I Call Them My Meltdowns

[Ayasha]

Lady Vet,

I told my T a bit earlier today and she didn't seem to upset, I think she actually said that it wasn't as bad as last year and we'll keep working on it. I was rather anxious when I was talking to them this morning so I may not have heard her correctly but I know she wasn't upset with me, at least.

As for the difficulty in hearing/understanding people in crowds: It has been suggested to me that I have an auditory processing issue due to ADHD but that still has not been tested because I don't have the money to see a specialist about it.

Either way, I just want to get to a point where I can remain in a crowd without too much distress. I lip-read a bit (not very well but it DOES seem to help me to watch people's mouths when they talk) and this helps a little.

Let me know if you learn anything new too!

~Ayasha

 

[Lady Vet]

As for the difficulty in hearing/understanding people in crowds: It has been suggested to me that I have an auditory processing issue due to ADHD but that still has not been tested because I don't have the money to see a specialist about it. Either way, I just want to get to a point where I can remain in a crowd without too much distress. I lip-read a bit (not very well but it DOES seem to help me to watch people's mouths when they talk) and this helps a little.

Yes...the correct term is an auditory processing (not cognitive). So you HAVE received that information too. Maybe for you it's from ADHD, but for me I believe it's the way my PTSD brain processes the information. ROots that seem to be from the same source.

And I, too, have to lip read! I didn't even realize that until I was in grad school, and couldn't "hear" if I was sitting in the back. But it wasn't because I couldn't actually hear the professor, as the room wasn't that big, and that's when it finally dawned on me that I am partially lip reading, filling in the gaps of what my brain can't process with the visual information! lol.. oh my goodness! I'm not happy that it happes with you, too, but what a joy to know that what I experience someone else does too! AND, you also have the anxiety in loud places, too.

So, yes....if I learn anything I will definitely pass it along :) I'm so glad you mentioned this in your thread!

 

[Ayasha]

I am glad this thread has helped you (and me) realize a few things.

I am going to keep learning sign language because oddly enough I have an easier time processing everything if I'm moving more and it's using a different portion of the brain.

Speaking with my counselor today, I think we found an alternate reason for why I like signing so much but regardless of the reason it does help me when I'm in a crowd. I wonder if anyone has added anxiety if they feel they need to speak in a crowd or if that is just me? I've noticed this is a common problem for me, that if I am trying to talk to someone while I'm in a crowded environment I have a heightened level of anxiety/discomfort. Perhaps this is because I'm trying very hard to focus on what that person is saying but I am unable to tune-out the surrounding environment? Thought provoking, at the very least.

 

[timid_flower]

you did well braving crowds and noise

I agree with Shellbell. Very brave step you took Ayasha.
Crowds are definitely a stress source for me. my anxiety goes into high gear and it will take a couple days to recover, so I avoid them as much as possible.

 

[Cufflinks]

There are some really wise words here. I like the thought of exit strategies.

I have issues in crowds and prefer my quiet country life.

I remember going to a shopping mall and seeing everyone bustling about and it just looked weird.
I could not see the point of thousands of people wandering aimlessly between "clone" shops and spending money on junk which was overpriced and available anywhere.

I have had meltdowns in top restaurants where the the tables are too close together and have even walked out after ordering because I just couldn't face it.

I've also "hit the deck" more times than I can remember when being in town and hearing sudden loud bangs. Combat PTSD is a strange feeling!

 

[timid_flower]

I have had meltdowns in top restaurants where the the tables are too close together

I can completely relate. I need my space, can't stand being too close.

 

[Ayasha]

I remember going to a shopping mall and seeing everyone bustling about and it just looked weird.

On a good day, I'd actually prefer being one of those weird people. I love watching people because doing so teaches me appropriate behavior (something my past and the way I was raised didn't entirely do); that and I genuinely love being around people.

That's why my anxiety in crowds upsets me so very much--I love being around people but if I'm having a bad day then people terrify me. I think something else I have a problem with is not knowing the layout of the building or if I'm at a party I feel better knowing what is going to happen.

I have gotten rather skilled at using my MP3 player to drown out some of the noise around me; people likely think I'm hard of hearing or something but the truth is it sometimes keeps me calm. Oh, I've also noticed I sometimes get more anxiety when I'm around people I care about--I think that maybe I feel like I need to protect them (I wish I felt the need to protect myself but that is a work in-progress).

I hope we all can overcome our anxiety when it comes to being in crowds. :hug:

~Ayasha

 

[JustBe]

I also listen to music when I shop to distract me from my anxiety.

 

[Ayasha]

I seriously hate this. I decided to just post here rather than make a new thread because I am pretty much going through the same thing as last time.

I've been feeling pretty good the past week or so and now I guess everything has decided to catch back up with me. Last night, I started to feel dissociated and I've tried to keep myself grounded but now I just don't really know what I'm doing. I tried using a rubber band and snapping it on my wrist but all that ended in was a lot of red welts that are still there today. I also somehow have a lot of scrapes on my knuckles which I am not entirely sure I remember doing.

I tried getting an appointment with my counselor today but she's not available. I am at least meeting for a few minutes with someone else who might be able to help. I am so frustrated. Why is it that I start to feel that I'm getting better and then something like this happens and I realize this is never going away?

Bleh, I am feeling really cruddy right now.

 

[Dorri]

When I'm in a similar position I feel so frustrated, it’s hard to remember but it takes time, and it goes through phases. I know this probably feels like a backward step but its all part of healing.

I think sometimes when we start to improve we let our guard down and then our PTSD can take advantage but the fact that we can get to a point where we let our guard down at all is a really big step forward – it’s just shame it doesn’t feel like it!

Keep up the baby steps, go for the places that are uncomfortable rather than terrifying and keep coming back to the places you get support (like here I hope!).

It sounds to me like you’ve done really well Ayasha

 

[Lady Vet]

Ayasha...I'm so sorry that you're feeling so ungrounded. Panic attacks really suck. Well, they feel like they suck, anyway. I have come to understand that the panic attacks are actually my mind's way of trying to protect me, but it does it in a way that creates more harm than good. Just breathe. And remember that each day brings new hope for something that makes them easier to deal with.

I tried using a rubber band and snapping it on my wrist but all that ended in was a lot of red welts that are still there today.

It's funny that you mention this, because ironically the facilitator of the mood group was just talking about this last Thursday. She said this "trick" is no longer recommended because it's a form of self abuse that only reinforces the idea that it's ok to hurt ourselves. I agree. I also think that in terms of behavioral reinforcement, it's not really teaching the body or the mind how to handle the anxiety any better, either. Just some things to consider on the snapping of the rubber band. Case and point, you ended up with a lot of red welts that I'm sure don't feel warm and fuzzy, so where is the benefit. I understand the theory behind it, but it's no longer a recommended intervention because of the negative beliefsand behaviors it reinforces.

Why is it that I start to feel that I'm getting better and then something like this happens and I realize this is never going away?

I can't explain this for you, but I can share how I have come to understand this for myself. What I've learned is that when I start to enjoy or relax, that's when I'll have some of the worst panic attacks. It's the relaxing part that allows whatever's been suppressed to try to rise up to the surface, but then my brain feels overwhelmed by it and panics. I don't have to be thinking about bad stuff, but it's still locked up inside, so the relaxing lets a little bit out, and my brain panics. That's what I've learned about myself. It has helped me to understand it, but not stop it. I hope you have better luck with yours, Ayasha.

Blessings to you, and hang in there. You are not alone...you are most definitely not alone.

 

[Lady Vet]

And what I was trying to say is that the panic attacks are like a release valve. So when I relax, it allows pressure to be released, but I my mind still freaks out and panics. However, it really is part of the healing process, Ayasha, because every time some of that pressure is released it's less pressure inside. The key is to try to process what comes up. It's a hard road, but it does get easier. Not over night or right away, but it does get easier.