I Can't Find Meaning

[Chava]

And yes - the connection was a very real thing. It's actually the same as riding was. Both those sports require you to just be fully present. There's so much input happening so quickly, physically, and there's a great deal of fine and gross motor coordination, and there's physical risk as well - which made it impossible for me to think about anything else at all - I could just be present.

I relate to this feeling from music...so much happening, and it rides precisely on the moment. I was always okay in all those moments!

I realize as I'm typing this that what horses and trapeze have in common is that your feet are not on the ground.

Interesting and good to notice. Did you have lots of flying dreams as a kid? (I did). I'm sure the feeling is very specific. I really relate to how this body stuff is so organizing, yet really hard to duplicate or re-experience if we lose one route.

This is beautiful. I've been so inspired with how you've grown in the time I've known you on the board. I know you are still struggling, very much, but for what it's worth, you are also going through your transformation, just as you describe it. It's a fact, that everything we love will be lost. Everything dies. And I have always believed that life is somehow about experiencing that love and that loss. But when there is lots of loss and to little love, it's harder, I guess.

Thanks. And yes to all that. The loss is too much sometimes and hard to recover. I know NOTHING will replace symphony. For you probably nothing will replace trapeze. There is not a similar experience. I think the challenge is to find similar experiences and also new things to love, but it takes energy we don't even have at times, so sometimes it's just about surviving. I'm going to send you a note quick...if I can figure out how to do a message on here...

 

[mary poppins]

I'm not doing well. This time of year doesn't make it any easier, either. For people who are alone,...

Don't watch all the happy happy shows on TV unless you are up for it. Watch something funny like "Elf". What are 2 things that bring you a smile? Maybe animals, kids, Funniest videos. Give self compassion to you. Validate your feelings. Join or go to a group. I have just sat in a big church in the back. You are worth every ounce of life. Stay strong.

 

[mary poppins]

I am not certain how many times I have seen your posts, expertly guiding the people on this board in ju...

So very true about how there are positive things about yourself but you just can't see them. The negative stays the strongest. Definitely helps me to get these thoughts out of my head. Don't beat yourself up and say "Get better, come on now". Be compassionate and soothe yourself - it will get better, this is a hard time.

 

[crazyhorse69]

Hello,

If you don't have family, consider us here your family, I've struggled for years myself with this whole meaning of life, and like you something to believe in. Everything in life seems to be in a constant state of change, and what once was important or of value to us with time, seems to change. Maybe its the human need to draw some sort of conclusions about life or assumptions as to what is and isn't important or relative. For my own experience concerning this I had to change my attitude and perspective, that seemed to help me, but it's easy for me to fall back into the old ruts of stinking thinking, pure negative outlook on life, doubting myself. From the day you were born until today, what are some things you've talked about doing for a real long time, but until now you've never done them? For example, stand on the pyramids? Travel to Australia, scuba dive in Thailand? Ride across America on a motorcycle, sail around the world on a sail boat, set in the park and feed pigeons, make love to a Eskimo, travel the great wall of China, stay in Tibet.

Thanks for your post though, because this has been a question in my head for years, "what does it all mean"? Is it all about making money? traveling, making a family, having kids, whatever we do in life its temporary in nature no matter what, so if it's important now, maybe next year you've already forgot about it, and it's no longer relevant.

It sounds like your at the jumping off point which I've been there, and what I realized about myself is that I thought I didn't want to live anymore, but in honesty I didn't want to live life the way I was living it, I wanted to lead and live life in an entirely different way and path, as my sponsor once said, wherever you go, there you are, there is only one person in life which I have to learn to get along with thats myself. I'd suggest setting down with a close friend if you have someone or know of someone, sometimes just talking to someone brings us out of that dark whole of isolation we like to hide in and reveals to us whats truly going on in our own lives.

I know over the past few months, I've lost motivation, and zeal and passion for living, just going through the motions over and over and over again, working like a dog or slave, feeding the greed of others, I have been unhappy and miserable for quite a time now and also want to find some sort of happiness in life,


Until next time

 

[Ed Norton]

Your keen insight was forged from the hearth of struggle and pain. I can see that. I'm not the best with words but you have a gift! I'm not sure if what I say conveys what I mean...a little intangible

 

[Friday]

I want to be on a trapeze again.

Dead Link Removed

Part of what's killing me about not having my own place is not having ^^THIS^^ set up in my living room. When I'm injured? It's about the worlds most perfect rehab tool. When I'm healthy? It rebuilds my strength. In private. Where no one can see Fantasia's Hippo. Until, Hep! I can fly, again. ((I linked that site, because they craft their own. Meaning if you want custom bar length? You got it.))

As far as horses go... Andalusians, Belgians, Fresians... 18-19 hands of Bred & Built to carry -and dance with- 400/500lbs on their backs. 200-250lb men. In full armor. With full kit. IDK how much you weigh, but I'm doubting its 500lbs! Even if you never lost another ounce? ((But walking 5mi a day pulls about 20kilos a year, and that's not counting trapeze -even if it's static trapeze to begin with- & riding)). You can ride, again. You'd just need a warhorse, lady, to go into battle with :sneaky:

... It may seem silly... But one of the few things I rescued from the flood were my -never worn- Ariat paddock boots. I can't afford to ride right now. Not for years. But I keep the boots, because, dammit. Someday. Ditto, sigh, no matter how many practical reasons should keep me looking for a place, it's being able to set up my rigging, that's one of the few things that forces me onto craigslist and calling numbers.

 

[The Albatross]

Come back to this? "He suggests doing a skype session where I can exercise and let myself get upset and then we can work through what's happening to me (I do EFT, and I don't think it works how he thinks it works, but it doesn't matter, because it works). I don't want to do that because...I think because it seems too vulnerable, or exposed, or something.

I hate that I just sound like I won't do things. I'm really not that person."

What do you think "that person" is. If you are impeded by habit or behavior from actualizing your life... your T offered you a suggestion to help you actualize your wants/needs/desires. Just guessing, do you have an "I can do it all by myself" attitude? It it's workin' great, if not I'd revisit the offer?

 

[Teasel]

Am really sorry that you are so depressed and in so much pain. Completely understandable though isnt it. You've been through an extroadinary amount of trauma and far more than your fair share of setbacks. Particularly that you haven't been able to do your things - trapeze and horses. Reckon us traumatised types need them kind of things as much as air or food...my thing is dancing...If you reduce us to a simple in out equation, everyone on the planet needs some stuff coming in, as well as all the shit going out. How long is it since you were able to do something that feeds your soul? Makes you feel vital and alive? No wonder you feel so bad, I think you're an extroadinarily strong person. Everything you have been through and virtually nothing good recently to make up for it. I defy anyone to cope well.

Apparently it's well known that moving house is one of the most stressful things a person can go through, the lucky beggers don't know they're born do they??

Have to agree with mspock and Ed norton. You have always seemed to me amongst the strongest and wisest on this forum and Ed said it better than I could - I realise now how much that's cost you.

The person who said don't focus on the future'is right too aren't they, I expect that thinking about the future in a depressed mindset is enough to paralyse the most committed optimist.

What you're saying about maybe hanging around horses, even if you can't ride just now sounds good, I'm a total physical coward - very scared of falling over, bikes, roller skates, climbing - anything like that terrifies me, I've never been able to ride a horse but even being in the company or horses is pretty damned cool..

Understand too what you say about not wanting to be the person who won't do anything - know what you mean - that's defo a symptom of depression rather than character flaw hey. Kind of like if you just approached your life the way a perfectly happy well adjusted non depressed or traumatised person might, then you'd have all of your problems licked in a few short determined months...

Realistically most weeks on a good week I have a few odd moments of being present, non dissociative, with access to any kind of intelligence...

Also I have fairly crippling social anxiety which means I'm often so scared i cant think straight. Sometimes I say things which really hurt people and don't know it. So if anything I've said here is wrong I apologise.

 

[Tinyflame]

@Berlinda , you & @joeylittle are both always so kind. :hug: