Relationship I cannot read my husband anymore

[America15]

Hi y'all

This is my story
Supporter - My Husband Wants To Leave Me

Ever since my husband and I exchanging messages, plain, no big emotions. If I would not say "I love you" he would not say anything or even response.
I know my husabnd cares about me and still loves me. He just paid the rent and other bills even tho he does not live here anymore for the past 6 weeks. He told me last week that he wants to have our discussion on Monday. Monday morning he sent me a message saying that I have to give him one more week, a lot of things are going on, he has a room until next Monday and he needs to finish school and stop drinking. I am very confused. If he would not want to be with me he could make his life easy, change his phone number, block me on social media. But that is all not the case. He's still responding that he loves me too. I hope and pray he will come back on Monday and we will have a positive conversation and try to work on our future. We always had this intense bond. Even in the last 6 week I was able to tell when he will send me a message and if that is his personality or not (e.g. when he said that he does not want to be with me I knew this is not my husband talking to me. That's the demon in his head who does not see any other option).
I know only he knows the answers. But I'm scared that he will take off again after Monday. I need advise how to guide through this conversation with him.
I know for sure I have to let him talk, be understandable, do not judge him. But what else?
Thank you so much for your help.

 

[Lady Moonlight]

America,

I'm not the best at advice. But if this is a conversation, you both should be able to talk. And I think honesty is the key. Being honest and letting him know that you are scared may help. You have a right to have feelings too. I'm really sorry that you're going through this. And I sincerely hope that he does stop drinking because that is a step in the right direction.

I wish you the best. Please let us know how it goes.

 

[America15]

Well I was prepared for our conversation last night. Yesterday morning I receive a message from him that he will send me an email later and I have to let him know when I get off work. I was shocked. No meeting? Again? After 7 weeks it is very hurtful. I texted him back that I don't want his email and I want to see him face to face. He read the message but no response or an email.
I know he is afraid of something but I don't know of what. How long will this going on? I get more and more confused. Why "asking" me when I'm at home to send me an email? Why not just sending it? He paid rent and all other bills for this month. I know he cares about me and that is why I won't give up. It would be different if he would tell me "I'll send you the divorce papers, get out of the apartment at the end of the month and stop texting me I love you". But he even response with I love you too. I don't know when I'll see him or figure out what his plan/thoughts are. I'm just sick and tired of his messages I want that he faces me. It's not like I was not interested in his email but what does he have to tell me with this email what he did not tell me in the last 7 weeks or what he can not tell me in my face?
Ugh it's so frustrating.
Any advice or ideas?

 

[Lady Moonlight]

America15,
It sounds like he doesn't want to have a conversation but instead just wants to get his feelings out. An email is one-sided. Perhaps he is afraid to talk to you face to face. He probably is aware that you are hurt and doesn't want to have to see it.

I wonder if that is a common response for PTSD. I'm going through a bit of that right now.

I am really sorry to hear how much you are hurting. Perhaps you need to let him send the email if that is the only way he feels he can communicate with you right now. It would also give you the opportunity to understand what is on his mind and then compose your own email back (giving you time to process your emotions). Honestly, with all my fears, I communicate much better through text and email. It's not so scary and gives me the ability to change what I want to say before I say something mean or hurtful (especially when I'm angry or hurting myself). I hope this helps.

 

[The Albatross]

As much as it hurts to hear, at one point a lifetime friend told me that about my own husband: "Perhaps he is afraid to talk to you face to face. He probably is aware that you are hurt and doesn't want to have to see it."

Back then I "shot the messenger" but in the longer term, guess what? She was right.

 

[America15]

Very good answers thank you. You are probably right. I'm just afraid that he is hiding behind messages. I know he is afraid. I'm thinking of texting him end of the week How I feel and what's going on (I mean it in a very understandable sense). I'm going to tell him that nothing has changed in the last 7 weeks. I feel the same about him and I care the same. I'm not judging him or treading him differently. But he needs help and we have to talk. We can start slowly again and I'm going to support him. He does not have to do this for me but at least with me. I need to form good sentences and show him that I really care and nothing will change.
My fear is probably that he's telling me via email he does not want to be with me. It's a rollercoaster right now and it's difficult on both of us. But thanks you so much for your advice. I think differently about it now

 

[anmun8]

America15,
It sounds like he doesn't want to have a conversation but instead just wants to get h...

I really agree with you. I've been through this also and they do this to not even see how much we're hurting but instead prefer it this way, and at the same time they can say all they want since it's how their feeling in that moment. I'm not a DR but I do agree that it may be a common PTSD response, as Lady Moonlight says. Definitely. Because I've been through it.

What do I do when he is like this? I let him be. Give him his space and sometimes just give it to him as he wants. Sometimes, let me be clear, like if he says starts looking for another place to live (as harsh as it sounds) say, okay I will. What I have learn from time to time, the in and out of the house (isolating himself)? Put everything on your name and pay it yourself (If you can pay it, if it's not a necessity, get rid of it) that way there will be no ties or anything. This only gives you more stressing in your life apart with dealing with the relationship and what is going to happen with everything else. What I mean is, if he's not going to pay the rent or the other bills, you will keep getting worried sick and pressuring him to hurry up and pay it sometimes won't work, at that moment they don't care because they are at war in there mind or just completely numb. They have been a year or more with no electricity or bills to worry at war, they won't care now (I'm not referring to all veterans, some can be different). At the same time you do all this, you grow or keep growing as an independent strong woman you are. You cannot always count on them. Remember, that have this situation going on. YOU have to take care of YOURSELF when he can't. That way, if he ever comes back, it's just him, his clothes and his decision if he really want the relationship to work. And your decision if you want it to be the way it is.

I read your past post and I remember exactly when it was a routine like that. And oh does it still hurt still. sometimes 3 days, a week and the most? 2 months. And just like that. Everything would be awesome, just perfect and in days I don't know NOTHING of him or a horrible text saying how its over and no love at all exists! HOW can that be? And than the honeymoon stage again. Until I said enough. I love you dearly, but I'm losing myself. I was always happy before you and even more now when you are here on earth and okay! Where has my smile gone? And told him I cant keep it going. Either he gets better help or I'm out. So now its the meds and I take care of that and make sure. The financial part? 50/50. If he starts the arguing different or has an anger burst? I let him fight on his own or tell him, you realize what you are doing right? and if its to much to bare with, I leave, take an hour and tell him. I will be back I just need a moment right now. He has to stop the drinking! Get back to school or work if he can and keep looking. And therapy, don't pressure it on him but talk to him about it. Whenever he is ready. But that's how it would be for me. First it's over, and than its a I love you! Very confusing.

I hope you don't take this the wrong way at all! It's how it has been with me and still has sometimes. Which may not be with you just like this. He's been out recently as you said 2014? Still so much to deal with. All I do know is that I feel stronger everytime. I know its not him, but it really hurts me. It hurts us all supporters. The thing is, when we talk he does admit to me that its not him when he's so confusing like that but does not know how to stop it everytime. He does not know how to deal with his feelings, guilt and everything that is going in that moment. And sadly, we become their punching bag. Sometimes he realizes what is going on and catches it and tells me in that moment or in a while to not take it personally and that he's sorry for what he said. All I can say is set boundaries. As I was once told here in this website. Take care of yourself when he's off like that. And give him his space when he leaves but tell him how you feel when you talk again. And that something has to be done. I wish you the best of luck and I feel your pain. It will get better. But he has to want it. If not you decide.

 

[America15]

I just came back from the therapist. I told her that I feel bad that I rejected his email. She told me that if he really wanted to tell me something he would have sent it anyway regardless if I want the email or not.
She gave me great advice (one of a few therapists I have a good feeling with). He reached out to me today, to ask me if I can pay the internet bill (even tho he knows I don't use internet at home). I guess I have to take it day by day and go fro there. As difficult some days are, others are so much easier. It's all up to him. I can just do my best.

 

[Lady Moonlight]

Day by day is how I keep going. If I try to take on tomorrow today, it's too much and I fall apart quicker. You are doing really well. And I'm glad that your therapist was able to give you some great advice. We all need that, regardless of being a supporter or a survivor.