I Can't Find Meaning

[joeylittle]

I'm not doing well. This time of year doesn't make it any easier, either. For people who are alone, the holidays are doubly hard. They are hard because we don't have a clan, and hard because anyone we might be able to call on for help - well, they are busy.

I can't find a reason to live. I don't need a big one, a small simple one would be fine. Something to believe in. I have no hope left, except for this tiny, tiny shred of it that wants to experience something good one more time before I die. I've been living on that tiny piece for months now.

I know this is depression, and it's not unfamiliar. But in the past I've been able to see that I didn't want death so much as relief. Now, I don't believe in relief, really - the possibility is so far away and far-fetched. I believe I'm being realistic, too. Relief isn't plausible, for people in my situation. Not impossible, but also, not actually likely. My chances were much better a few years ago.

I'd need to be willing to take some big risks medically, and I can't see them making sense for me.

I don't see a way out of this mental and physical cul-de-sac. I don't know if I'm only being willful about not wanting to try a more invasive depression therapy. Maybe I am.

I can't get guilt working either. Bad times before, I could still want to spare my students the shock of having one of their teachers kill themselves. Or, I wanted to be able to take care of my pets. Or, not wanting to give someone else a traumatic experience in having to find me. I can sometimes still push these buttons in myself, but they only last long enough for me to get to a coping skill. And more often than not, I don't know how to care about all those others anymore.

I'm sure many many members here have lived their way through these kinds of sufferings. I'd really appreciate some help, or challenging questions, or anything, really.

Thanks for reading.

 

[Ghostybear73]

Sounds that little something that keeps you going is your students, hold on to that. That's what keeps me going. Hang in there and if you need anything, pm me anytime.

Ghosty

 

[sun seeker]

I can't find a reason to live. I don't need a big one, a small simple one would be fine.

I really appreciate having you around. That's VERY small and simple, and perhaps not something to believe in, but it's true.

 

[shimmerz]

I am not certain how many times I have seen your posts, expertly guiding the people on this board in just your situation as you describe it. Not sure if I could count on all toes and fingers how many people you have grounded as they had given up all hope. And I can't imagine how many more people you will help in the future. I would say there is some pretty deep meaning there.

Unfortunately, depression is a really tricky thing, as you know. It is difficult, if not impossible, to take in the good we have done and will continue to do. It is like an impermeable shield that bounces off every positive reminder but sucks in all of these twisted out and warped ideas of how 'bad' we are. Would it be a help to you at all to read the posts that you have logged here JL where YOU have been the rock for others?

Much love
Much light
Much respect
Shimmerz

 

[Deleted member 28740]

@joeylittle we are in similar boats. The storms and tides and exhaustion. Your words help me keep rowing. Shift my thoughts. Why is it so hard for us to have hope? I want to row a boat gently down the stream. Not the Styx. In a beautiful hand built canoe and paddle. So I plan on building that canoe to navigate my path with the help of you and others. Joey when you sail at night you look to the pole star. I try to fix on that when lost.

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Dear @joeylittle,

I don't have anything magical to wave that would remove this burden of pain from you - I wish, with all my heart and being that I did. Your pain echoes in me, as similar thoughts, feelings and despair swirl around, in and through me.

I tell my T's when I feel this level of despair, and their belief in me rescues me.
They're good at asking me what is the underlying cause of the despair - not general (I've had major depression and struggled with suicidal crap for a long time). Looking at a specific cause of stress, overwhelm, anxiety and hearing a mentally-healthy, compassionate person give an antidote of how to think about the problem from another, healthy, angle - that can ease and take away the intense despair.

I was in crisis last week, and I don't know if this will help you, but an assignment a T gave me is helping. I'm to stop looking ahead at a future that seems dark, scary, painful and hopeless. I'm to just focus short-term. Today.
I love my animals - focus on them, on self-nurturing, on caring for myself like I do for the animals, no matter what I feel about me. I am an animal, too, and deserve compassion, care, feeding, water, etc... Everything I'm worried about can wait. Now, this Present Moment, is when I have the power to do healing good for me, so eventually I can be healthy enough, strong enough, to help others, again.

You're not alone, (((((((JoeyLittle))))))). You are loved. You are important. You are good and wonderful.
You are light shining in the darkness, and darkness flees before you. Darkness and shadows have no power over you. They can only try to scare and frighten you, but they have no substance. You are stronger, infinitely stronger, than the darkness.

Feel your goodness, your compassion and wisdom. Defy the darkness, and hold your light high. Let your inner love, goodness and compassion set your torch blazing with renewed fire and chase the dark bastard away from you. It has no power over you, we can surrender to a powerless, toothless enemy, or we can stick close to those who want to support us, rest, recharge, regroup and strengthen, to live and heal, and help, to survive and finally conquer and Live - fully alive.

Live, beloved JoeyLittle, please Live!
With all my love, Deer

 

[Friday]

Editing. Too many words.

 

[ms spock]

We need you.

We need your insights and astute observations.

The depression is lying to you, do not trust what it says.

 

[jaccat]

Everything above. If that seems too much, remember we're here for you, just as you have been here for so many of us.

Also, I like Deer's idea of shutting out everything but what's here and now. Focus on what's just in front of you. Make nothing else matter.

 

[The Albatross]

I don't doubt that this is difficult Joeylittle. You do not see what you mean to people as expressed above here, and no doubt to those students. Depression is like that.

I think I would unpack "This time of year doesn't make it any easier, either. For people who are alone, the holidays are doubly hard. They are hard because we don't have a clan, and hard because anyone we might be able to call on for help - well, they are busy.

"I can't find a reason to live. I don't need a big one, a small simple one would be fine. Something to believe in." with trusted peers and also in therapy.

I do understand what you mean and have had a number of years like that myself. But, under guidance... I was able to redefine and find meaning in my own way about the holidays... and took up the work of a support system of peers who can withstand holiday busyness?

 

[The Albatross]

Doubled back to add, I think I'd unpack this bit too... examine it a whole lot more, you said: "... in the past I've been able to see that I didn't want death so much as relief. Now, I don't believe in relief, really - the possibility is so far away and far-fetched. I believe I'm being realistic, too. Relief isn't plausible, for people in my situation. Not impossible, but also, not actually likely. My chances were much better a few years ago."

There are some real life examples here of people who are beating the crap out of their prognosis. Had I not had direct personal "real life" experiences of some of these, I would have accepted my own prognosis which was the lowest group for treatment. They didn't expect much for me either... yet my life got better. I prefer realistic goals and strategies... but I could not buy into "Relief isn't plausible for people in my situation... not actually likely". I'd seen several times in direct care people best the professionals... and I determined I would choose and continue to choose to do so. I still don't know what my limits are... I've been chipping away at them for 15 years.

My life does have meaning now... because I could see my way clear to redefine it... but I had to get clear of the depressive aspect first.

You are not seeing or experiencing any progress right now... so many of us get/understand that and have been through it and lived to tell the tale. You got it in you Joey to best this thing. I believe it. I believe in YOU.

You fought so hard for survival gal. You survived. You can survive this too.

 

[scout86]

I can't find a reason to live. I don't need a big one, a small simple one would be fine.

What kinds of things strike you as being good reasons? I'd ask you to live for all the reasons already given. Because you DO make a difference here and I can't imagine you not making a difference for your students too. But, maybe it's selfish of us to ask someone to live just because we want them too.

Relief isn't plausible, for people in my situation. Not impossible, but also, not actually likely. My chances were much better a few years ago.

I/we probably don't know your whole situation. What's changed? What would "relief" be? What has it been before? You sound tired, and discouraged (and depressed) all of those things are temporary, aren't they?

I don't see a way out of this mental and physical cul-de-sac. I don't know if I'm only being willful about not wanting to try a more invasive depression therapy. Maybe I am.

This would be hard! It might fall under the heading of "none of our business", but maybe, if you could/would share a bit more about what forms the cul-de-sac, someone would have some insight that might help.

I can give you a small (and selfish on my part) reason to live. If you kill yourself, it will scare the hell out of me, and probably others as well. Most of the time, you are so insightful, in spite of struggling. You have an ability to both see things clearly AND express your thoughts. You're on my short list of "people who'd be good help in a crisis". You give me reason to think "maybe there really IS a way through this." And, if you gave up, it would really be a reality check here. But, like I said, that seems a bit selfish and maybe we really shouldn't ask someone else to live, just because we want them to. If you're going to give up, though, please thrash the thought process out with someone to make darn sure you're doing it for a good, accurate, up to date, reason. OK?

And, if that sounds totally out of line, please just ignore it!