly sexually abused by my sister's dad at 3 years old. I do not under any circumstance blame myself for this one.

But it did have devastating affects on my life. I sexaulised very early. I started masturbating very early. I can remember when exactly, something like 10 or 11.

And I would masterbate in front of my family, trying to orgasm. Sat on the sofa with a cushion in my lap.

I hated my step dad with a veangence, I can't remember at all when they got together but I hated it when my mum got married and then got pregnant with my brother by him.

He started sexually abusing me and after a while emotionally torturing me with it.

I cannot remember when or how it started at all. I just remember liking what he was doing with a vague suspicion that it was wrong. I think he abused me between the age of 9-13 and a half.

It felt good and pleasurable so I went to him regularly and allowed it to happen. Then I noticed he started rubbing my nose in it! And that scared the hell out of me.

I went on the internet at 13 and started looking at porn sites. Then my mum found out and said she was going to tell my step dad and that terrified me!

So I ran away and told my mum what he was doing to me.

I blame myself for this because I think I started these "ENCOUNTERS" and I liked it. It scared me yes but I liked it.

I even tried to lure my sister into sexual encounters with me, which I hate myself for.

Then over the years I have looked for abuse near enough.

I lost my virginity at 14 I think and met up with guys off the internet for sex. I couldnt get enough, I was addicted to it. This happened 4 times with 3 men.

Then I met a guy at 16 in his 50's and I dunno how it happened but I ended up taking my top off for him reguarly and hiding my face when he touched me. I was so ashamed of myself but I couldn't stop.

Then I met a guy in his 60's, an ex marine and he kept putting his hands up my top and I never stopped him, I liked it even, but I didn't because I was ashamed.

I will go as far as saying I looked to animals for it as well,(not sex though) which I feel like killing myself for that. I'm so afraid I will end up abusing like my aggressors.

When I was 18 I met up with the guy in his 60's and he got me drunk and he ended up taking advantage of me. I laid down and pretended to be asleep just to see if he would, and he did, and when he did I felt disgust at myself. I didn't say he could but he did, he even dressed me again and put me in bed and left and never came back. Was that even an assualt?

I feel so ashamed of the things I have done but it has taken its toll on me!

I have no sex drive at all now, I can't bear for my breasts to be touched on some occasions and get aggressive but I feel disgust. And this is with my year long partner.

I hate sex and men, I'm nervous dominant aggressive, I hate people touching me! I am an animal lover and always have preferred animals.

I suppose that's why I did the things I did was because I trusted them more then people. But I'm not like that now.

I am a horrible excuse for a human being because I liked it and went looking for it.

 

[Deleted member 541]

When abused at that young an age, it is what you know. You are trained by your abusers to like it. They manipulate you, and pave the way for themselves to continue to abuse you. Being that young, you know no better.

As you age, your hormones kick in. You have been sexually primed for years, so it's natural to be overly sexual in your teens, and older. Masturbation is nothing to be ashamed of either.....

We are a sexual species, and we procreate and have sex for pleasure. Humans are the only species on the planet that do this.

I think that you were looking for love, acceptance, nurturing, and whatever else you could get, and the only way that you knew how to accomplish this, was through your body, and sex. Remember it was all that you knew at the time. You probably didn't have very great parents that taught you the proper way to deal with issues, and being sexually abused, this was all that you knew....

I think that you need to forgive yourself for all of the self hatred that you carry. Take responsibility for what you own, and place the blame on the abusers that abused you, and molded you into the person that you became.

As an adult, you now have to move forward, and you now know right from wrong....... so as you move through your life, and healing yourself, be kind, and do what's right....

Hang in there, and you should be proud of posting what you did, it took courage to do this....

 

[Manic11]

I completely agree with SheCat and was about to say the same thing; when you're sexually abused when you are young its all you know...

From being abused at a young age, I grew up with the mindset that I have to be in pain in one way or another. That's just life...that's just what I deserve. So that of course went on to self injury and not defending myself/letting myself get walked all over.
This is the same result...just different presentation of it.

You're not a freak, you're not a horrible person or anything along those lines. You're a fantastic person who get dealt a bad hand...like many of us here.
You deserve a fighting chance.
You deserve happiness.
You deserve to live in peace.
You deserve to be safe.

Read it over and over again if you have to... you may not believe it but hopefully one day you do. It is true. And we're all here for you to help give you that fighting chance. Why? See bolded list above. :)

Take care of yourself, Sas. And good job on posting this. Must have taken a lot of courage. I'm glad you did. Do something nice for yourself today! Read a good book, watch a favorite movie, buy yourself some candy, buy a new shirt, go for a peaceful walk with some music, etc.

Hope you're doing okay.

Manic

 

[sassy-snape]

Hi, my life is very bad at the moment with my bf. He has become very controlling and verbally abusive.

He threatened me earlyer. He wanted me to pay the bill with him. I was sat having my cupa for the morning and he was sat waiting for me to fetch the money. He told me to get the money because he was waiting to go out, i said, i will in min, just after my cuppa.

Anyway he got nasty with me and told me stop playing my girly games and if i continue being a problem with bills he will put it in my name from now on.

And then i said you do that and i will tell job centre your working on the side. And then he said, if you want a war you will get one.

"I will ring around your old village where (where my abuser lives) and tell everyone where i am" is what he replyed.

I am so desperate to leave now but i dunno how. i wanna move straight out away from him but i have no money to do so!

Help me..............

 

[Deleted member 541]

sassy,

No one here can help you leave your boyfriend. You have to make that decision on your own, and do whatever it takes to leave him, if that's what you want.

No one should be in an abusive relationship, but being in one when you have PTSD is worse.... I suggest that you find a way to get out, and do it....

 

[SunnyBrookFarm]

Sassy -

First, your abuse is NOT YOUR fault - repeat that to yourself on a daily basis (hourly if needed). This is the way you were taught from a early age - how to get attention, and how to connect to someone. Predators know this and use it to their advantage in every possible way.

Your history is very common in survivors - going from being very sexual to no interest in sex at all (I was going out with guys in their 20's when I was 14 and 15 - but now that I'm in a committed relationship - sex is very difficult for me).

Second - honey if you are in an abusive relationship - you already know you should get out. This is definately emotional abuse and could quickly turn over to physical abuse. I'm not sure where you live but you should be able to find a domestic violence crisis center in your area - please contact them today.